Just to make long story short. I have suffered from Endometroisis, I was lucky to have two beautiful children! Lucky because many women find it difficult getting pregnant with this illness. I experienced huge sadness while I was living with my abusive, unhelpful husband. In 2016 After I had my second child I decided to leave, I couldn’t bear the pain neither his poisonous words. 2019 I diagnosed with Endometroisis in the meantime I was going through court about child contact, I didn’t have any intentions to stop the contact with their father because I needed help. unfortunately this contact caused me more work and more stress every Friday I had to pack their clothes for the day or two then when they return their clothes are so dirty with poo or wee also kids are not safe because their dad leaves them in public places alone which used to cause me a lot of stress every time I fear that my children are not going to return I have nightmares and I don’t enjoy my weekend. I told social service many times but they get involved then they say we had spoke to him just send the children then straight away he come back to the same habits. Until one day in October he took the kids to play in a soft play he just paid for 2 hours got them in and he left. When two hours finished the staff couldn’t find him they phoned him but he never replied then they called the police. Now again we are going through court. My health is worsening I started having pain through all my body numbness, burning sensation hands and feet my body feels like broken into pieces, headache, losing my memory, feeling depressed. I had few blood test I have been to nerve induction but everything is fine . My GP saying it’s absolutely fibromyalgia I am just waiting for a diagnosis also they found from a MRI which I had last year that I have Adenomyosis.
I am losing my self and I am worried about my children they’re my only happiness.
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RobiRize
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Well done for getting out, that's best thing you could have done for you and your children. I have two young children and I would be in state if I knew their father was doing things like that.Sadly chronic pain conditions tend to trigger more chronic pain conditions, so for me every 5 years I seem to develope another one which shrinks my life more.
I was suicidal in my youth and in many ways my pain conditions dominated all my thoughts, my mental health has always been poor but ever since having children I've learnt to think of someone other than myself, which definitely helps. I used to have nervous breakdowns every few years and would loose a lot weight etc but having kids has stopped that cycle as I've managed to hold it together for them.
To do that on your own must be so hard. In my experience you can still have a life worth living with chronic pain but it will always come at a cost, as mental and physical pain take a toll.
My youngest daughter has Endometroisis, so I know how painful that is, so I know that is enough to contend with on its own. I left a domestic violence situation which sounds very similar to yours and I had a lot of trouble with my ex too. So then getting fibro as well is really hard to deal with. I can empathise with your situation on so many levels. I sometimes feel like I am in a hole that I cannot climb out of, I have to be by myself for a while to just hold it all together. Luckily my children are all adults now and my eldest daughter is very in tune with my moods. She knows when I am struggling and she comes to see me and she just sits at the side of me and waits until I am ready to talk or for a hug. She seems like the parent and I am the child at these times, but it helps me to feel whole again. I seem to have gone on a bit of a waffle here, I guess what I am trying to say is, no matter how hard life seems at times, it only takes a few good times to make it worthwhile carrying on.
my family are not here. so I am alone with two children, they are growing now but I can not still tell them about my struggles. Every morning waking up to get the kids ready for school it feels like hell, every day feels like a year I sometimes just feel like a prisoner counting days for their freedom but me I count without even knowing when I should Stop.
I really feel for you sweetie. My youngest daughter has Fibro, ME and Endometriosis, the pain and sickness was awful so I do understand some of what you are going through.. She has not long had a Laparoscopy and had it removed so hopefully will feel better soon. I was in a DV marriage for 30 years before I left so hats off too you for doing it sooner. I made my daughter have contact with her father, the boys were older and pleased themselves. I wish I hadn't as she didn't want to go and he never did anything with her but drill her about me. Just asking hun why are sending them to him for contact. Is he the one taking you to court. I do know that CSC don't help in private contact arrangements unless directed by the courts. You need to take pictures of their clothes and things for evidence if you ever need it.
You are doing great and your children will be fine as they have a mum who cares and shows that she loves them. Is there no one else that could take them off your hands now and then. It's so hard having this fibro as well as looking after two children on your own. Don't give up heart we are all here to support you and listen too you. Look after you. Sending gentle hugs in the hope you feel a little better soon. Xxx
Thank you Lillylilac. That’s what I said to my mother once having one thing it can destroy a person a bad health or a bad partner. Unfortunately I have both and they both been happening for years now. He went to court for contact in 2019 which ended up we made a consent order that I asked him in front of judge that he should be looking after the children and not to leave them alone and to give them their own beds. Since then none of the above happened, he made the kids sleep with him in his bed my kids where only 3 and 5 my son used to fell of the bed and injure him self also he used to leave them alone in public places. Then I started to beg him and ask him to look after the children but he was more satisfied to see me the way I was.
Social service wasn’t helping at all my Ex is a probation officer so I think they would believe him and not me. I had many break down I wished I never left and I gave up reporting anything to them. Until this year wihen he left them in a soft play he wasn’t there for the kids staff called the police and then reported to the social service.
I didn’t send the kids since then I was dreading scared from social service because they say that I breached the court order but ignoring that he was the one that he is breaching the court order. I stand my ground and still decide not to send the children. After few weeks he file for enforcement order in court but thanks got he never get it. The judge decided that he will see children in a supervised contact center. But we still having another hearing in June I am scared to death to go around a circle.
