Need advice plz

Is it part of marks injury that some days all he does is find fault with everything, ?

I feel so sorry for our daughters as all they get is their ti blame and at fault for anything and everything they do.

I've hugged these girls and seen too many tears from them. Trying to help them understand and that dad loves them just different.

But god i wish he'd cut them some slack 😳

12 Replies

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  • Hi Debbie

    Short answer is I think so, probably - but someone else here with more knowledge/experience of the type of injury Mark has had will be able to be clearer on that.

    Just talking in terms of coping with a brain which doesn't work the way it used to, though, where I can speak from experience, one of the things which might be coming to the fore here is a sense of real frustration about not being capable of doing/allowed to do things he used to do.

    There are many elements to this change: there is pride, which makes you not want to admit to no longer being capable; there is the loss of self-esteem because deep down you know you are not; there is the sense of utter helplessness as you have to rely on others; and then there is the dissatisfaction because no-one else does things quite how you would do it yourself - backed up by a great dollop of guilt for being so ungrateful towards all these lovely people who are trying to help you....all in all it is a pretty explosive cocktail and what tends to come out is anger at those closest.

    It is the sort of thing a neuropsychologist may be able to help with. It is also something that tbe journey towards acceptance can ease, but I can't say whether it will ever go away completely - emotional lability (or ups and downs) is common in neurological conditions and I guess the same is true of brain injury, and especially, from what little I do know, of frontal lobe injury.

    Hope that offers a little insight - and do get help from a neuropsych if you haven't already. They have really good coping and management strategies.

    Blessings to you, Mark and your girls x

  • I do believe it is his frontal brain injury because I can identify with this as well. I am easily irritated by things, find it hard to reason as am more rigid and less flexible, my progress from irritated to angry is rapid and even though I often know I am being unreasonable in my reactions I can't put a brake on controlling my reactions! At least your girls have you to intervene, cushion, remove, support, love and cuddle them etc when the situation occurs. My now 9 yr old son has no one to do that so has to deal with me on his own. I frequently fear he is going to end up hating me. I certainly despise myself for how I react and the impact on my son! Likewise I sure wish I could control it or even better stop it!

    I found some reassurance from reading James Cracknell's and his wife's book about his BI because he experienced similar difficulties particularly towards his son Croyde so it validated for me that this wasn't just me turning into a grouchy old bag it was the bi! A good half of the book is about James pre bi and initially I thought why are they writing so much about that but when I got to the 2nd half of the book I understood because you then could understand how much he and his personality had changed. Am wondering how old your girls are because there are some books written for children to help them understand bi and the effects on their parent.

  • Hi Debbie

    I think it probably is to do with Mark's BI as it definitely affects mood and emotions. Can be very up and down.

    My son has recovered physically from his SAH really well and is independant apart from me helping when things get overwhelming or with organisation and with my grandchildren.

    Friday, I had a real laugh with him and his son, my son can be childlike at times too and very OTT in a hilarious way.

    Yesterday was a very hectic day and overwhelming for him with too much to do. I made one comment that he took the wrong way and that was it, it was taken right out of context and he went on and on and on, unable to stop having a go at me.

    It really can be like great fun one minute, walking on egg shells the next.

    It's passed now, not a major issue but hurtful at the time.

    He is aware of it but can't stop once he's started, if you know what I mean.

    Are your daughters old enough for you to explain why he behaves the way he does or to show them info on Headway? it may help them to understand there's a reason for it, not just him having a go.

    Take care, Debbie, its not easy xx

  • Hi Debbie.

    Afraid it probably is bi related as stated frontal lobe.

    This is not given as an excuse but as to ecplain it. I had real trouble understanding my emotions after my bi ( ok still do ). Kept giving out wrong response , meaning I meant to react one way but another emotion came out. At first was unaware but realised from others reactions something was wrong. Trouble was I kust couldnt alter it. This led to even more internal anger.

    Like I said no excuse but a little possible explination. Cbt help for me a little though it is no quick fix.

    All the best

    Pax x

  • Hi Debbie, as I've said before I'm three and a half years on and still finding changes, my frontal lobe wasn't damaged but with encephalitis the whole of the brain is squeezed and sometimes you get changes in different areas. So,luckily my personality isn't affected but I can't deal with children.

