after having 3 failed FET’s and no embryos left me and my husband have decided enough is enough of this cruel IVF journey 💔😭 we’re in our 40’s and i have endometriosis/adeno for these resasons alone its time to close the chapter. My mental health has took a battering feeling so much self blame because of my endo/adeno. Lost my tubes so IvF was the only way.
Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with now facing a future without kids? 💔😭 im devastated and dont know how to navigate this next chapter.
thanks xx
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keepfaith1982
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sending so much love and wishes for healing as you take this step on your journey. It is so hard all of it and I commend you for looking after your mental health.
It’s easy to get sucked into fertility treatment being your whole world. It’s easy to forget that a rewarding life full of beautiful experiences and connections is possible without becoming a parent.
For now though, while you are deep in the grief of it all, I would suggest that you take things slowly and really look after yourself. Give yourself time and space to come to terms with it all while also making sure to make time for pleasures too - good food, time with friends, time in nature, a holiday if it’s possible.
Sending so much love to you, the grief of failed fertility treatment is immense
Thank you for your reply. We need to think of our mental state. Each time we had a failed transfer it has been heartbreaking and I can’t do that to myself anymore😣 been on the journey for over 3 years and it has overtaken me in so many ways.
Your totally right need to take a day at a time and try to enjoy the small things in life when we are able to. For now its a grieving process 😣.
IVF can be so brutal, and it’s completely understandable that you’re feeling this way right now. Please know that none of this is your fault. Endo and Adeno are cruel, and you’ve done everything you possibly could.
Facing a future that looks different from what you hoped for is incredibly hard, and there’s no right or wrong way to process it. Take things one day at a time, let yourself grieve, and be kind to yourself. Strength, resilience and positive thoughts your way. xx
IVF is brutal the journey is full of ups and downs mainly downs and its time to hang up my shoes even though I wish more than anything things could of been different . Its bad enough to have endo but having adeno too is just another further blow😢
That’s the saddest part facing a future to what is totally different to what your heart desired 💔
Have you heard of the journalist/writer Elizabeth Day? She’s been very open about her fertility struggles and coming to the decision to become childfree not by choice. I’d recommend searching her articles and podcasts, and also her Instagram. I hope, when you’re ready, her words can bring comfort and empowerment. Sending lots of love and wishing you the best x
Hi. You are so brave both of you to come to this decision, and I’m proud of you. Do have a look at our support pages on our website called Living Without Children, it will help. You’ve been through so much togethrt, that only you know. Counselling is available for both of you at bica.net I do hope you find the support you are looking for. Diane
Hi me amd my husband been on this journey for years and I just had 4th failed transfer. I do think there might be a future without children and how will we cope. Do you know what helps me. We only started trying when I was 31 and we have been together since I was 20 so we had 11 beautiful years when we didn't want children and we were so happy. So that helps me cope thinking there was a time without children that was truly happy and I need to get back to that mindset. Always had pets as I love to take care of someone which fills a part in my heart. We are also coming to the end of our fertility journeys as enough is enough and what I also think is I have given it all so there are no regrets. It's just not in a cards for us and I cannot change it. I have done everything I could.. Instead of focusing on the one thing we don't have I try and enjoy all the things we have. Loving partner great family and friends. You are so lucky to have one another and many couples split in infertility journey the feelings that I am not alone and I have a partner is great. I hope this helps a bit. Sending you lots of love. And remember cry when you feel like it I know I do and I have my weak days. But I also don't want to live my life as I sad person. I don't want everyday to be sad. We only have one life and it's up to you how you will live it. Do you want it to be filled with sadness or full of amazing memories that you can and will make.
Thank you for taking the time to reply. I’m sorry that you have also been on a long difficult journey 😣 why is IVF so cruel. 4 failed cycle is a lot to go through. I find im so happy and grateful to get to a transfer and then as that 2WW goes on it becomes torture 😢 you’re hoping for any type of symptom. I thought i was experiencing symptoms this time around more fool me.
Thats a good way of looking at it you was happy all those years before so you can actually be happy without children. i agree its getting back to that mindset. I just feel such sadness for me and my husband there be no mini us 😢 we have a dog he has been our saviour.
Deciding to end your journey is a very hard decision its so final but when you are so consumed by it and broken everything the transfer don't work it gets to a point where we had to just say enough is enough now. Like you say you did everything you possibly could, you tried that’s all you can do. I hope you find peace in time and enjoy the small things in life. Like you am lucky to have such a loving supportive husband. You’re so right we only have one life and somehow it has to go on
Wishing you all the best and sending so much love xx
You are so strong. The decision to stop is in some ways even harder than keeping going. There is so much beautiful and precious life to live with or without children . I found Jody Day's book "Living the life unexpected" incredibly helpful in envisioning a fulfilling life without children and she has an online community called Gateway Women which you might like to check out.Sending you so much love xx
Thank you 😣 maybe if i didnt have adeno i may feel differently but i just don't know how much it might be impacting things 😭 thanks for the book recommendation.
