If things weren't great between us before marks injury. .....which mark didn't recognise and thought we were ok....will it be worse now and does he remember?
Never told anyone this but marks never been tactile or gave much empathy since i made him tell me why. He was abused as a child by his mother's friend. I got him help but he didn't want it.
So for along time (at least a year) he said we didn't need to be all over each other.
He's gone and going through so much now. I love him but not in love anymore. How can i try and get nothing in return. Think I've been taking care of mark longer than these last 5 months. I might sound selfish and im sorry. I'll always keep helping mark because i love him. But i don't know me anymore
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debbie36a
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hi their one thing you have to remember if mark was abused by his mother's friend it might be scares inside that haven't heeled, i know you have said that you got help for him but if he's not one to open up you have got one major problem until mark wants to open up there isn't much you can do except try talking to him to see if he will open up i'm not saying you haven't tried this before but you never know or have you spoken to someone about his past to try and get more information on what happened take care kindest regards let me know how you get on Alan
I am sorry that you have such a dilemma. Can I suggest that you go and talk to someone like a counsellor, or specialist support worker about this. They may be able to help you work out how to help him. Not sure who to suggest you contact, possibly women's aid or the Samaritans who may be able to put you in touch with someone. You need a chance to talk about your feelings. Hugs, jenni. MW6MLJ
Dreadful, just dreadful. There are clearly more things going on here than just his injury, previous scars are running deep and the injury may only exacerbate them. I say 'may' with some trepidation as I certainly hope it's not the case, however it would seem to be the case.
You are doing the best you can under enormously trying circumstances and he does need help, but sadly it's the kind of help that you can't give. And NEVER forget, you also have to take care of yourself, YOU are equally as important and your own health and well-being are very, VERY important.
Take care,
Baron/Andy
There's something drastically wrong occurring within Marks psyche. He needs professional help but needs to recognise that fact I think. Perhaps a call to Headway for a recommendation. Wish you both well. Paul
Hi Debs. Wow, you have it in spades, don't you? Bless you, love.
Bit hard to call how this will pan out BI-wise, because emotions are often affected and it might not be so much a case of whether or not he remembers how things were as what emotions and urges are now flooding through.
I haven't got BI so much as a brain condition but for me personality changes have definitely affected libido (plus with ME you are just permanently knackered...) We had to find a way through that....together. Part of it was around me becoming quite assertive when I did feel abandoned (we are neither of us particularly tactile so if I don't make my OH give me a hug...I won't get one!) and part of it was allowing ourselves to say that it wasn't going to be a big issue because we would talk about it if it was becoming a problem. (So far that is working, a big part of that is I think because a friend's marriage failed recently after her husband decided since he wasn't getting any at home he would get it anywhere he could...it really made us look at our relationship and whether we would end up there if we weren't careful. We decided talking and openness would keep us from that situation).
There is a wonderful book (forget the name of the chap who wrote it) called something like 'I love you - but I am not in love with you' which is all about the journey our long term relationships go on, and how to keep them vital and energised as we travel along through the years. It is worth a read. It will give you comfort - your feelings are normal and they do not need to be death-knells.
As for the abuse side of things, two of my ex-partners had had similar life experiences. Sadly it is more prevalent than we like to admit. Some people come to terms with the abuse and work this through on their own. For others it can be a real barrier to intimacy and help is needed - for the survivor's partner as well as the survivor themself.
Women's Aid (despite the name) will be able to put you in touch with specialists who can help, as will your local Rape Crisis centre. Also Relate will have survivor counsellors too. A lot of this can be accessed by phone and online (including consultations online) these days, particularly helpful if the thought of discussing it face to face with someone is a factor in refusing help, which it often is, and particularly for male survivors.
I hope all that helps. I have been where you are....if you need a shoulder just lean away.
