I have things that I need and want to do but dont have it in me to do them

[bexx87]

This is a raw example of how I am far to hard on myself

Things I want to do:

Go to Dawlish

Go and have look around open doors day

Things I need to do:

Laundry (which I have reluctantly put on because i have to, i cant go to work next week were smelly unwashed clothes) I need to do 2 loads clothes and then bedding but I doubt the bedding will get washed

Washing up

Putting out rubbish

Returning a library book that I keep renewing (not because I am using it because I cant find it due to the state of the flat but now i have found it I need to return it)

Tidying (i did a bit last week but i still have lot to do and you couldnt tell)

Putting away last weeks laundry that is still out / letting last weeks laundry that is still wet up

Getting food shopping

Donate unnecessary things to the charity shop

Do I have the energy to do any of this: Nope

Do I really care: Nope

Will I wind myself up over not doing it: Completely

Are there any consequences to me not doing these: a little but not drastically

Things I say to talk myself round: if you do a little bit every 30 minutes it will slowly get done, you dont have to do it all in one hour, you have the entire weekend to do it, you have been at work all week and your sleep pattern is messed up, give you self a break and ease up on yourself

Am I believing myself: Nope

Am i ignoring myself: Yup

What I would like: Someone to do it all for me

Is that a option: Hell no

How else am I trying to encourage myself: putting on pumping music (for example: Jax Jones - You Don't Know Me ft. RAYE/ Jax Jones - Instruction ft. Demi Lovato, Stefflon Don/ MEGHAN TRAINOR - NO EXCUSES)

Is this have more of an effect that the words: kinda, its made me feel better and perked me up

[bexx87]

I have finished one load of washing and hung it up, I have put on a 2nd loaded of washing, I have hung up the washing I didnt hang up last week and put away the washing that was hung up and had dried and i got my trash ready and piled to take out, got dressed and gave the inside of the fridge a wipe down

[Elenor3]

Hi Bexx

You’re half way there you’ve made a list Yoyve considered the timescale for the tasks. You’ve tried to help yourself with active music. Remember to say well done to yourself for those things because it’s hard to get things done sometimes and it’s easy to ignore things. Well done for just working out what needs doing. Just one of those things a day will get it done. Maybe give yourself a little reward for whatever you get done today - even something little. Sounds to me like you deserve a treat

[bexx87 in reply to Elenor3]

Thanks, the treat is a trip to Dawlish but even getting there is a task in itself so maybe I need to think of a smaller treat like playing the sims 2 for a few hours Im now now really tired again from all the washing i have hung up, put away and put on but in only took about a hour to do

[bexx87]

Went to take the trash out to see the estate agent showing someone round upstairs so thats why its been so noise upstairs they were doing repair work getting to ready again had to explain Im a neighbor down stairs and was being nosy

[bexx87]

Thats the bedding all hung up on the line our side and I remade the bed and put my other cover on for tonight that I washed a few months ago but never used

[bexx87]

Ive gotten gotten back from popping to the shops quickly to get milk and a little bit of food to eat

[Hidden]

LOVE this post!

[bexx87]

I'm in Exeter I found the energy to come down after all I'm just getting confused about what bus to get to dawlish as the coach stops on the outskirts and I'm on another bus to go into the town centre and I'm sure there will be a bus to Dawlish/Teinmouth/Paignton I can get

I think I'm come back my train despite the cost it's less hassle

[Kavib]

Why don’t you just do one of those things?

Then once you have then think about another.

It’s a long list and if I have a long list it gives me high anxiety.

3 things is manageable but anymore is difficult. So now I just do one off my list and after that I can decide whether I want to do more.

I have written an article here: if you get sometime please read : anxiety on kavitabasi.com

Thanks !

[Hidden]

Did you get home ok?

