To be or not to be – the fibro question

To be or not to be – the fibro question

I have been alarmed and dismayed to see that a number of members who have recently posted say that they can’t take any more, feel like making an end of themselves, or that they may as well be dead.

It’s always distressing to hear that someone is in so much pain, emotional, physical or both that they feel the only way out is to take their own life. It used to be said that people who threaten suicide never do it, but sadly, I know from experience that they very often do!

My late husband drowned himself. There was little warning, although he had been threatening suicide for many years. He suffered bi-polar disorder, despite which he had always seemed cheerful enough. He had a very colourful personality, and everyone had become used to his threats, We thought he was just being dramatic.

Suddenly one day he was gone. He wrote a note saying that he could take no more – but he never specified what had grieved him so much. My daughter and I were left wondering why – whether it was something we had done, or not done – said or not said – the pain of not knowing was terrible!

It is known, also, that ‘para-suicide’ is not uncommon. The sufferer will overdose, but not hugely, or do something dangerous, but leave opportunity for someone to rescue them. To my mind, they are crying for help in a most extreme way – why were they unable to ask for the help they needed, and why did no one notice their distress? Unfortunately, these cries for help are often fatal.

No one should need to kill themselves. I guess most people who suffer a chronic, painful or disabling disease have had days when they didn’t particularly care if they ‘woke up dead’ the next morning, but things improve, pleasurable events come along, pain eases for a few days and we become strong enough to carry on.

Dead is forever. It gives you no chance of getting better, no further chance of love or joy, or laughter with your friends, no more chance of hugs with your children, your loved ones.

To anyone who feels like harming themselves, I say please call at once for help. Scream, shout, kick and yell until someone helps you – and they will!

Practical and emotional help is always available, tho’ I know it’s not always easy to access that help.

The link to Samaritans is often given on this forum. Please call them, they will know how to help, and as soon as possible see your GP and tell them how you feel. Patients are often too reticent with their doctors and don’t express how much they are really suffering.

Call an ambulance if you are truly desperate.

Talk to us on this site – we may sometimes offer weird and wonderful advice, but we all care, and we all share your pain. We can often suggest little ways in which you can make your life easier and better.

I just had a scare – I thought I had cancer, but it appears that I only have a stomach ulcer. My daughter too, was seriously ill in the summer, and has made a good recovery. These things have made me realise how very precious and fragile life is – even the wonky old life of someone with fibro and arthritis.

Your life is very precious too, so don’t even think of throwing it away – no matter how ill or desperate you are, you can be helped to feel better.

It might take time, but you’ll get there!

I am adding, yet again, the phone number for Samaritans. I don’t think it can be highlighted too often, as it can truly be a life-saver!

•08457 90 90 90* (UK)

•1850 60 90 90* (ROI)

Also online at samaritans.org

Love and comfort to you all ... Moffy

16 Replies

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  • Thank you

  • thankyou for such a lovely caring message Moffy,

    I'm so sorry to hear about your husband,

    I hope you know there was nothing you could have done.

    sending you a hug (( :) ))

    sandra.

  • Thank you Sandra and Lullabell!

    I should have mentioned that my husband died ten years ago, and the pain has faded. We are left with many good memories of Max, and time has made me realise that it was unlikely anyone could have prevented his suicide - his mental state was so unpredictable, and at least up until his death he was happy and knew he was loved.

    Sadder still, tho' are tragedies of people who have harmed themselves because they felt alone and that no one cared about them.

    I'm glad we have this online community - I guess we all feel we are among friends, and we can give each other support. I know that all the team here have been concerned at the number of people who are very distressed at the moment, and we have all made extra efforts to offer a helping hand. xxx

  • Thanks for this message, and I would like to reaffirm some of what you've said. I have also noticed a lot of very unhappy posts on this forum. And I feel so sad for everyone who feels that way. Sadly I have a friend who recently did overdose. Thankfully, she is still with us, and it seems that her family are finally taking her extreme unhappiness seriously. I am devastated for her that it took this action to make them sit up and take notice. But my first thought, when I found out, was that I had failed her, as a friend. She has told me, that is far from the truth. But I still feel that way. So, to anyone who is having these dark thoughts, please don't do what my friend did. As Moffy said 'please call at once for help. Scream, shout, kick and yell until someone helps you'.

