I've been watching this site for awhile and decided it's time to post. My fiancé suffered an asthma attack and basically died on the bathroom floor. Ha which actually appears to be a common place to die... Who would guess? I did CPR for 8 very long minutes and the aftermath has been devastating. He has a severe ABI. 6 months out and I would guess his recovery is going quite well in some respects. Long term memory in tact, short term not so much. Rigidity plus heaps of other things. Had his first of at least two foot surgeries this past week. Hopefully when we get those done he will be able to walk properly.
I took guardianship of him and once he came home from rehab hospital, he's my responsibility. This is where the guilt comes in. I love him to much to even describe... My actions have shown it over and over. He is my world, and I will love him they this. I feel guilty for doing CPR and had I known how he would have suffered I wouldn't probably have done it.
I'm wondering if there is anyone else out there that is just mad. I'm mad our lives have turned out this way... He would never wanted to live this way... And yet he doesn't get the full grasp of how bad it is I believe. At times he's the 48 year old I have love for 5 years and at other times he's two years old and loves me the way a two year old would. I know it's early in his recovery, I know it's a long road ahead of us. I'm up for that. I'm just so angry.
I'm angry his family has left everything up to me. His kids don't visit, I'm mad their mom hasn't helped them adjust and shown them how important it is to love him, even in this state. He's still their dad, and very much wants to see them. I'm mad at the medical world and all of their idk's. I know, I know each brain is different and there are no definitive answers. I'm mad I'm trying to take care of everything with work and taking care of the kids, and am completely exhausted. Where did all his friends and family go?
And ultimately I beat myself up because of how I feel. I'm blessed because he finally does understand there is a God, and he knows the extent to how much I love him.
Guilt eats me up inside.