God bless xxx
With brain injury it's a crap shoot, some people like me actually turn out better (stronger, faster...sorry just got the box set of the six million dollar man) but that is due to a lot of the things that used to make me unhappy disappearing like work for instance. Without the everyday pressures I'm a nice guy. So you may get lucky, but it's anyone's guess. But one thing I did do was see a headway recommended Neuropsychologist, who helped me gain a perspective on my current condition. If you could get him there under the guise of brain therapy he may open up on his other issues. Just remember you are never alone there are experts queuing up to help you with your problems and you don't have to suffer.
in reply to
Should also mention that I'm like this five years in, the early years are hard and take a lot of adjusting too. Also I'm a man, so I behaved like a child for about the first two!
I'm Reading this and seeing a mirror of my relationship. before my injury me and my partner were at the end of of Of The Road but I can't remember it and couldn't understand why he doesn't want me and it hurts I'm b
Not sure mirror was the right word but I feel like I can relate
As a partner and now carer you must seek help , has he any siblings that could help out . you must take care of yourself first , this is a place I have been to and visit on occasions , I am very lucky to have a close friend who helps out . Good luck and kind regards Stef
Hi. Life is never simple hey! You and Mark have obviously discussed this pre BI. He may or may not remember some stuff pre BI, but also an acquired BI can have unusual affects where those bad memories from the past can suddenly be refilled by the brain where they can not be found. Not saying this is the case for Mark but may be. I would wait for a bit further down the recovery line when Mark is able to open up better, and you may be able to discuss with him what he remembers from the past and what he doesn't. It is unfortunate that this has occurred and not discussed pre BI and will only complicate matters. It has taken my second wife some years to realise how my BI before I met her affects my mood and memory and that I have so much missing from the past. I show little empathy or sympathy for my wife and she finds this very difficult. I know you obviously want to be there for Mark and love him but don't seem to be in love with him at the present time. Give it time as I said above, see what happens let Mark get a bit further down the line. If you still feel the same and Mark does remember things then you will have to sort between you. Give it some time but make sure he is aware at some point if you still feel the same. Hope this helps.
Since you really have no control what Mark will or won't do, you need to get the support and help you need to make your life work regardless of what Mark does or doesn't do. Years ago someone gave me valuable advice which I didn't take at the time, because I didn't get it then, I do now. What they said was "you need to figure out what you are going to do to be happy for your life assuming your partner never changes. This doesn't mean you have to stop loving them and caring about them, just take care of yourself too. Fill your cup first as you can't give from an empty cup." Best wishes to you.
Hi Debbie, I am Karen, my heart goes out to you both, While a lot of things are lost or changed after a brain injury, some traumatic events , long buried or secretly endured can suddenly be vividly remembered and re experienced or awakened. Your Mark has confessed a terrible secret, you, naturaly, feeling exhausted, unloved and rejected and needing to understand are wanting more details and for him to talk about it, and perhaps to a proffesional ?, the only people he could or might want to talk about this with is other people, men particulaly who have also been through this, you can not possibly understand the confusion, shame and often guilt felt by men who have been abused this way , often by people they look up to or even love, some even question their sexuality or worse and are literally tortured by what happened to them, I have known many, had a few break down sobbing in my arms, but my partner Peter, is very much like your Mark, in that he deals with it by not dealing with it , becoming angry , avoiding intimacy etc, I understand far more than i wish i did as unfortunatly i have a lot of experience of sexual abuse and its effects from both the male and female perspectives. I know very well, sadly, without all the details, how far things went in terms of Peter`s abuse and how conflicted he is, involentary pleasure or exitement is common , often encouraged by the abuser, and often the abused feel somehow guilty and ashamed. Mark needs to know that none of it was his fault, that he was a blameless victim of a vile predator. He is backing away from you because of his pain, feelings of degredation and conflict within himself, not because he dosent love you , you were probably the one person who kept him sane safe and grounded, he