Apparently, I am a layabout

[Matt2584]

Alright folks,

Well today is the first day back for me from spending a week away on a cruise ship that made it’s way to Norway.

It’s such a beautiful country, so picturesque and the Norwegian government is so much better than the UK government. UK gov is absolutely pathetic compared to theirs.

The cruise liner is also very very nice as well and has a brilliant and very helpful crew. People on board can be so very friendly at times as well and then we get back to Southampton today and I kindly move out of the way for someone to pass by and they say nothing... back to UK ignorance... I hate it.

To put it in short, I don’t like my life. It is so so different to many other people’s... even fellow brain injured peoples’ lives. I lead a life where I live with my parents still and for obvious reasons they worry about me... I could have easily died multiple times after what I have been through so it is understandable for the worry.

My mum is much more laid back than my dad is and I try to be as independent as I can be. My mum will let me be independent at times but my dad is very very different, he is like his parents and his mum was a natural born worrier. She would worry over the most pointless of things and worrying is a form of stress that WILL lead to an early grave. Because of this worry he can pee me right off. He overdoes it with the worry. I don’t get on too well with my dad and aside from the worry he is a very very negative person.

Anyhow, we were on board the ship, it was dinner time and my mum and dad were talking to some old guy while I was eating my dinner. I wasn’t being rude, I was listening to this guy as he was talking for Britain haha. My poor parents had to put up with his constant yakking. I felt for them... well my mum mainly as her dinner ended up going cold in the end.

This guy asked my folks at one point “What does your son do then?”. If I never had a gob full of food I would have told him about myself but before I even could do that my dad jumped in and said “He doesn’t do anything” which I wasn’t very happy about. He made me sound like I was some sort of pet.

I did tell my mum that I wasn’t happy about what my dad had said and she kind of sounded a bit stroppy and said something like “Oh don’t worry about that, yer dad only said that to shut this guy up”. Well yeah, he may have just said that but for me it wasn’t exactly a wise choice of words.

See if I had the chance, I would have told this guy that I have a disability, I don’t work and I get help from the government. That was all my dad had to say really but he always moronically puts his foot in it and this time around made me sound like a cat.

[cat3]

Matt, have you tried telling your dad what you've told us ?

[Matt2584 in reply to cat3]

That is the most simplest answer, try telling my dad but it is one of the most hardest things to do.

Maybe I should have spoke about it in the post but as I was saying to Roger, my dad is stiff. He is an alpha male-type, he is set in his ways. If you go tell him something different it is new to him and he won’t accept it. He is basically brainwashed by the old ways. And if you try to reason with him and explain the situation, why he is annoying and so on, he will most likely fly off the handle, get annoyed at me and most probably go into a sulk and won’t really speak to me.

[cat3 in reply to Matt2584]

So not someone who'd appreciate a hug then ! .................

It's all about upbringing I suppose. I can remember having to tip-toe around my dad because he was depressive & volatile, so I get how there's sometimes no option but to keep a wide berth. It's a shame though isn't it 'cause it means both of you are missing out on what should be a special relationship.

But my mum was lovely, and always my 'Go to' person (& vice-versa), and your mum sounds the same Matt ! x

[Matt2584 in reply to cat3]

You’re right there about my mum being a ‘go-to’ person. I am a pure mummy’s boy and wouldn’t know what to do with myself when she is no longer here :-|.

Speaking of hugs, there is an Italian lady who lives in England now that goes to my Headway. Anyway, this person is a very loving person (as you may have guessed) and she has been known to give out quite a few hugs. In the early years of Headway, I used to travel around with my folks so they know a few people from my Headway including this Italian lady. I remember she hugged me, my mum and my dad one time. He did accept the hug but I could tell he wasn’t completely comfortable.

It is a shame indeed. I was talking to a friend of mine about my negative dad and she said it was a shame and that her mum is very similar. You can love your mum or dad but from afar.

[cat3 in reply to Matt2584]

Yes, the Italians are naturally demonstrative. The first time I visited Italy I was really surprised at the shouts of 'Good Morning' ( Buongiorno) from strangers to us and each other as they hurried along the streets to work, with men raising their hats time & time again............of course it's common knowledge what fiery tempers they often have too !

Funny thing is, my best friend married an Italian guy but she's the one who shouts and cusses in fluent Italian whilst he just raises his eyes to the heavens.

We all know you're not a layabout Matt .............and certainly not a cat !! xxx

[Mufc]

It’s hard work being independent isn’t ? I tend to say now when people ask my husband a question like what food does she want? I can talk for myself. Ask me not him. Very often people thing if your disabled you are not caple of making a decision.

Can I be cheeky , how old are you? I am 55 been like this for 22 years some things have improved some have got worst. We have to continue to be as positive as possible. Good luck😀😀

[Matt2584 in reply to Mufc]

Hi Mufc,

I know exactly what you mean about people thinking you are not capable of making a decision or answer.

On Sundays, I used to visit my nan with my dad and sometimes my aunty would be there too. Sometimes my nan would ask a question about me and expect my dad to answer it or sometimes she might directly ask me the question and before I could even answer my dad would pounce in and answer it leaving me rolling my eyes, sighing and looking away and then I would be thinking, is there an actual point of me being here?

That is what I love about being independent with myself now and I thank my Headway for getting me out using the buses on my own. My weeks were quite spaced out and there was about 2 or 3 days where I would go out for a couple of hours and the rest of the week I would not do too much with myself. Tuesdays was a day where I wouldn’t do a lot butsince last year I started getting the bus, going down to the high street and I would do a little shopping and have a coffee or 2. As simple as that may sound it was enough for me and very enjoyable. I got to know people in the shops and I also see a couple of people from my Headway down town as well.