    Nothing that has happened, no person who has hurt you, should cost you your life.

    There is an old saying 'it is darkest just before the dawn'

    I love dawn- it is a beautiful time of day. Please hang on in there, and wait for it to come.

  • Moffy you are proof that you can go through dark times and survive. Thankyou for such an honest post. I've had the bad times too and you do think terrible things sometimes but something pulls me through and I am actually starting to be kind to myself,something that has taken a long time,too long. But there is always hope and that is such an important word. We are all here to support each other.

  • I can relate to this personally as my sons friends dad committed suicide over the Christmas holidays.... He had battled depression for many years but was a wonderful father. he had some problems with his wife and he took his own life.... And reading the posts of so many who feel their partners don't understand ... All I can say is no matter what problems they had his wife is devastated that now she CAN'T sort out the problems they had its too late and she is left behind with two teenage boys. Please if you feel like life isn't worth carrying on please get some help be it the Samaritans your health network even friends as when you have gone its too late for you and for the family and friends who are left behind. As my sons friends mum said yes we were having problems but if I had known how bad he was feeling I would have got him help and reassured him more that we could get through it. When you are so low sometimes you don't realise how much you are loved and valued

    VG x

  • Hi i too am very alarmed at the expressions of suicide and lost hope that Ive have seen lately on this site. It is so sad that some of our community feel that life is now so unbearable that death seems a more enticing solution. I can only add my voice to those who are pleading for anyone who might be feeling this way to reach out and ask for help. No matter how isolated you might be feeling there are people willing and able to help. Every one from family, friends, health professionals, counseling organisations and community organisations will given the chance offer support, advice, comfort and compassion to get you over this 'bump on the road of life' Although things might be bleak, painful, joyless and you might feel weary and devoid of hope situations in life are never static and as most of us know can change in the blink of an eye.

    18 yrs ago I was in an abusive marriage my husband constantly humiliated me by cheating with other women, kept me short of money, mentally and physically abused me and left me alone and isolated rearing 4 small children almost single handedly. When my youngest was 5 months old I attempted suicide my youngest daughter 9 yrs old at the time found me and saved my life by alerting neighbours who gave me first aid before ringing for an ambulance.

    I wont insult your intelligence by pretending life has been a bed of roses since then but am I happy I survived?? Hell yes!! Looking back I would have missed out on so many experiences some happy, some sad, some life inspiring and some a total learning experience which helped shape my character. I also would have missed the simple pleasures this world has to offer like watching the snow fall, feeling the sun, rain and wind on my face, watching my children grow, learn, make their own mistakes and pick themselves up and with my love and support move forward. I would also have missed the love my children and two grandchildren give me, their smiles and laughter and the joy, stress, mayhem and fun they bring to my life.

    Life is full of ups and downs, highs and lows, swings and round-a-bouts for those who are feeling like life is too much I urge you to hold on because things can and do change and if you exit life too early theres no comming back to find out just how much it might change for the better for you.

    God bless you stay strong & reach out for help

    Love Dixie xx

  • Perfect dixie.u av really helped me although i still feel helpless with what i feel.wish it would all just go away but i know thats never going to happen so just 'gotta get on with it'as my one sister would say. Hugs to u :) xxx

  • I guess the people who write in this forum might be a selective group - the ones who are getting on with a struggle but finding some happy moments are less likely to send their thoughts than those who are desperate. The ones who have other outlets to express their problems and get a sympathetic response are not so likely to write here. There is something about the internet that makes it impersonal so that people who find it hard to express their feelings can do so here as they are removed from real life and this is a virtual world.

    I know a lot of people with FM who cope even though their lives are very difficult - and some who joined our own local fibromyalgia group who have said that they did so because they were desperate and they think it saved their life. So I do think as well as Samaritans it is also good to meet with people who have the same problems, as it really helps to make you feel less alone.

    So join a fibromylgia support group. It is wonderful not to have to explain. To be able to say that you are having a bad day when you look a million dollars when you are with people who really understand that you really are having a bad day, rather than being with 'normal' people who just say that they think you look a lot better today and maybe you should take up a new project and then you would feel well again! I can't emphasise enough how great it is to be in a group of like-minded people, our Mendip group is very positive and we have some very positive and practical help through our speakers, and also we are a bit militant in terms of raising awareness with the medical profession and disability rights, including financial assistance. It doesn't feel like being with a group of moaners, even though we all do sometimes say to each other that we have a new distressing problem - either medical, financial, or with our medical team. Because we have a support group we can cope better, and because we have a moan to sympathetic friends we don't need to write our desperate stories here.

