Hi there, my brother has been a TBI patient for over a month now, and is doing very well! The only problem is his so called ‘father’. He only sees his ‘father’, at the most, three timed a year. My brother lives with myself and my mum. My mum being his next of kin.
My mum and my brother’s ‘father’ do not have a good relationship as he is a very toxic person. Even my brother doesn't like him half the time! When my brother first came into hospital we thought the situation was a lot worse and called his father. Now it is thankfully a lot better. If we had known my brother would be this good now we would never have called his father as we (my mum and I) have NO interaction with him whatsoever.
Tonight, we had an argument and we would actually like to ban the father from visiting as he is not benefiting my brother in any way, and is probably doing more harm. He also brought in total strangers and was very rude to the nurses.
One of the nurses said we could ban strangers, also hinting that they wanted us to ban the father too. But we didn't at that time.
After the argument we would like to ban him, the nurses now saying that we can’t. He is not next of kin. He has nothing to contribute in my brother’s life. And, both my mother and I can’t go through this accident along with this man being horrible.
Does anyone have any advice?
Any would be appreciated, thank you.
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SparkyKaminari
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is your brother able to tell the nurses he doesnt want him visiting? he has a right to.
Ask Headway for advice. They have solicitors who can answer these sort of queries. One thing you could try to to ask the doctors if they will suggest to this man that his visits are not helping, or you could tell 'father' that if he keeps visiting you will get an injunction to ban him. The problem as far as I can see is that it is your brother (if he is able) who has to say he doesn't want to see him. If he is not mentally well enough to do this, see if you can get temporary power of attorney over his medical needs
I'm going be honest with you caus i'm kinda like that....
Firstly wonderful to hear your brother is in recovery......blessings
I hope you can read my reply without allowing the anger you appear to have raging through you but for what it is an observation
My response to your post when I read it was how much I'm hearing of what YOU and YOUR MUM want and not a lot of what your BROTHER wants and needs....
Clearly your full of anger and hate ?, so i'm guessing most of that has come from your Mum....who again i'm guessing has probably drip fed HER PAIN over a number of years to you and your bro, HER anger from what she's been through with her ex, and maybe more than one ex? but i wonder if you have ever heard anyone else's side?, have you wanted to? no, you won't have caus you have decided going from what i'm picking up of your own anger somewhere under all this hate there's so much more to this story and past events than you were able to tell us, which i understand, but I'm assuming seeing as you never included YOUR own Father in you post and any of his feelings that he too is not in your life?,... so there could be some serious anger for you regarding YOUR own anger towards your Father?
You said your brothers Father only visits three times a year....well maybe that's because he doesn't like dealing with you and your Mothers toxicity towards him when he does visit.....maybe he bought his friends to the ward caus he feels under attack ....which he clearly is!....he came to see him?....he cares, if he had not come he'd be a monster right??
You and your Mother have a second chance with your brother caus he lived....so why can't his father?
Why don't you stop using your BROTHERS Dad as an emotional punch bag for the pain you feel about your own issues and the past.....there's so much anger in you i can see it from what you wrote....your Mum should stop bad mouthing her ex to her children and be a grown up and deal with her own anger and pain in more mature way...
Having his Dad is going to help him and you and your Mum need to stop looking at him with anger but open your eyes ......life's too short for all this hate ?.....your brother could have died!....get a reality check my friend....he didn't die.....your got lucky ...and so did his Father, maybe he want's his second chance? and maybe he is what you say a complete arsehole! a toxic waste of space??..i don't know and neither do you?... you don't really it's all coming from mum!.... who made your Mother judge and jury of whose emotional pain she is the worse ?? maybe your brother WANTS him in his life?....to try and BAN his father from the ward and stop his own father who YOUR MOTHER decided to call when you both thought your brother was gonna die from seeing him is outrageous! So his father is only important when your Mother decides he is?!!.....he was important enough for your Mother to call and he CAME !! maybe given the chance he can be a positive role model for your bro and even you might actually like him if you speak to him??...but it's never gonna happen while he has to face you and your mothers wrath every time he try's to reach out....
Yes i do not know the full story of what you all have been through with him... but what i do know is that there is some seriously messed up strong and powerful self absorbed feelings going on here....I know you love both YOUR mum, dad and brother and I am not sure how old you are so don't want you to think i'm blaming you for any of this... Your Mother is an adult she needs support but from adults! But please step back and take a long look at your own anger and what this level of hatred is feeding on and what you're getting from it....caus this kinda hate will only grow ...it will just gain power and the only toxic person in the room will be you my friend ....your Mother sadly already is.. ,... this isn't your fight???? it's your Mother's pain and sadly she's made it yours ...she's lending on you as the adult and she should know better....
I suggest if it's possible, have a chat with your own father and resolve any anger that your feeling about him not loving enough etc...if he is already in your life and you have a positive relationship, then that's great ,maybe have a chat with your Mum who clearly is not such a positive relationship in your life and tell her she could do with some help with her sadness and bitterness , yes still support her with hugs and love that's wonderful thing and she needs that ... she loves you both i'm certain , but grown ups don't put their hurts on their children to the point the children are eaten up by the same pain....it's not fair on you and your brother...she needs a professional listening ear and not continuing to off load her crap onto her kids....who are too young to carry the load ....peace to you and hope your bro makes full recovery.
You can all find a path way back to happiness TOGETHER if you change your thinking and look at it from a different view :)`peace x
Apparently I had this problem with my sister when I was in a coma with a brain haemorrhage (I don't get on with my sister haven't seen her for years) she turned up at the hospital and I screamed the place down ( I have my memory of this or my stay in hospital) but she was told not to come to the hospital by the ward sister and if she did turn up security would remove her it also went to safe guarding hope this helps
I totally understand your anger. My husband left 10 years ago. My son was three and my daughter was born three weeks later. He has never seen the children, I don’t even think he knows our daughter is a girl or her name. He has never even sent a Christmas card. If one of my children were to have an accident or become ill and he appeared on the scene I would be devastated and so angry. So I completely understand how both you Mum and you feel and I don’t care if anybody thinks I’m wrong I’m th way I feel. I think my children would seriously struggle if he turned up. He was no where to be seen when I had my accident when the children really needed somebody. Luckily they had their grandparents, my parents and their aunt and uncle, my sister and brother in law. I really hope your brother continues to improve and I wish your mother and you peace and happiness for the future.
Take care of you, your mum and your brother. They are lucky to have you.
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