Hubby's TBI

[KosGirl]

Two years ago my 54 yr old husband had a cardiac arrest while driving, he had no heartbeat for over 30 minutes but they continued with CPR and fortunately he survived. He now has Hypoxic brain injury and heart failure he has changed so much I don't recognise him as the man I married 33 yrs ago, I'm treading on eggshells around him daily as he's so unpredictable with his moods. He has no sense of humour anymore he shouts and has been violent but he can't remember doing half of these things, we have no relationship anymore. I care for him but the love has gone he has no relationship with our daughter as she can't bear to be around him which breaks my heart. He's turned me into the shell of the person I used to be, I've no confidence, on antidepressants and my health has started to suffer. I miss the old him so much 😢

[Cinderella18]

I’m so terribly, terribly sorry to read what has happened to you. The past 2 years sound like a nightmare for you. Do you receive support from anyone at all? My first thoughts are to contact/join your local Headway branch, unless you’ve already done so? I look forward to other replies to your post as I’ve been in a similar position to some degree and Headway were the best at helping both me and my partner to get to a better place in our lives. Big hugs 🤗

[KosGirl in reply to Cinderella18]

It's been tough I admit and sadly the support from family and friends doesn't exist anymore. Some days are better than others and I can judge his moods now but I miss him terribly, we were mates before we got together and had so much in common but that's gone and that makes me really sad....

[Silkwood20]

Hi KosGirl, that sounds a terrible situation, I am so sorry. I cannot myself offer any advice, but trust that there will be others on this site, with more insight, who will come to your aid soon. Meanwhile ( while keeping yourself and your daughter safe, as the priority ) hang on in there, things do and will change!

[KosGirl in reply to Silkwood20]

Thank you, I'll keep hoping and 🙏

[Skallagrigg]

You need help as much as he does, contact headway and explain, they may have groups for him nearby, as a carer you could join a carers group that may be good for you to chat about the situation, speak to GP and maybe social services for some respite care for each of you, When you are in that ,i.m the shell of a person I used to be mode' I know it's so hard to drag yourself up to do things like I,be suggested, but please make the effort to make those calls, you are important , big hugs

[KosGirl in reply to Skallagrigg]

I will and thank you

[mucky1]

Hi

Brain injurys can change the person so much,my Husband had a fall nearly 5 years ago & is not the same person.

Their behaviour can be very trying !!

My husband doesn't think there is anything wrong with him & other people are the problem which causes a few issue's.

He dislikes people & can be very rude & tell people things that are not right (& will not be corrected) these issues have not improved.

This behaviour does kill any feelings you have for them so you are not alone in that, as for what the answer is I do not know !

I live my own life now & do things I enjoy even going on holiday without him as I need a break for it all.

My children have been great but they too have had to put up with some unkind words from him & some extremely unpleasant things.

I hope your daughter is there for you even if she can't cope with her dad.

Remember you need to look after yourself have some me time

I'm lucky that I can leave my husband & my children will keep an eye on him.

Take care & look after yourself & don't feel guilty about caring for yourself & doing things you enjoy xx

[KosGirl in reply to mucky1]

My husband is exactly the same, very opinionated and can be nasty with his words. He's never the one in the wrong, I miss the fun loving and caring man he used to be and also my protector. We have 2 daughters and I'm going away with the youngest (18) soon for a break while the eldest looks after him. I'll try not to feel guilty, thank you for sharing your situation.

[cat3]

This is a heartbreaking loss for each one of you. The after-effects of brain injury often change the dynamic of relationships. Many of us with brain damage have lost contact with lifelong friends and find ourselves mourning our past lives, alongside our loved ones.

When the permanent effects are as catastrophic as your husband's the scope for rehabilitation is limited, and families are ill equipped for dealing with the lifechanging challenges and losses.

Some folk here have spent decades with violent partners out of sentimentality and loyalty, despite the loss of them as a soul mate and the ceaseless sense of bereavement.

Does your husband have any professional intervention for dealing with his aggression ? I know he won't even be aware of his issues but, after brain injury, relearning acceptable behaviour can be a long-term process ; 1 step forward 2 or 3 back..

As others suggest, please contact the helpline on freephone 0808 800 2244 for support and advice. There may be strategies you haven't considered. Meantime, don't feel guilty about taking time out. Your husband will be cared for, and protecting your own mental health, and that of your daughters, is essential.

And there's still scope for improvements to your situation, even at this stage...

All best wishes to you, Cat x💐

[KosGirl in reply to cat3]

Thanks Cat, I think he's had as much intervention as he's going to get medication, psychologists and neuro rehab etc. It's tough but hopefully we'll get through it.xx

[cat3 in reply to KosGirl]

🤞x

[gr33nmind]

A half an hour, and the worst thing is a personality change? I'm not trying to seem insensitive, but this is downright miraculous. I suffered half hour of cardiac arrest, and severe hypoxia 30 years ago, and even had the fortune or misfortune of it being caused by hypothermia. This greatly reduced the injury. Still I spent 4 months unable to speak or walk with severe hand contracture. I am doing better today, but still have dysarthric speech, and short term attention difficulties.

How can his behavior be addressed? All injuries manifest differently, but I am guessing that the probably has some sort of cognitive issue, and this is causing him to have anger. If the injury is recent as it appears to be, these behavioral issues will subside with time. I was an absolute terror for about 2 years post injury. Try to get him into therapy, and also a short lived antidepressant. SSRI's have been shown to help a brain injury heal, for the first couple of years, and will also improve his mood. Still try and make this a temporary fix. Unfortunately medication can then often cause disruption in brain signals, and can be become problematic. I used to feel as if every time I took my medication, I had just had a shot of whiskey. This feeling eventually caused me even more anger.

His injury will improve. Everyones injury is different, so I don't know how much, but it will get better. Time is the best healer.

[KosGirl in reply to gr33nmind]

Hi,thank you for your response. I don't see it as being insensitive you're absolutely right, I've told him along with all the professionals that it's a miracle he's still with us. After 6 shocks they were ready to give up. I'm sorry to hear about your experience, it's given us hope that there's light at the end of the tunnel. x

[Nemo24]

Sorry to hear your situation. I am one with brain injury, know it's mild but even that affected my identity and how I am. Are there any local support groups close to you? I find it's easier to chat with people who understand the situation from the inside. Most important you need to ge looking after yourself too. Take care.

[KosGirl in reply to Nemo24]

Hi, thank you for sharing. I have some good people around me, I know they don't fully understand what we're going through but they do listen. That's all I can ask for at the moment. x