Ok so it has taken nearly 17 years but I think I have finally come to terms with things.
It may not be a ground braking discovery but it means a lot to me.
I have decided I like living.....told you it wasnt ground breaking.
For years I have battled to get back to " living" , not just surviving. All the time forgeting I already wss doing so.
Yes I know my life has changed, not for the better inost places. ......I also know there are loads worse off than me.
I think what I have finally discovered....and it has took to long.....is no matter how badmy life gets its just that.....its MY life.
I always thought I had mastered my depression years ago.....yep I know fool. I think finally I may have turned a huge corner......you see I really want to live. ..and I mean REALLY ...even when its a really bad day.
I wish I could pass on how this has happened.....to be honest I dont know.
Maybe I am getting old....or growing up at last. Think more of the former than latter.
Well thats all.....just thought I would share the discovery.
Thanks all.
Pax
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paxo05
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Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom. Mastering others is strength, mastering yourself is true power. Lao Tzu (c.604 - 531 B.C.).
Pax, some people never get there, some don't look for....that place of rest, viewing life in all its splendour, appreciating tiny moments, the stillness of connectedness, the joy of acceptance. So glad you found that which you were seeking.
No need to stand back as I dont move that quickly.
It just seems like a wieght has been lifted. Maybe I finally hit rock bottom and had chance to look around and see the bigger picture......mmmmm bit deep that.....may even be bordering on intelegent thought. Not to worry it will soon pass.
Wanting to be alive, despite what often feel like insurmountable problems, gives us a massive head-start against depression, because it's such a long way back from not wanting to be.
When I was still in my teens a psychiatrist told me 'If we want to live without depression then we must expect shallow lives.' I wrote it in my diary, though it didn't help me much at the time !
It's so good to hear you've turned that corner Pax....................keep going ! xx
What a fantastic read first thing on a Wednesday morning, thank you for that paxo.
Yes couldn't agree more life is worth living and its wonderful life that we all have we just sometimes need the keys to the kingdom to set us free. I have other issues which have taught me to do life on life terms, and keep it simple. At least it was 17 years and not 18.
Fantastic news and I truly hope you and all my fellows here have a fantastic Wednesday. XX Nick
Acceptance, it really is all important. Until you have finally accepted the NEW you, life is always going to be difficult. And to be honest, it took me just as long as your good self to found that particular wonderland.
I've been thinking about this overnight and I'm sure it's mostly a matter of taking ownership of our lives.
It's so easy to blame fate or circumstances but after seeing your words 'It's MY life', Pax, it rang home as an obvious but challenging truth.
I'm as guilty as the next person of believing that I've had my life stolen and this new one is a poor substitute (nothing to do with me really).
But the simple truth is that this present life IS mine too and, however damaged, is the only one I have and should be viewed as equally precious and worthy of celebration.
So that's me, renewing my vows to just 'Get on with it' alongside you Pax, and all others very welcome !! xxx
I even love living. But the best is I am not even scared of the alternative amymore.
I have just decided I have wasted to much time and need to get on with it.......just have to figure what IT is. Thats another thing to look forward to.
Maybe spring is in the air.....maybe I should check my meds....whatever it is I think finally I ready.
Pax, so glad to read this.I think you have found what the Bible describes as 'the peace which passes all understanding,, which is beautiful. It really doesn't matter in many ways how you get there, what is important is that you do. For inner peace places you on a whole different plane in terms of your emotional, spiritual, and therefore (because they are all intrinsically linked) physical health.
I found my peace just over 3 years ago. At the time I thought it was just a passing mood, but I soon realised it was a fundamental change of perspective that there was no coming back from. I have likened it to the way that your life-view changes on becoming a parent. Life can never feel the same again.
This isn't to say that there won't be troubles ahead, but as the song puts it, you have a new and deep awareness of the moonlight, the music, the love and romance too - so you face the music and dance.
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Mourning the Loss
Next stage - job gone. Where do I go from here?
just need some hugs and strength please am exhausted 
