Feeling upset...

[Alice5]

I haven't been on here for a while but feeling upset tonight and needing to share. My son had a SAH 6 years ago, he was seriously ill but miraculously made a good recovery.

However as everyone knows a BI has a lasting effect and my son is very quick tempered and gets annoyed easily, he then struggles to 'let things go' and repeats himself over and over again and this can go on for hours.

I struggle with conflict and negativity and it is continuous. I can cope if it was just me but it's not fair on his teenage children, one understands but the other is hard work himself and they are constantly arguing. I feel stuck in the middle and try to keep the peace but it's not working and makes things worse.

We are all walking on egg shells. I try to keep quiet but feel for the kids. Equally I feel for my son and understand a lot of it is to do with the BI but it is still hard to take. He is always sorry afterwards but unable to think rationally at the time.

He feels he can't do anything right and one of my grandchildren feels he (the grandchild) can't do anything right either.

I want to help all of them but my comments cause extra conflict. I see a lot of them but don't want this continuously and feel like saying 'don't come round if there's just going to be arguments' but I want to be there for them all.

My son is separated from his partner and sees his children a lot but he does get exhausted and suffers from overload.

People don't understand because he looks and sounds the same but he is different.

Thanks for listening, I just needed to share with others who understand and can relate in some way. ..

[Hidden]

Why not speak to Headway and find out if they can arrange some family counselling for them. The children can then learn more about how to cope with dad's problems and dad can, hopefully, learn how to moderate his behaviour a bit to make it easier for the whole family. It's certainly worth a try, it would be a shame if they all lost contact with each other. Teenagers are hard work at the best of times.

[Alice5 in reply to Hidden]

Thankyou, I will look in to that tomorrow. We could all do with some help x

[jodr]

Good morning Alice ☺

I'm sorry to read your post in totally understand the struggles you explain. My husband had a bi 12 months ago and anger outbursts are daily in our house. When my hubby has an explosion the first thing I do is try to diffuse I put my hand up so hubby knows that what he has just said isn't acceptable I then explain to our 2 young children that it's not their fault and it's not daddys fault either it's his bi. (I say this so that children and husband hear)

Children of any age are exhausting especially if you have a brain injury.

I think it's really important that all parties know they are not to blame.

I always explain in a calm voice why hubby's behaviour is not appropriate sometimes this isn't received well but usually when he's calmed down he can see more clearly however for my husband it's importantfor him to leave the room until he is calmer otherwise the situation becomes unmanageable.

I am not a confrontational person and any kind of conflict and negativity doesn't sit well with me at all and from what you've written it sounds as if you are the same. Try and remain as calm as possible using the same level tone of voice. We know it's not their fault it is the brain injury. Being the one to keep the peace is a hefty job but it is importantfor everyone involved to know that no one is to blame so we can continue to support one another and love one another as much as we always have.

Take care xx

[Alice5 in reply to jodr]

Hi

Thankyou so much for your response. I don't feel like I'm reacting well at the moment and that's not helping. Things aren't calm, they get heated and it's no good for any of us.

Although I understand I feel like I'm becoming judgemental and I'm not happy with that.

We've tried strategies which are fine when things are calm but don't work during outbursts.

I'm so pleased you are managing to keep things on an even keel in a calm way.

I'm going to contact Headway tomorrow for advice

Thanks again

Alice x

[sca2013 in reply to jodr]

God bless you and if God isn't part of the picture then just bless you. You have an amazing way about you and the way you're handling things. Sorry you're having to deal with this stuff.

[paxo05]

Hi Alice.

Sorry to hear this but walking on eggshells helps no one. It is another part of bi he and everyone needs to accept. He also needs to accept that few will understand how he is.

Seek help from Headway gps anyone. Accepting his limits is hard ...getting others to do so can be impossible. He needs to start with himself. Accepting what he can and can not do at present. Things may alter ...They probably will. For now living within his limits is key. This I know isn't easy but it helps in accepting who is is at the moment.

I wish him and yourself all the best.

Pax.

[Alice5 in reply to paxo05]

Hi

Many thanks for your reply. I was feeling particularly sensitive yesterday but feel better today after sharing.

I will be contacting Headway for advice and have already looked at some of Headways leaflets which are very useful.

I have a fair bit of knowledge but it was all becoming a blur as to what behaviour is from the BI, what's his behaviour, what's mine and whats the grandkids. I can see a bit clearer today.

Your advice is much appreciated, many thanks 😁

[Hidden]

Hi Alice sorry to hear about what's going on and I feel for you all. Sadly what you've described doesn't surprise me.

I can identify with what you describe regarding your son and exhaustion and overload and it's very likely its causing him fatigue...which takes on a whole new meaning when you've had SAH/BI

It might be 6 years since his SAH but I'm sure you know no two BI's or recoveries are the same. I am 2.5 yrs since mine and have friends 6 and 7 yrs down the road who suffer with fatigue on occasions.

Would it be possible for him to see the children for smaller amounts of time so he doesn't become so exhausted? Just an Idea.

Rachel x

[Alice5 in reply to Hidden]

Hi Rachel

Really appreciate your reply. I know exhaustion and overload play a major part even 6 years on.

He sees his children a lot and they all spend a lot of time with me. I'll often have them overnight to give him a break.

He is a great dad and the recovery he's made is amazing. No one would ever know he had a SAH.

We have talked about the anger issues and he is going to seek help which is a huge step forwards.

I hope you continue on the road to recovery and thanks for your advice, it really helps.

Alice x

[Hidden]

Good luck