I am sorry you are going through this and suggest you should get some very good help and advice from a dv help line. Sadly dv causes serve health problems and also years later my now grown up daughter is suffering severe mental health problems due to what she had experienced. I wish I had handled things differently and removed myself completely from allowing any access. More is known about the effects this has on children I hope you can try the CAB or look up the helpline numbers to remove from the situation. Writing this is effecting me badly now. My daughter who is now in her 30 s is suffering mental health anguish from the dv of the past and the consequences of seeing her abusive father She is told she will always need medication to cope with OCD anxiety depression etc.
it’s very sad! I am very scared of that. That’s why sometimes I blame my self for not acting fast when I had the chance. I had things been thrown at me while I was breastfeeding I was in a position that I should have called the police because I nearly lost my child when he was just two months. My dad was a good man and I lost him when I was a child. I was thinking that I didn’t want my children to be feeling the way I felt that’s why I was always protecting him and hiding things until I realized that not all parent are good parent some do more harm than good. That was a big signal for me but I was blind I was always waiting for him to change. people never change! Now I am paying for my forgiveness to him.
You are taking actions now and that's all that matters. Don't let the past bring you regrets but focus on what you can do today for a better day and tomorrow. Take extra good care of yourself and your children will learn from that to heal from any negative memories too.
Sadly I can relate to what you have written. It is so good though that you have seen the light now and I do hope life for you will be much improved. I could say more but it is better for me not to do so as I get upset reliving the terrible situation. Please do take care , be strong and brave.
How are you getting on now ? I hope things are improving for you and the children. I hope you also managed to get very good support to help you with the horrendous situation. I still feel the effects many many years later.
thanks love. Life is tough but sometimes can not change things we just have to pray that god makes us strong. Social service took his side as usual they ignored police report, cctv and kids wishes they even made a recommendation that he can have 50/50 as he was asking. The judge didn’t agree he said that the contact should go back slowly and gradually to recent order which is alternate weekend. Judge made finding that dad leaves the kids for significant period more than my ex claims my ex had now an undertaking that if he leaves kids again he will imprisoned or lose his job.
I am so sorry that things are still not sorted correctly. Yes must pray to keep strong and that things will work out. Hopefully the warning he has had will make him behave better. I understand that a social worker can be changed if you are really unhappy with what is happening I have heard of several cases. The dept should be able to tell you the procedure for this. Take care. It is hard when health is suffering and more so in difficult , horrendous circumstances.
Hi sweetieUnfortunately that's what they do. They will do anything to get at you and it doesn't matter to them if the children get in the way or suffer. I'm glad the judge saw sense. Some don't, though they are getting better.
Obviously when you go back in June if they seem to be leaning towards him having unsupervised contact again make sure you put forward how has he changed and what safeguarding practises can be put in place to ensure your children don't suffer emotional harm and are kept safe. Always put your children at the forefront in court as that's what the judges want to hear. They are not really bothered about how it affects you but what it does to the children. Emotional, Social, Mental well being and feeling safe. Hope this makes sense.
Make sure you look after you. Try not to do too much. Hard I know with 2 young children. It will get better. They will very soon grow up and you are left wondering where the time went.
More and more people have fibromyalgia than I ever knew . GP’s are more aware of it . The pain is dibilitating. You will surely win the custody battle with your ex , no parent would leave their children .
Just write a list of everything you need to do and everything you’re feeling then mark it off as you go through it all.
It’s a very simple thing to do but it really helps . Just do one thing at a time . And add Ring/Talk to citizens advice they are simply brilliant and will help with any forms that you may need ie PIP , Disability , Blue Badge . Good luck and never give up . 😊
Thank you for your advice. I am going through a tough time sometimes I get stack on what shall I do. many people told me to apply for pip I applied for it but they have scored me 0 because I look after my children and because I drive. I want to appeal it but again I am worried about losing my children if I did. I really need help but I have to act as a normal person for my kids sake
Please be careful of social services. If they find out you`re in poor health they could end up taking your children from you. I`ve known people this has happened to. Do not tell social services about your health unless you have no other choice. The amount of horror stories I`ve heard about where decent parents with health problems have had children taken from them is frightening.
thank you for your advice I am worried about it to be honest that’s why I did not appeal the pip application. They are nightmare I do not like them involved in my life but my ex is careless and few referrals been made to them once through the school because my child disclosed to her teacher that her dad left her another time the police made referral bcz they found children alone.
I think you done right in not appealing the pip application. Also because several referrals have been made to social services already from the school and the police, you`re already on their radar and social services can act quickly. Its not unheard of for them to come at 7am to your house to take children away from their parents. Also some social workers can be two faced so they might say they`re not going to take your children away from you but then do so afterwards. If it were me, I would try and stop having the ex having contact with the children as he`s putting them in danger and social services won`t take kindly to him doing this. Be very careful what you say at all times to social services and don`t mention anything to do with your health not even a passing comment. Also don`t tell your GP, Consultant, Nurse etc etc if you`re struggling with your children as they could phone social services as well. Be careful who you trust. Teachers, Police officers, GP`s etc phone social services when there are safeguarding issues because it is protocol but also because they`re protecting their own careers and covering their backs as well because if anything does go wrong, they don`t want the blame. If you read websites like mumsnet, quora, reddit etc there are many posts detailing situations similar to your own and the stories are really shocking as to what social services get up to, not just in the UK but around the world.
I'm so sorry to hear what you've been through. Domestic violence can have profound effects on physical and mental health. It's incredibly brave of you to prioritize your well-being and your children's safety.
Regarding legal support, it might be beneficial to connect with professionals. Maybe Fischer & Van Thiel, PC, who specialize in family law and can provide knowledgeable guidance in Southern California? I found there a good estate planning lawyer in Oceanside ( divorcelawyersoceanside.com... ) when I needed it, but they can provide much more services.
Please take care of yourself amidst these difficult times. Your health and happiness are important, and I hope you find the support and solutions you need soon.
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