cant tell you anymore, it would unman and emasculate him, the others i have known, had never even told their wives or anyone. I was easy to talk to because i had suffered the same thing. When i was 15, i met and later lived with a man in his 40s who turned out to be a sexual sadist, anal rape began the day i moved in, was commited often, and he could do far worse, but it was like i was under his spell, i still loved him, stayed with him, even when he put me on the game and I never told a soul what he did, apart from the others like me, not till years later after my brain injury when it all came flooding back. Those memories became an obsession, i needed to answers, i wanted to find him and know why he did those things to me. I found an obituary, he had died a year earlier, peacefully in his sleep. Please Debbie, dont give up, your relationship has changed, you and Mark have changed, You arent in love but you love him. Love is a good place , the best place to start again from. You need to put intamicy aside for now, hard as that is , start with small gestures of affection,a note with a heart, a flower, a touch, explain that you need a little affection, a sign that he needs you, find what makes you laugh, what makes him laugh, My brain injury has left me and him with many problems, I never leave the house, I panic around people, i cant even be in the same room with Peter most of the time, i cant bear the the TV, the lights or noise, but the one thing i know, even if the relationship has changed, that we are changed, is that i love him, that i am still in love with him and whatever happens or dosent happen, i tell him every day, I love you, and when he says i love you back, anything and everything else is bearable. Its been a long long time since i have talked , to anyone like this and I hope you do not hate me for being what i was or speaking, this is the only way i can now, so to you, but I can feel your pain, your loss and frustration and i can also feel for him, brain injury makes you feel you are a stranger in a strange world, everything is to loud, to bright and to fast, feelings are either lost or overwhelming, you have lost each other, you have to try find each other again
very courageous of you ladyhawke, I have a great deal of respect for you.Like most on here, we don't open up about our pasts, especially if a bad or unhappy one.
one thing I learnt as a child, is we (at the time) accept what happens to us as normal. it doesn't occur to us to question things, we trust and even love the adults in whose care we are, and often it's only as adults do we realise many things weren't done correctly, but when I was a child society as a whole was different to how it is now. I just had 2 close calls to sexual abuse as a child, but with hindsight yes had enough at times of neglect and mental/physical abuse. that's probably why I married the wrong man because I was pregnant at 19 and yes he is the father, but I didn't love him, I thought I did, and stayed for 45 years of marriage. like many here, I took no pleasure in or from our sexual relationship, even though I am a tactile person. We saw a marriage guidance counsellor, didn't work. Yes we had some good times, but yes I think my childhood, stress of a more unhappy than happy marriage, living with someone who was totally self obsessed about being the clever one who always had the right answer and knew best, were all slowly taking their toll, hence my personality changes, before and since I left him suddenly one day, after we'd retired here to France, where he became very unsociable left us with nothing in common. Then I had my BI and for all the practical problems I still face I feel more at peace with myself and happier than I've ever been, yes I'm still waiting for help with many of the effects of the BI! and yes I do think of and care about my husband, but I don't love him. I think if he had loved me, he would have cared when I had the BI, I spent a whole year ranting about him on here feeling sorry for myself, I got it out of my system, you can't throw away what is now 47 years of a marriage. albeit we are separated.
Thats why I also urge Debbie to try and hang and hold on to what she's got now, albeit it's been a long 5months for her, but in terms of her marriage, her feelings for Mark, she will be the kingpin for Marks recovery and return of her love for him, her certainly can't cope with both of his problems on his own. I don't think I'd be where I am now if my husband had shown an ounce of caring or concern, even though he'd agreed to try for a reconciliation at my request, before the BI, only a few weeks after I'd left him, that was his opportunity to help me and save our marriage, we'd gone enough years sleeping together with no intimate contact, there was the missed opportunity to start again. There are no perfect solutions to imperfect circumstances unless we take the time and make the effort!
Sort of going through the same thing but from the other side. Terrified of loosing my wife because I'm no longer 'me' or the man she married.
