My husband left me today after I bought the cat food my husband doesn't like.
He's 6 weeks post surgery for a chronic bilateral sub arachnoid haemorrhage ( which they are now saying was a silent bleed after a motorbike accident 10 years ago) and an acute left sided haemorrhage and a further bleed above the right ear
We've only been together 4 years. He's always had some strange ideas and ways but I out them down to just him. We all have our peculiarities after all. These have very slowly been getting worse over the last 18 months.
Since the surgery they have become unbearable.
He's waiting to see a psychiatrist, which can't happen soon enough.
He says I'm lying to doctors and the HAT'S nurse! Arguing black is white. Saying I'm playing mind games and i need anger management.
Today's out burst happened in the supermarket. Embarrassing to say the least.
Anyway while I was trying to calm him down and pay for the shopping he said he was leaving me.
I am too tired to beg him to stay. To put up eith his mood swings any longer. I don't want my marriage to end. I love him to pieces.
He is in denial and has no insight at all. He won't read anything on the Headway site.
Does anyone have any ideas as to how I can make things better ?
YOU can't make things better, only he can do that. Go and talk to your doctor and see what can be done for him, and contact your local Mental Health Team (find them through the hospital) -- they will probably have some ideas to help. I went down this route when my husband went off and they were (and still are) very helpful.
Oh bless you!! How sad for you, and your husband. It sounds to me as though, insight or not, he is still suffering the after effects of his brain injury(s). This going to be a slow process and perhaps realises that he is not himself. I know you are his wife, are you his identified carer?
Who is his consultant and what neuro follow up does he have? Is there carer support available.
You could talk to PALS at the hospital and get information on Carer Support? Does he have a Social Worker as you could talk with them.
The sad thing about seeing a psychiatrist is that your husband is as he is due to the acquired brain injury. Ideally he needs a specialist neuro-psychiatrist and there can be a long waiting list.
This is still early days though and I think he needs time to adjust, heal and see how he goes. This does not sound like it is about your relationship, more about what has been happening in his brain.
Talk to Headway too as they support family. I wish you and your husband all the best. Keep posting here too 💐
Physically he's fine so he doesn't have any other support or input other than the HAT'S nurse and psychiatry when it starts and me !! We have been in touch with the local headway group and been to a coffee morning.
Being new to this I don't really know where to go for help and support. I have started counselling myself.
It is a hard place for you to be, that,s for sure. Counselling for you is good because it is a change and adjustment for you, not to mention the loss in part of the man you married. Look in your area for Cares' Support as they can be useful in helping you to find your way around practical and emotional stuff. I hope the HATS nurse is helpful.
Good luck Mariejo. Let us know if you want more help or to vent xxxx
Its not what you want to hear, that its early days, unfortunately it can take a longer ng time for the right support to dlot into place, if you are lucky.
So you are going to have to be the one that makes things happen. Seek out all the support you can from whatever source and take care of yourself. The counselling should help.
If it has to be then distance between yourself and your husband, may bring him to his senses.
I am so sorry, BI however it occurs is a dreadful condition to deal with for sufferers and their families alike.
The thing to remember here Mariejo is that this is not your fault, don’t ever think that it is. Your husband is not the man you married and may never be again.
Don’t take any criticisms if they do come your way, people are only to eager to judge, this is your life and you have to live it.
So, you make the decisions here, just arm yourself with all the facts and walk tall.
Marie, at the 6 week point after a SAH I was still hospitalised, so wouldn't be surprised if your husband were still disorientated from the bleed and the damage caused by it.
I couldn't imagine visiting a supermarket so soon after the event whilst the brain is still in the process of trying to heal and struggling to make sense of its trauma. It's possible he's still confused and exhausted, which so often turns to frustration and anger.
I had many angry outbursts when first discharged, especially in busy, noisy, bright environments. I raged at my pharmacist who I'd known and trusted for over a decade after a mix up with a prescription ; an utterly disproportionate, insulting reaction to the situation........just one example of many 'melt-downs' in the early days.
Your Headway nurse should be able to explain the issues and help with the best way forward. But it looks like a case of neither you nor your man being properly briefed on the lengthy, often 'roller coaster' journey of coming through brain injury & its after effects.
I'm so sorry for loved ones who suddenly find themselves in the role of carers, quite unprepared and (so my family tell me) pretty overwhelmed by the strangeness of events.
I don't know whether or how your situation will be resolved since your husband announced his departure, but he needs to be persuaded to rest, keep hydrated and avoid overdoing things for another month AT LEAST.
It can take many months of recouperation (or more) before we can even consider future planning. It's usually a limbo period, but most of us here have come through it with varying degrees of wound-licking !
I really hope you'll both find your ways through these initial challenges to reach a reconciliation. Cat x
That's half the problem he won't rest and says he's fine and back to normal. He over did it yesterday and he's got a cold which I know had caused today's melt down. But I'm banging my head against a brick wall trying to talk to him or he says I'm controlling him . Then in the next breathe he's asking me what he should do, eat, wear !!!
Neither of us has been spoken to with regards what to expect. I've learnt it all from Headway fact sheets and support groups like this one.
As Alan won't read anything he knows nothing !!
I Will ring his HATS nurse tomorrow and get in touch with the local headway group x
It sounds like he can't take anything in, neither can he see how things are for him. Hence he thinks your are controlling rather trying to be his wife, finding a way to get a dialogue with him with care and concern. Cat makes sense.
I don't where you are based but if you want some help in looking for added input etc let me know. X
Along with the good advice here I wonder if you would benefit from speaking with the community neuro rehab team? I didn't know they existed until I needed them in 2014 /15.
