I don't know how familiar you are with this story so I'll give you a quick run down.
The story goes; Damocles was a servant of King Dionysius, a tyrant at the time. One day Damocles exclaimed to the king, that as he had such power and fortune, his life must be easy and wonderful, how fortuitous. So Dionysius offered to his servant the opportunity to swap places with him, so that he could feel the the power that he longed for. Damocles eagerly accepts this offer, and couldn't be happier. But as Damocles sat down on his new throne, he looked up to find a sword hanging above him, held only by a horse hair. Damocles turned and begged his king to let him go to his old position, as he did not want to live with this constant fear.
Basically the king had conveyed the constant fear a man in his position has looming over him.
This is the best way I can describe my situation, my AVM can burst at any time and end me. There are no factors involved that can prevent this, or make it any worse, it will just happen.
So I have two options;
1) Live in constant fear of it happening.
2) Know that if it's going to happen, it will just happen, and carry on as normal.
But it's not as simple as that, we're human beings after all. Every time I get a strange feeling in my head, it scares me to death, which is pointless in theory, as doing this will change nothing.
So I'm now stuck between these two points, I know that option 1) is completely understandable, but it's no way to live. With the brain damage, this is particularly hard to get out of, seizures are just the cherry on top. So if I'm not worried about seizures, I'm worried about a stroke.
I've had surgery, but my AVM is huge, and diffuse, so opening my head and taking it out is impossible. I've had radiation surgery, but that's no guarantee.
So I'm a bit stuck at the moment. My point is, how are you all doing? It's a tough now, so how are you feeling? I'm sort of white-hot furious today.