    I get so irritable if I'm in the presence of noisy or crying children, it's not their fault its the fact that my rain can't cope with the frequencies their voices produce. I'm the same with children playing in neighbouring gardens, I have to go inside, my brain can't cope.

    So it's Mark's bi Im sure, I would have so much trouble if I had children at home, they'd be walking on eggshells. I've not seen my youngest granddaughters since March ( but I am seeing them in a few weeks). I'm learning to cope with the feelings I get and understand them for what they are, and relax around children. Their exuberance and vitality doesn't help either if things happen too quickly round me I find it confusing too.

    It must be so hard integrating a BI into young family life. I said, many moons ago ow, I'm better on my own, so I tended to isolate myself, not something that can be easily done with a young family.

    Love Janet x

  • Our girls are 25 and 19 but their age doesn't mean they hurt any less.

    They are amazing and I'm so proud of them both just feel for them when it's constant nit picking. They know it's worse when dads tired but it gets too much sometimes

  • I'm sorry Debbie, thought they must be younger as my youngest two are 25 and 20 now but they are fine around me and do understand if I get a bit snippy. Most of the time I'm on my own and get plenty rest time so I'm glad to have the company and remove myself from awkward situations. It's probably another problem that Mark is going to have to learn to cope with. I know a BI is hard to live with but he will have to learn coping strategies. As said before perhaps CBT will help xxx

    Much love Janet xxx

  • I think from personal experience that sometimes some of us (mostly men) can use our injury to justify our dumb behaviour. My wife took professional help and used that advice against me to great effect. I used to blow up like a bomb, sparking for an argument, just wanting to fight, and instead of rising to the fight as she would normally do she would basically calmly refuse to argue with me. Within ten seconds it blew me out. Now i dont bother arguing. It all boils down to the same thing in each case, somewhere there is a person with vastly more experience of these things and you have to put into effect what they say despite it feeling unatural. I know you probably are never going to get mark to therapy so you have to get your own and let them give you strategy. Perhaps that therapy will involve your daughters. As ive said before, if you want to change some things in your life you need to change some things in your life!

  • hi debbie, I can't add anything new other than to say for me it was a tragic, frustrating and irrational aspect of things, why we push the people away we love and need I just don't know ,but like most aspects of BI it makes no sense and follows no logic.

    someone else mentioned James Cracknells book and how this is a feature of his recovery, I have a copy of the book which I no longer need so would be more than happy to send it to you if you give me an address.

    thanks

    Neil

  • Hi

    Unfortunately the other writers are probably correct unfortunately

    My wife would probably say I am still like that after 50+yrs (not been married 50+yrs just feels like it lol)

  • sorry debbie36a thats why 85% of marriages fail after a brain injury.

    we re not the same person we were. marks not going to be the same.

    like my wife you get break from mark....barbs said she d go insane if she had to stay with me 24/7.

  • *Hangs head.*

    Yep.

    I've always been awkward, but, since the BI, I'm damned-near impossible sometimes. Me-before was irritable, and incredibly frustrated with other people who couldn't/wouldn't do things, get on with things, people who were needy, or reliant, or expected other people (me) to do everything for them. Add to that a layer of frustration at the things *I* can't do now, and the BI has created something of a monster.

    I recognise it, and I don't act-out the crazy first impulses that jump into my head, I calmly and coldly walk away from things that irritate me, because, even though the impulse to scream "WASH YOUR PLATE, DON'T LEAVE IT ON THE BACK OF THE SOFA!" or "ALL THE INFORMATION YOU NEEDED WAS IN THE FIRST EMAIL, CAN'T YOU READ?" is overwhelming, I know that's not the right thing to do. Doesn't stop me thinking it, though, and it wears me out, analysing, and altering the first impulse.

    I know I'm not the same, and I'm trying my very hardest to deal with it, without impacting on other people who are the same. For me, the can't-you, and the I-can't are setting up a phenomenal internal battle in me. I accept that the husband just expects me to clear away his plates, and beer cans, and the son knows where it's safe to step in his room, so sees no need to have the carpet visible. I know that some people at work are just lazy, and think that if they keep repeatedly asking me how to do something, I'll just take it from them, and do it myself. I know I'm not as physically strong, and none of my clothes fit properly, I know which headaches and pains are now my 'normal', I know I've changed.

    Doesn't help you at all, I know, but Mark has changed physically, and emotionally, time, and the right resources will help him, and you to deal with it.

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