I'm currently having councelling from a local charity group that is more specifically for cancer patients and/or their carers but also councel those with long term or life limiting/changing conditions and this is helping me a lot. My wife starts her sessions with them tomorrow.
They do the sessions seperately so that you don't hold back your feelings or dont express yourself properly for fear of hurting or distressing either party.
It sounds very much to me that both of you need that type of help. A lot of people poo poo the idea of councelling or have said that it didn't wotk for them, well it seems for me at least it does help. It's totally confidential and they will also give advice of where to go for further help or support.
I found mine by accident from a leaflet floating around in a rack of leaflets for all sortd of things from STD's to ear wax n hearing aids at my local med centre whilst waiting to see a GP who say's 'All stress and think you're a bit depressed' no advice as to what to do or offer of support just 'You've only got a 10 min appointment.' 'Next please'.
Seek some help for yourself and try to get Mark to seek help too. If only you take the opportunity then at least you will be able to get things in perspective and find 'you' again.
KIndest thoughts to you both and hoping for a better future for you.
hi Debbie, so sorry to read that, but in a BI 5mths is such a short time, although I understand what you say about loving him but not 'being in love' anymore.
Mark has lived with his mental scars for so many years before he met you and and not opened up till now, there has recently been so much on TV about abuse of children, perhaps all he'd kept back and not told anyone before, is now coming to the foreground of memories.
it just needs a trigger 'word or name' to do so. With. it's my expat forum and this, someone only has to mention something and old memories of rchildhood places I've been or things I've done or not done suddenly are there in my brain!
Men can be hugely stubborn about opening up, we've seen it here where people say they follow comments for yonks without contributing, but now we have so many more than just the 2+ years I've been using Headway, look at Matt, Sospan, Baron C and a host of others, who when they posted under some of the names you don't know if they are male or female, not thT it's relevant but now we are getting to know each other we know who we are.
do you think Mark would look at or contribute to a discussion forum, which there possibly is somewhere online, for abused children, where he could remain anonymous, and when you read other people experiences whatever the topic, it makes you realise you are not 'alone' and others can relate to you, because they understand!
I'm not saying you don't understand, but by his book perhaps he thinks you don't.
you've made a great start already in that he admitted it to you, but yes, loving, patience, acceptance, tolerance are now your hurdles to overcome for you and for Mark.
The real you, is obviously the kind, caring and compassionate person you come over as, on this this forum. it's the not getting anything back in return from Mark that's hurting you now, and I do understand your need for that, you are being his rock, as we are yours for as long as you need, but yes you need a face to face friend or family member who will listen and give you a big hug and tell you how wonderful you are with all you've gone through also these last five months. We on here are not face to face I know, (unless we choose to put our photo with our user names, which I think helps make it like we are all in the same room but at different times, so don't give up, you are stronger than you think!
I do hope you can find a pathway you can walk down together it's a a big journey for you both. virtual love'n hugs Shirley xx
Thank you shirley I've not much in the way of my family but it's a long story. I've fought through life from an early age. Me and mark needed no one just our little bubble. We went everywhere together. Don't know who I'm more sad for me or him. I'll fight on like i do. But i do ask myself would he for me?
hi again, funnily enough in answer to your question and statement, I've also just written quite a lengthy reply to someone a bit further down on the discussion, which may or not help you one way or another. but then I've been married 47 years now, although separated. I really do hope you can find someone to talk to in reality, typing everything you want to say takes it toll also, I know.
but only 2 in a bubble that bursts, it's like it was with me, so yes I do understand how you feel.
Do you work, have you a close friend there? I know hardest part of being being 'between a rock and a hard place' is finding a workable way out and back to where you used to be before that wave burst the bubble!
Like every one else said, the key at the moment is getting help for Mark to talk it all through with a or some professionals. Does Mark have other different family, his dad, or a close friend you could talk to 1st to explain where he's at now, but who would be sympathetic and proactive in helping Mark? I do hope you find a way to help him and you before it's too late for you both. keep in touch, Shirley xx
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