    Google Fibromyalgia Association UK and you will be able to find your nearest group.

  • Hi Jjudith

    Sadly not all our members are in a position to get out to a group due to mobility issues or other problems or there maynot be a group near them. They may even find meeting people or talking face to face too difficult.

    Sometimes people find it easier to write things down and share which is why the forum is good for them. The can express their hurt, their feelings, their fears and problems with others without the possible added stress of actually having to say what is wrong.

    Piggy xxx

  • Thank you so much Moffy for posting this, it is so helpful to read for all of us I am sure. We all get low periods, that's to be expected living with Fibromyalgia and other conditions, stresses and worries too.

    There is help and support out there and also in our forum here. We are always here for all our members and we care greatly about each and every one of you.

    We are always here to help and support in any way we possibly can. If there is information you are looking for, we will always do our best to find this out for you or at least point you in the right direction.

    If we think you perhaps would benefit from speaking to someone or seeking particular help we would try to suggest it.

    We can never replace the advice of medical professionals but we will always try to be there for you and to help you to the best of our ability.

    Life is precious however difficult it becomes, you are not alone.

    The Samaritans are always available to listen to you, it doesn't have to be in dire situations, they will listen to all your worries or anything at all that bothers you. Please contact them at any time, they are specially trained and always happy to listen to you.

    Here are their contact details again, for easy reference -

    Samaritans

    08457 90 90 90

    jo@samaritans.org

    samaritans.org

    We also have our private messaging system if you don't want to discuss your worries publicly in the forum. Admin are always happy to hear from you at any time and we will always get back to you as soon as we possibly can,

    If you click on my name, it will take you to my profile page and on the left you will see Send Me A Message, type in your message in complete confidence and I will reply as soon as I can. Nothing you say in private message will ever be discussed in the forum, so this is another way you could have a chat about your problems and worries.

    Please be assured how much we care, because we really do!

    Hugs to all (((((hugs))))) xxxx

    Libs

  • hi, yes i am too feeling like why the hell is it worth carring on, i have had letter from atos, telling me i have failed my medical i had in may, they wrote to me this jan, telling me as from aug last year i no longer gettin ,e,s,a, i firstly worried that my money has stopped and i now have nothin to live on, and secon have i to pay back the money as they say it stopped in aug, but my last payment was nov, i cant afford to pay it back, am now so worried, its makin me ill, plz help me, x

  • if they do ask for any money ring them and tell them you have no funds, maybe offer to pay back 50p a week or ask them to wait until you have had an appeal.

    Appeal using the benefit & work guides and ask on here for help.

    if you go on your local council site and type in Advocate for vulnerable adults, it should take you to a link for one.

    I had an advocate to help me when I lost my benefits, they act for you and it is confidential.

    regards,

    sandra.

  • hi sandra99b, i have tried to go on my local council, but i think i must be doing something wrong as i cant find info on getting an advocate. xx

  • Hello Sandy, I can understand how you feel, I am sure we all do. If you possibly can, try making an appointment to have a chat with your local CAB (Citizen's Advice Bureau), they are trained and used to this sort of situation and hopefully can give you a bit of guidance as to what steps to take and who to contact etc,

    Please let us know how you get on and please know that we are here for you and we will do everything we can to help and support you.

    (((hug))) xxx

    Libs

  • Hi sandycat

    Im sure you are going out of your mind with worry in regards to your financial situation, are you mobile if so please visit a citizens advice bureau if there is one in your town as the people there are trained to help you. Also get in touch with admin on the site as they will be able to give you some forms and advice in regards to appealing the decision to take away your ESA. In the meantime get in touch with your benefits office to see what other benefits you might be entitled to they can also help with short term budgeting loans. Is there any charities in your local area which can help with things like providing food parcels here in belfast we have the Salvation Army and St Vincent De Paul whom provide short term help and support for people in crisis.

    I am praying that you will get your benefits sorted quickly as we have enough to contend with managing our health condition without the added stress of financial issues. Plz take action and hopefully you will get a positive outcome

    Regards Dixie x

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