Relationships

[wayne1982]

I have been married to my with almost 11 years it's had it's ups and downs things are still good I think but my head injury and the hemiplega shows there is something different about me I often over think things and don't talk today we went to the park with our kids my wife was quite happy talking to another man and every where he went she followed I felt left out maybe on the sidelines not in the conversation

[Hidden]

It is very hard to be married to someone who doesn't talk much - I know I am married to one. Maybe your wife just enjoyed an adult conversation. Do try to chat with her as much as you can, it will benefit you both.

[cat3]

Maybe work on your assertiveness Wayne ? Your issues may have eroded your confidence over the years but standing aside whilst your wife does the talking will only isolate you further and become an unbreakable pattern.

Do you find it difficult making spontaneous conversation ? I know you once mentioned that your wife showed little interest in what you have to say so I wonder whether you feel undermined........

[TaIaV]

Hi Wayne,

I read in one of your other posts that you got some antidepressants that made big difference in how you feel. That is great. Perhaps there are opportunities for making a corresponding step change in how your wife feels. A few things to consider:

1. Your wife may see you felling better but may still be feeling the stress and some hurt feelings from how things were when you were under the cloud of depression. When someone in the house is depressed they sometimes lash out at others or simply make the house atmosphere tense for others. The other family members may retreat to protect their own emotional well-being. It is not easy for them to just break down those barriers afterward. You may consider acknowledging this: Telling your wife that you appreciate what she went through, are sorry for any hurt you unintentionally caused, and hope that she can gradually put aside the stress of that difficult past period.

2. Sometimes we hope that things will change but they don't unless we do something to kick-start that change of direction and to build some momentum. In this case, you could go one step further than #1 and do some things to make it explicitly clear that you want the future to be very different from the recent past. A campaign, if you will. You can be creative. For example:

- Give her a lovingly packaged coupon book with one coupon for each week, good for one favor from you.

- Make a plan for yourself to do one unanticipated nice thing for her at least every two weeks.

- Set up a periodic date night.

- Frequently tell her what she means to you and your family.

3. Communication

- If you have always been on the quiet side, don't worry about that. She fell in love with that quiet guy. You can focus on the impacts of the depression instead as described above.

- The best "conversationalists" often say very little; they are, however, fabulous listeners and they ask people questions.

- If speaking is not very natural for you, then write things. Write her a note every so often. For example, thank you notes to acknowledge things she does now or did for you in the past; Notes with something that you read that you think she would find funny or sweet or interesting. A physical note (on whatever paper or card you have around) feels 100 times more meaningful than an email or text, but if that is too much, an email or text will do. Just make sure that it is clear that it is part of your campaign to make things different and better between you.

- When a difference of opinion arises, remember that:

-- You can say anything to anyone if you say it with love. No matter what the discussion, make sure that your respect and care for your wife is at the forefront of your thinking and you will communicate your concerns in ways that will not escalate the issue or trigger a backlash.

-- Talk about the behavior and impact, not the person. For example, "When you ask me to do things at the last minute it makes me feel anxious and disorganized" not "You always leave things to the last minute and then I am supposed to jump!"

Maybe there is something in the above that will work for you. You are headed in the right direction. Take your great progress and observations and put them to work for you instead of feeling concerned.

All the best

Taia