This isn't your fault but must be so hard to deal with. I know I was a nightmare for many months after my illness.... Including shouting at my eldest son on a train all the way to London and sitting in the middle of London on the path shouting and screaming at him......not "normal".... But normal for b I.
He's seen the rehab team. They are who referred him to a psychiatrist. Going to speak to his HATS nurse later.
And maybe the headway help line. No one tells you all this do they ? What helps available or what to expect from either side survivor or carer. You are just left to sink or swim x
Maybe you can speak to the rehab team again too? Psychiatric help may be useful, but this is a crisis and you need some advice now.
Take care
Hi Marie Jo
I'm with Cat when I read that you were in a supermarket at just 6 weeks post bi I gasped.
Although I know everyone's recoveries are different I was about 8 months down the road before I ventured into a supermarket although I had been to other shops.
There seems to be a great desire /craving to return to normal after a bi. You have to adapt and create a new normal.
I really feel for you it must be difficult and I can only suggest you seek help on his behalf. Fingers crossed he will thank you for it in the end.
Just had another thought. Could you maybe put up a timetable for the next couple of days on the wall. With suggestions of what to do if there are gaps? The only way I could function back then was to be organised and clear (with myself mind you as I live alone).
As suggested, a clear routine, good food, lots of sleep and the right medication should help over time. Maybe you could factor in some hours away from the situation for yourself?
I completely relate to your story, please read my story if you can. We (yes we 🙂) are now 2.5 years post TBI and although still alot of hell to deal with i feel we are slowly getting our life on track.
There is nothing you can do but get support for yourself and stay strong, if your marriage will work then only time will tell.
Stay on this forum and vent/get advice and most importantly make friends with people going through what your going through, its hard enough being with a man without a BI but throw in a BI and you've defo got your hands full, i can feel you love Alan, people dont seem to realise that this stranger that your now married too looks exactly like your previous husband but its a different man.... Really hard to get your head around!!!
You can walk on egg shells and get to know this new man or you can save yourself the heartache, its going to be really tough but if your determined then im sure you will get the man you love back.
Sending sympathetic hugs, i feel your frustration, anger and sadness
I have been giving your situation some more thought.
You had witnessed a slow insidious change over 18 months, accepted some of his quirkiness and continued to stay with him because you are his wife. Then fast forward to the last few weeks and he has not only changed again from the man you know, but he has rejected you both for the relationship and because he cannot see what has and is happening. You may be going through a grieving process due to his condition and thus how much your husband has changed, and left you. Plus angry he has left you with all of this to deal with yourself. None of this is anyone's fault.
I think that decisions about your marriage could be put on the back burner for a while as this, I think, is the least important thing at the minute.
I would like to make you a cup of tea (read Gin and Tonic) and give you a big hug 🤗 because this must be a horrible time and place to be in for you......for you!
As long as your husband is safe I.e he has a roof over his head, food etc just take each day as it comes, and don,t be pressured into anything. Watch and wait, look after you and I hope you have family and friends who are able to hear you.
In my opinion it is better to get a divorce at the beginning. I am disabled. 22 years my husband has been by my side everyday but has now decided to get a divorce so I have to start a new life with cares. In my opinion he should of gone in the beginning. Ok I realise my tbi affects my moods but he knew this at the beginning. He’s has a decent life not having to go to work as we live off my tbi settlement.
hello theres nothing you can do about his behaviours, because he doesnt know hes behaving that way.
heres a few of my behaviours, aggression, mood swings, noise intollerance, inappropriate behaviour inside and out problems with taste.
i left the old steve behind when i had my abi 6 years ago, im on a new journey, the scariest part of that journey was coming to terms with the fact your arent the same person.
welcome and keep dropping in you never know he might look over your shoulder,
Hi, it’s good you are communicating about these issues. Hopefully some ideas in reply’s that are helpful for you both. I’m still amazed at how much fatigue effect many and how important rest is.
I’m unaware of the rehab team in the community? What do they do? And what trades are they? (OT, Dr, physio?)
My GP admitted he dose not know much about brain injury and if we needed anything ask him, but how can we ask for help if we are unaware of what is available.
The headway information is a great help for the NHS.
Alan was referred to them by his HATS nurse after discussion with his consultant. I had spoken to her about his behaviour when she rung to see how he was doing. We saw a rehab consultant who examined Alan and asked lots of questions. He then said he was referring him to neuropsychology and asked if we felt he needed occupational or physiotherapy. Which neither of us thought he needed.
So they can refer you to the relevant professional.
Every area should have one. Your local headway group should have all the phone numbers. I got the number from our branch so I could ring and see what was going on with the referral.
Obviously you will need to be referred by a doctor so I'd go back to your GP or speak to your Consultant if you are still being seen by them.
I do think that it's awful that we aren't informed that these services are out there. Like you say if you don't know what's available how can you access it. It's also bad that your GP is unaware of what's available.
I think it's also bad that no one tells you what can be involved in recovering from or caring for someone with a head injury.
We where just told to look at the Headway web site. Which is good and has tons of information. But having someone sit down with you and give you an idea of what to expect would be nice.
I am finding that this seems to be a problem not just in the UK but in other countries too.
Head injuries do need to be spoken about and people educated and more aware of them. So that they are out there as widely as cancer research is.
Yeah butchers isn't good enough he likes Felix best. He says he's coming back today so I might just pop to the shop and get one with lobster and caviar in. Then stroke his chin afterwards xx
I watched a programme on BBC4 The Brain A Secret History - Emotions 2 - can you watch and maybe you can understand 'Emotions' ?? (Don't watch see the monkeys )
Brain injuries are horrible...... and are doctors helping doctors
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