Sad today.

[MaryLou13]

Is it selfish that I'm sat in the bathroom crying so my husband doesn't hear? We are 9 months in. I love him more than ever if that's possible. Finding it hard that after his intensive rehab I get in from work and he can barely function ( I understand why, I work with children and young adults with sld, pmld and abi). I am so responsible for everything. And. .that's OK. We never expected life to change. And we are very lucky. I'm just tired I think. My adrenalin has ran out. I'm not looking after myself and a bit if a mess. What if he doesn't love me anymore? Anyway. I need to get to work. Bills to pay. I'm sure things will get brighter. I'm very positive most of the time. Just a tired day. Much love everyone x

[Kirk5w7]

Be kind to yourself, it's not selfish, you are human and ''tis is a very difficult hand to play.

I am the one with the BI and I only just said to my husband last night that I was sorry for the last 5 years, I've been so self centred trying to get me back I can only now start to relax and open up. We've had few cuddles and meaningful chats in that time. But he said he understoood as he could only imagine how difficult I was finding it.

Make sur you get me time, a manicure or some sort of pampering , even one evening a week to relax in the bath with a glass of wine etc, etc. You deserve it.

Take care

Janet xxx

[Hidden]

Hi MaryLou 13, I have just been reading your posts to get a handle on your story. I am the partner with the TBI and we are many years down the line. My DH is wont to quote the 'for better or worse' vow and that he meant it! It does sound to me that you would benefit immeasurably from Happy Pills - despite your aversion to drug therapy I would at least try it for say 6 months. GPs start you off on a certain dose but I have found that it is optimum to get a pill cutter and manage the dose carefully to obtain the emotional 'cushion' effect whilst avoiding the 'precipice of despair' on one side and becoming cold and unfeeling on the other. When that tidal wave of desperation is replaced by well-behaved gentle tides one can get to grips with sorting one's life, employ mindfulness etc. And it sure does make it a lot easier for my husband and young people! I wish now that I had not resisted them for a decade...

Take care!

[iforget]

Marylou the simple answer is nope. Its not selfish. Your husband may be the one with the BI but his BI does not exist in a vacuum and it is going to seriously impact you too.

You say you're not looking after yourself and that is key. You simply cannot pour from an empty jug and so it is vital you take good care of you above all else. ...and I mean across the board...you need to nourish your body, mind and spirit in order to be healthy...and there is no shame in asking for help if you find you need it.

Rehab is exhausting. I was largely incoherent and non functioning after every session and that was no fun for anyone close to me. It did get better over time though and 9 months is still early days in terms of BI.

As for does he love you? If he loved you before the BI then its pretty certain he loves you now... he may not be able to show it like he did before but it'll be there. After my BI I had no idea who my husband was and I came home from hospital with what was basically a total stranger... but there was something about him that was familiar and safe and on some very primal level I knew I loved this man.... its now ten years later and I love him to bits

Hope tomorrow feels like a sunnier day for you. Take care of yourself.

[MaryLou13 in reply to iforget]

Oh my goodness, thank you. Yes! He knows who I am but that's it! I can see he feels safe. Which actually means the world Feel a bit brighter tonight. He is wiped out from rehab but we have had our usual snuggle on the sofa after tea and that's OK for me. Thanks everyone for replying x

[Hidden in reply to MaryLou13]

Oh MaryLou I think all of us living with people with a bi know how you feel. It is probably just beginning to hit you that this is reality. When these things first happen you go onto auto-pilot, and don't have time to really think about the future. Now reality is setting in. As others have suggested, do try an short course of anti=depressants, they will help you regain your positivity.

Do keep posting, there is so much support here.

Jan x

[steve55]

marylou emotions such as crying for no reason or laughing inappropriately yes, anger, mood swings are all common, with love and effection further down the list.

[moo196]

Life canbe tough. ....

Try to find a few minutes to yourself from time to time...a bit of self care, a natter, a laugh or see some friends.

Hugs

K

[Hhodg]

Feeling emotional, tired and fed up is totally normal. I have found getting it out makes you feel better. My husband is still in hospital but he is generally asleep or sleepy when we can visit late afternoon . I assume rehab must be exhausting as he is more lively at the weekend. Look after yourself and try not to take on too much.

[oldbessie]

No ,you are not selfish--only human. Caring for anyone is hard work, and working on top of that is bad too. Putting my own health aside, I looked after dad, with Cancer, then Mum, with dementia--for the first nine years of that, I worked full time. Even when my own health failed,and carers had to do the physical caring for mum, I was still there----one thing I learned, nearly too late was that YOU matter too. And you MUST set aside a little time for YOU. Even if it's an hour a day------

[Hidden]

Oh dear please do not use such blanket assertions! We are all different and one size does not fit all. It is something to try and boy I wish that I had not shunned it for almost ten years - so do my loved ones who bore the brunt of my emotions. The point is that, although of course we all have a 'right' to our emotions they are potentially damaging to us and our nearest and dearest (the object of them is often totally unaffected!). And Happy Pills are not a slippery slope (to what exactly?) but a tool to use to one's advantage.

Also I would argue that our NHS is wonderful - a national asset - but the hard-working staff are also under stress and need to be treated with kindness. Whenever someone effectively burns their boats with a patient it is usually possible to switch to someone else.

I do hope that you can support your granddaughter effectively and manage your own anger in the best way for you!

Take care.

[bexx87]

I have a BI and I had to lock myself in the bathroom to cry when I was with my ex as when ever I would cry openly he would ask me what was wrong and I couldn't find a reason which wasn't good enough for him, so to save him integrating me I use to cry in the bathroom or in my bedroom at home, (thankfully we are not together now but every time I get intimate with someone I feel awful and break down crying ) even now if I need to cry in work I will go into the toilet and break down and I am screaming for time off work but its busy as normal and I have to get two managers to agree so I feel your pain

[cat3]

I would never try to promote the idea that antidepressants are to be avoided.

These drugs aren't 'happy pills' like benzodiazepines but, for those who's lives have become unbearable, whether as a result of brain injury of mental illness, they can be life savers.

Many, many people who otherwise would have lived in misery, or chosen to stop living, have been given a second chance by a slight increase or decrease of a particular brain chemical.