Unreasonable behaviour.

[F1951]

My husband who's had a brainstem stroke.treats me terrible he's unable to walk.so he's outside in his electric wheelchair. One of our kitchen cabinets needs a new back.he found some cardboard covered in tar paint and slugs.he wanted me to use it in the kitchen.because l said it wasn't suitable. He went berserk shouting and swearing at me. I'm shaking like a leaf, don't know how much more l can take hes so unreasonable. And l'm the one who does everything for him.any advice anybody? I'm at the end of my tether.

[Kirk5w7]

Unfortunately its going to be a difficult time for you.

In my household i am the one with the brain injury , i used to do all the painting and decorating and sorting out when jobs needed doing. I think you are going to have get someone in to do your diy jobs, I know I cant tackle anything in that area, so in our hose nothing has been done for 6 years because I’m not able to do or organise help. Plus i no longer earn so cant just willy nilly pay for things they have to be agreed with my husband now.

Difficult isnt it these new lives we have to adapt to.

Were you not offered help in the home to see to your husbands needs, did you ask?

Im sure its not too late, and if he doesnt like it, tough, you have a life too. Much better you get help and work through this than possibly face a separation.

Contact Headway on Monday morning and see what advice they have.

Janet x

[StrawberryCream in reply to Kirk5w7]

Some ditto with you Janet! I am the only adult in the house and used to work and do all the DIY etc in the house. Now very little gets organised and done because of decision, motivation and also cost issues etc. Do pay a cleaner and a gardener to do what I always previously happily managed. I loved my garden and taking care of it. But like you say with the financial restrictions of no longer working not all the help can be afforded e.g to decorate etc. Just before I was seriously ill in 2011 I had had an extension to my kitchen and loft - now 7 yrs later and still not all decorated, carpeted and finished off. Also have a 12 yr old to singly parent.

[Kirk5w7 in reply to StrawberryCream]

Hi Caroline, difficult to say the least, I can only imagine the things you have to deal with, all respect to you.

I used to have my nephew and his wife come once a month and they would do my garden and help clean the kitchen and bathrooms, you know the real “bottoming”” I’m afraid I only tickle round when I’m cleaning, I don’t always see what needs doing, the changes to my eyesight are difficult to explain, I see ok but not everything unless I really scrutinise. But my nephew died earlier this year, tragically, leaving a tremendous hole in everyone’s lives.

Anyway, when my husband retires later this year if he is to be believed!, we are planning remodelling of the house and I’ve told him that as part of that the painters and decorators are coming in to do the rest!!

Take care

Janetx

[Hidden]

Get in touch with Headway and your doctor to see if you can organise some counselling for him. He is probably extremely frustrated that he cannot do the things he used to and he may have thought (as his mind isn't 100%) that the board he gave you was OK to use and was upset that you thought otherwise.

[RogerCMerriman]

Ooh my, it’s probable that he’s in denial has he had rehab? Or Nero Psychologist?

Should point out that, it’s unreasonable behaviour while he may be in denial/lack insight that doesn’t excuse it.

[TaIaV]

Hello 1951

It sounds terrible. Being the object of any anger is upsetting. Getting that kind of aggression over and over, from someone who you are sacrificing for must be corrosive to your peace, your goodwill and your health. Getting all sorts of professional help as suggested by others above is definitely the right thing. You need help to understand what part of the behavior issue is medical and what is emotional and then get help in actively dealing with each one --especially with outside help.

A suggestion for dealing with the irrationalities that are medically driven: Deflect. There is no gain in making him aware of each wrong suggestion or misconception. Where possible, verbally go along with what he says, just don't take action on it.

I can suggest a couple of tactics for handling the part of the issue that is emotional -- the part that is him being mean as a way to let off steam about his own sense of incapacity and suffering:

1. Use behavioral psychology "training" with your husband. Whenever he starts yelling, don't respond, just leave the room: Come back with no recriminations when he has calmed down. He may get more angry for a time but eventually he will realize that when he starts mistreating you and being impervious to reason, he will end up alone with that rage.

2. At some moment when he is not upset, speak to him about the impact on you. Tell him that there are times when the frustrations of his recovery are making him behave in ways that are frightening, hurtful and unhealthy for you. Tell him that those times push you apart when, in fact, you need to be united to get through the challenges ahead. This should not be a long discussion, you do not want it to turn into him explaining why he was right to say this or that; the whole point is for him to hear that when he gets angry it has a serious accumulating effect on you.

3. Mindfulness training. Use it specifically to enable you to detach from the emotional impact of his tirades. If you are like me, reliving those ugly scenes can also keep you from sleeping well. Mindfulness teaches you how to set those things aside for recovery and growth.