[bexx87 in reply to Hidden]

Hi Neverdidmind, eventually yes thanks at 2:30 am (I left Dawlish at around 8:40pm), I spent all Sunday in bed recovering and am now at work very tired and grouchy as I had issues sleeping last night so only got about 5 hours sleep again, I have my last CBT session this afternoon which she isn't going to be happy with my mood score as I was improving thanks to the medication (not the sessions it doesn't work as Im doing everything they are suggesting (2 requirement, 2 needed and 2 fun everyday and have just suddenly realised I left my booklet at home when leaving for work so I will have to pop home and pick it up in my lunch break) but atleast I can say well I tried and proved it doesn't help still) but my mood score has dropped due to my fractured sleep pattern

[Hidden]

I find these things so hard too. I punish myself mentally all the time for not doing what I need to. I know what to do (often) or how to find out. I know when to do things by (at work or home). When discussing what needs doing with someone I can forget the trouble I have actually doing things. It can all seem find to do x, y, and z in the moment when I have momentum. But then a meeting ends and I have to do things and the pressure to do them by when and in what location etc... mounts. It seems like the anxiety of actually doing things is too much, just in case I fail. I accept from the off that whatever I do will not be good enough because I have to battle through the anxiety before I can start or continue to do something. My concentration with waver too much while I am doing things too, then I can worry about running out of time more because things are taking so long to complete. Then after hours I have used up lots of our precious energy worrying about what I need to do. Then I need more sleep and rest to compensate but I am running out of time to do things so I don't have time to rest more and even if I did I would be too stressed to rest. And around and around the cycle goes and the 'dizzier' I become and all of a sudden I am out of the job again and failing to look after my basic needs, and broke and not sleeping and I have to put myself back together again. Ahhhh!!!

[bexx87 in reply to Hidden]

I told my therapist about how busy I made myself this weekend and last weekend and how I ended up with a messed up sleeping pattern and she said I'm not surprised you exhasted your self then manage to drag yourself to work in-between you need to understand your not lazy for not doing a bit of house work or cancelling a social activity the past year your mental health has been ripped apart your no longer 13 with the ability to spring back and it made sense

[Hidden]

Yep. So frustrating but true. I have lived with TBI for 20 odd yrs but still want to push myself and improve... still full of rage (but less often), becoming more resigned to my fate but that's probably not the best way to look at it. How do you try to think about it?

[bexx87]

I'm 17 and half years and am pretty much the same I have so much hate towards my mum for how she treated me but am constantly looking especially in work to improve and stay in the industry I have 8 it qualifications and 8 years work experience and need to be constantly evolving (I need to learn cloud stuff) to keep pace and not get left behind and Ive recently started helping out in our disabled group in work with IT related issues which feels nice to make a impact and I feel very angry towards the person who caused these side effects I had and the impact it has caused and because I have to see this person when I go to my headway social group and he has no idea how he has nearly devestated my life he tried talking to me and headway Bristol have to intervene every time and keep us separated as a protection method for me

[bexx87]

I have a article published on headway about my achievements: headway.org.uk/about-brain-... posted a outdated link

[Hidden in reply to bexx87]

Sounds like u done well. My personality change/mood lability has got so bad with dealing with pressure(or supervisors) in a workplace i not even worked part time since 2015. So definately pat urself on the back(obviously not with the aid of a cow in a field!!!).

[Hidden]

Luckily i live dad at present-tho he does meals/washing uphoovering,& i try & i do bins,washing machine/put washing on line/fold up clothes! As for round fiance's house-i do shopping,she does washing up,good as shopping only once a week! Hope she doesn't come on here to read! LOL

[FiHut]

Thank you, your post covers my life too, although I don't want to go to Dawlish trying to do "normal" things feels impossible, I can't keep track of time, meal times - I don't cook without causing a disaster, normally through the Tremors my BI have given me means I decorate the cooker and wall, you do not want to take a cup of tea from me and as for burnt pots, it just that I become so distracted and so it continues until bedtime when I tell myself that this was just a bad day and I will get my act together for tomorrow but I won't because I can't and so it has been for 7 years and I am just so tired of it all and question why they ever woke me up.