I then learnt about another charity which I now do on a Tuesday and a Thursday. So I still do a little shopping and coffee drinking but Ialso go to another charity :).

Hmm, I don’t know about being cheeky, perhaps you should have asked how young I am ;).

I will answer as age is pretty much a number for me, I am 34 (although I have been told I look like I am in my late teens/early 20sj and I too have been BIed for 22 years. 1996 was when I had my first operation on a brain tumour. It was my first year of high school and I was 11, nearly 12.

I had complications which lead to further operations and I was diagnosed with a second tumour in 1998.

I have a shunt as well and had complications with that too in the past.

I really do think that our diets play a massive role when it comes to our health because when I was little I used to have an atrocious junk food diet and rarely had any fruit or veg. Then along came 2 brain tumours at different times of my life and I ended up having 11 ops on my head.

Ihave changed my diet now for the better and I do eat a lot more fruit and veg and include spices and seeds and so on and feel so much better for it.

I used to get the odd headache or 2 which I would try to get rid of with a paracetamol but now because of my cleaner diet I rarely get headaches.

See I believe everything we humans need is from the earth and not entirely from man.

[RogerCMerriman]

It’s quite possible it’s almost a form of denial for your dad? I work with folks who have Learning Disability’s, if it is due to something that happened when they where young, the parents generally are stuck talking about the old pre Tom, not the Tom who is here and now.

I agree it must be very frustrating, though!

[Matt2584 in reply to RogerCMerriman]

Denial could play a role with him. I think it is also a case of that he just does not completely understand my injury. I don’t think my mum completely understands either but she is much much more understanding. My dad however is stiff haha. The doctors would tell him at the time of my first op what to expect with me but even they didn’t know everything about brain injury and so when my dad hears new information from me or from Headway, about the brain it doesn’t sink in with him.

[RogerCMerriman in reply to Matt2584]

The two (denial and lack of understanding) are quite often linked, in that, folks will essentially just not listen to what they don’t want to hear. I’d be amazed if that wasn’t some of it with your dad plus how he deals with things I guess?

[1949liz]

Hi Matt,

You don’t have to be disabled for parents to hurt you. Once, while my new husband and I took my whole family out for a meal (I have six siblings and partners ) also our mother . I was paying the whole bill. So while we were all enjoying our meal my mother looked at us and said how happy she was that we all had our own careers .( Our father had just died) She then named each in order of age and started to say Pat is a quality cake demonstrator, Tommy is qualified in flight maintenance and so on and so, She missed me so I said to her,what about me Mum “she said well you have Alec” .( I was a nurse but due to my illness had to leave on medical grounds. I was also in the Royal Navy. You can imagine how hurt and embarrassed I felt. So try NOT to let your father’s comment do anymore damage then it has, your an inspiration to us all on headway, funny and share wonderful stories. Even though we do not go out to work in the contents of work, we ALL contribute to life. With Love Liz xx

[Matt2584 in reply to 1949liz]

And thank you for your lovely words Liz :), and I agree. Love is what makes the world go around NOT money.

[Matt2584]

That wasn’t very nice of your mum to speak of how proud she is with the family and mention their jobs but miss you out. I can understand how you would feel embarrassed by that.

I didn’t let what my dad said get to me or anything, once he said that little comment I looked at him and said “That wasn’t very nice”.

My dad is prone to saying idiotic things haha. He is just like his own dad. I remember one year when me, my mum and dad went to my nan and grandad’s house. My nan was out and the phone went. My dad answered and it was one of my nan’s good friends. She had some bad news, it was one of my nan’s sisters had passed away. My mum, dad and grandad were all talking about it afterwards and how they will tell my nan. It was agreed that they would let her down gently.

Anyway, my nan got home, she came into the front room where we were sat waiting and my grandad blurted out before anyone could say anything “Sheila’s dead!” (Sheila was my nan’s sister).

My nan said “Oh no”and walked off into the next room sobbing. My mum went and consoled her but for my grandad to blurt that out was idiotic.

My dad did the exact same thing to my brother when he told the news that my nan had died. He walked into the front room where dad was sat and he blurted out “Ya nan’s dead!”... obviously you could tell my brother’s reaction and me and my mum consoled him.

I know what my dad said about me doing nothing was not quite the same thing as blurting out that a family member had passed but still, it was a pretty idiotic thing to say.

My grandad and my dad find it hard to show there emotions. I have never heard or seen my dad cry but when his mum passed he phoned my mum and told her and I think he was upset then cos I could tell from my mums reaction.

[paxo05]

Hi Matt.

Years ago after many attempts I finally made it on a a night out at a local pub.

I was sat at the back minding my own business when a good hearted ( I thought) man engaged me in conversation.

I realised it was going to go wrong when he got on about all the workshy people about sponging off the government.

I just nodded and tried to keep quiet.

Then came the question......." what line of work are you in " he asked.

Well I know now I should have explained I previously worked 12 hours a day 6 days a week in a busy kitchen.

But no I turned to him before leaving saying " oh I just sponge off the government "

Safe to say it was many months before I went out again.

I was mad with myself for not standing up to him. I had my bi nearly 19 years ago and it is only recently I have not felt like the sponge that man must have thought I was.

Unfortunately esa and pips reassessments do not help.

Pax