Sensitive or what?

Been a member of a local church for a few years but only manage to get there every three weeks or so. Used to help out with things but not well enough now. We have a fairly new minister who we haven't got to know that well but I'm sure I told him I have a chronic illness. Today he asked how I was and as he seemed interested said I wasn't doing too well at the moment. To my astonishment his reply was 'I like the saying that if you're not predicting your own death it's not as bad as you think.' My husband was furious. The church membership is dwindling by the year and it looks as though they will be losing two more.

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16 Replies

  • My goodness Panda what a very curious thing to have said to you . We certainly dont want people going around predicting their deaths. I suspect he was trying but not succeeding to help you. I am not surprised you feel like leaving I would like to say dont but that is up to you.

    I hope you are ok.


  • He comes out with some crass statements sometimes and makes generalisations about people and situations which I have never liked but the more I think about it the more bizarre it sounds!

  • Hi Panda

    This is one of the things I have found is that when people do not understand the pain and the malaise we feel ten they do make what they think are amusing remarks and I am never sure how to react to their ignorance, to turn them off totally or to educate them, by that I do not mean with a cricket bat but to tell them about chronic pain and CFS and to tell them that their remark was a problem as some days that is just what one is thinking and press home how bad his remark was.

    If you choose the former, cutting yourself off or going to another church can be a cutting the nose to spite your face but it may make another set of friends from another area so it may be positive.

    If you go for the second choice then see if you can get to see him on his own and take someone with you who knows how much of a struggle life is for you, explain how you feel and how much energy it takes to go to church. You never know it may make your new man a bit more careful of his choice of the words in the future.

    I know both are difficult choices but there is always a silver lining and no matter what decision you choose, it will be your choice, and you who can make these things happen.

    Wishing you good luck and kindest regards


  • Thanks Terry.

    I am not going to say anything to him because I really don't think it would make any difference. We have been thinking for a while about changing churches and this has decided us.

  • Hi panda60

    It really is a curious thing to say to you! I am so sorry that it has upset you as we all on the site understand, our illness is enough without unthoughtful comments. I sincerely hope that it has not made you feel worse.

    You take care my friend


  • Thanks Ken

    I was upset yesterday but am fine now.

    You take care too

  • Hi panda60, I'm really sorry to hear you got this response from your minister, it's awful when people belittle us and our pain in this way. It isn't fair of a minister who should be trained to accept that all our situations are affecting us personally and are relative and should be accepted that for us they are making our lives difficult and not shove done our throats that there are people who are worse off! I would probably write to this minister explaining your situation and how much he has hurt you by his reaction. If you don't get any response then maybe there's another church you could join? I like you due to my conditions only manage to attend occasionally these days and have been away from church for the last couple of months due to having surgery. I had hoped someone might have called to see how I am but we don't gave a minister at the moment and haven't had for the last 18 months but are due to get a new one next month. Our old vicar would have called me it been round to see me by now. Your ministers attitude stinks! I'm not surprised you don't feel like going back. Maybe try a letter.

    Take care


  • Thanks April

    Thought this guy seemed nice when he first came but have begun to realise that he is a bit of a 'jack the lad' who comes out with crass remarks which sometimes border on the offensive. The main reason we were considering leaving the church is the lack of pastoral care ( it is 3 yrs since our church elder visited us) so will start visiting others.

    Hope you are recovering from your surgery.

  • Hi pandas I'm totally in the curious line up, what a very odd thing to say to someone. Perhaps he couldn't think of anything intelligent to say and came out with that crass comment. I think I would be joining you and moving elsewhere if I I were in the same situation.

    Sending positive healing thoughts your way :-)

    Foggy x

  • It is very odd and the more so the longer I think,about it. There are a lot of other churches near us so will start going to try them out. Xx

  • Hi Panda

    I find this Minister amusing to say the least (NOT) maybe he is punting for customers sorry if you think this is flippant


  • Goodness knows! But he certainly needs to rethink what he says as he frequently comes out with remarks that he thinks are funny but are actually quite rude! x

  • Hi Panda I dont think he meant to be so offensive I suspect there is a different meaning to what he said so two ways of reading it. You read it the wrong way and now ave worked yourself up about it. Was that the end of the conversation did he then move away or did you have a reply?


  • I was very upset yesterday because I had dragged myself there and felt dreadful. My brain is too sluggish to think of quick replies anyhow he had moved onto the next person by then. Sadly I think he is just not a very nice man. The numbers in our congregation have been going down and with it the caring attitude towards others, so decided the time has come to look for another church.

    Am having a quiet day today but over yesterday. X

  • Hi again Panda, I wonder if you could maybe write to him or email and explain why you found his comment so unfair and give him chance to explain incase as gins said you've taken it the wrong way somehow. I know I often do take things the wrong way as I'm ultra sensitive. If you find he's negative again maybe you could talk to someone in your church council or committee and see if they can help support you. It's worth a try before you leave a church you know and have loved. Let us know how you get on. Take care


  • Silence is golden! This is my life long motto!

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