Please protect yourself. The unhappiness you feel is one thing, but the stress will turn into health impacts for you if this continues.

All the best,

Taia

[F1951 in reply to TaIaV]

Thankyou. What you said really helped.much appreciated.

[Alice5 in reply to TaIaV]

Hi

Your response actually helped me.

My son had a Subarrachnoid Brain Haemorrhage 7 years ago.

As a result he can be very impatient, quick tempered, shouts and takes things the wrong way.

Sometimes my grandchildren and I walk on eggshells and it can be upsetting for all of us. At the time there is no way to calm him down.

Later he always realises how he's behaved and apologises.

I read your post about talking to someone when they are calm which I did yesterday with my son. We had quite a conversation about how we both felt in a calm way and I think we both felt better for clearing the air.

I do understand the effects of a BI and it is reiterated time and time again on here but even so it's hard at times for all of us. For my son when he feels so sorry and guilty after the events and for his children and I who bear the brunt of it on a regular basis.

This is why this site is so good for everyone on here whether the person with a BI or their family, we all benefit from advice from others. Friends don't always have the same level of understanding and often think it can be an excuse so the people I share with are limited.

Thanks everyone xx

[TaIaV in reply to Alice5]

I am so glad, Alice.

I learned through training at my job many years ago that a key to conflict management is to have discussions that do not focus on the person but on their behaviors and the effect of their behaviors on you. ( e.g., "when you yell instead of explaining what you need, it makes me feel disrespected", not "you are always yelling") That is good advice, but you cannot have that discussion effectively in the heat of the moment, can you?

It is wonderful that your son has so many moments of clarity and remorse about his outbursts. You are clearly a very loving person; I am sure that your continual expressions of that love have a strong calming and enlightening effect on him.

I wish you both the very best.

Taia

[Kirk5w7]

Hi again, I’ve just replied to a post and realised something.

Is your husbands eyesight ok, has he had it checked by an optometrist. I ask because my eyesight has changed dramatically.

I passed all the wiggling fingers tests that the doctors do, I even passed a routine eye test because I have always worn glasses but I knew there was something wrong.

I have a degree of visual neglect, that’s when you see something but your brain instantly forgets it’s there, so can lead in my case to sweeping a glass or mug or bowl, anything off a countertop in the kitchen, or not finding something in the fridge or cupboards, or not seeing dirty marks on surfaces. It has led to many a heated argument in my house. Cries of”it wasn’t there 2 mins ago” being the norm til we understood, I have to look “hard” sometimes to see things.

So, that with some loss of peripheral vision on the right, makes for interesting times. Non of this was found by the medical team or even suggested it may be a problem although my husband was warned I could be blind after the encephalitis, the pressure reduced blood flow to my optic nerves, this can also happen with hypoxic/anoxic brain injuries.

Just a suggestion it may be another reason for anger on your husbands part.

Janet x

[F1951]

Thankyou for your reply.Hes had his peripheral vision tested and its fine.But his sense of reasoning has all gone.maybe l should bear that in mind. But it doesn't make life any easier.

[steve55]

hello yep that was me. my wife had a melt down a t work one day, i wasnt aware of my behaviour, we ended up at the drs and she just sobbed when she explained what it was like living with me.

he referred me to a psychiatrist and i take meds for my behaviour, its calmed me although my moods are unpredictable when we re out.

i hope ive provided you with an answer, although your husband and i possibly share other characteristics that you may not have seen yet.

[F1951 in reply to steve55]

Ah thanks for your reply.you think your on your own. It's very difficult doing everything for somebody. My husband can't walk hes totally paralised down the right side.hes constantly verbally abusive. Maybe l should ring the doctor and get him assessed. Thanks again.

[steve55]

did the neurologist tell you what part of his brain is damaged?

heres the best piece of advice i can give you...........find out where youre local monthly headway group is and go, he ll meet people he can talk to who understand what hes going through because theyve been there and for you, well, youll meet the darlings who put up with us when we re being a total pain x

this is the hardest bit for him, coming to grips with his new life, looking in the mirror every day seeing the person you were, but youre not that person anymore, youre on a different journey, an exciting journing, because youse you dont know what that journey holds!!!

[F1951]

Ah what a kind responce, ll'l try and find out if there's one near me.thankyou again for listening to me.

[Yb007]

From a fellow stroke survivor, have to confess that being unreasonable isnt unusual. I think its about finding a way to acknowledge his desire to be relevant. It might mean accepting to try crazy ideas while steering the conversation towards more se"snsible proposals! maybe by asking probing questions like"how might we do that ?, "what should we do with all the dirt on the board?

[Kavib]

You need to get him some help , someone professional to talk to. I had therapy sessions as my mood swings were terrible after my SAH . Now I’m in much better control x