If our next few rounds don't work we might look into adoption, big decision to take on someone elses children BUT definitely an option/ alternative to no children.
Yeah, deffo. There's a few things that make us question it too, the biggie as well as no genetic connection is if they wanted to meet the bio parents down the line & if they're not good ppl you're stuck with them 😏 Let's pray the ivf works 🙏❤️ x
I have no advice but just to echo what other people have said. You are so brave taking this decision and deciding enough is enough. It’s okay to take all the time you need to grieve and process the last few years. I think many people believe that if a child is the end result of IVF then suddenly everything is okay. I don’t think they realise how traumatised, batttered and bruised you come out of this regardless of whether a child is the end result or not. I think my new goal in life is to preserve my sanity, to prioritise myself and my mental and physical health. You have done everything you can and please take time to honour what your body and mind has gone through. Your body is so strong and has done the best it can. Sending love and wishing you freedom and new beginnings in whatever way feels right. X
Thank you for your message. If only things could be different. I feel IVF is such a gamble if it works its like a lotto win. Your right its so traumatic full of some highs but many lows. You need to look after your mental well being and put your feelings first its a lot to endure.
Gosh I'm really sorry to read how you're feeling. Please try not to blame yourself. My husband was the one with the fertility issue and I know he felt a tremendous amount of guilt watching me go through treatments but, as I told him, I never seriously thought about having children before I met him. If it wasn't for him, I may not of found someone I wanted to have children with. It was only because of him that I was prepared to go through IVF. So please don't feel guilt (easier said than done, I know). I'm sure your husband feels similarly.
We did finally have success last year but one thing my fertility counsellor said when we were trying which stuck with me was 'happiness doesn't come from having children, it comes from within'. Which is true because I've met a lot of miserable people with children and a lot of extremely happy child-free people.
You're incredibly strong for moving on from IVF. It takes a lot of guts and grit to walk away from something that you've invested a lot into, and that's to be admired.
Thank you 😣 i just can’t help but think its the environment with my endo/adeno at the same time our embryos was never tested and only day 3 ones so im just left with all these questions.
Congrats on your success 😊 thats lovely to hear .Hope you're both enjoying parenthood. 😊 and it’s true happiness comes within there are many ppl that have children and unhappy and sometimes that also comes down to relationships. Im very fortunate to be in a loving marriage.
Appreciate your kind words it does take a lot of courage to walk away. I wish i didn’t have to but IVF has took all we have and i cant let it take anymore 😣 xx
I am so sorry to read this but it's also so great that you're listening to your gut and doing what it is telling you. It's so easy to lose that connection with ourselves.
Rarely do we live the life or future we imagine for ourselves -certainly I've not become the marine biologist my 9yr old self dreamed of! I don't say this to be flippant, but to sort of say, you've already answered the 'how do I live a different future' question many times over. I'm sure your partner, relationship, home etc is not exactly how you imagined, and yet it fits.
You have this.
What I think is hard, and we're facing a very similar decision at the moment, is finding what community looks like. I think it's so important to find women who have lived this story before, and who are living it now. We need those stories because they're not often told. I hope you can find those people.
My greatest source has actually been my work colleagues, weirdly. They're close enough to give a damn, and to have something (work) in common, but far enough away to be truly honest and not be in every detail of you life. Maybe yours are elsewhere -your family, gym, maybe even a group from your clinic... But they are there. They will also show you the how.
In addition to Elizabeth Days, I'd recommend The Pursuit of Motherhood by Jessica Hepburn. She gets it, and listening (I got it on audible) to here sounds like hearing words from your big sister.
Be so, so gentle with yourself and nurture yourself. If you like to read or cook, I recommend Laurie Colwin's A Write in the Kitchen and Happy All the Time (the latter is fiction and has a baby being born in it, but the book is so gentle and real and funny that I didn't find it triggering, but in case you do).
Cook yourself the good food, including cakes or dessert, drink the good wine and the good coffee too. Anything that feels nurturing, comforting or like home. Give up the denial of yourself that IVF so often leads to.
Also, I don't know if this is helpful, but going on long walks together has really helped my partner and me, We live in Central London, so it's not coastal or countryside or anything, but just that rhythm of movement, being beside each other but without much pressure, has led to some really good chats about 'Plan B'. I never regret a walk, especially when everything is overwhelming. Alone, or with a friend or partner, for me it is healing.
Also, think of something nice for yourself -a holiday, a treat, whatever. It's not a trade off -you get X instead of a baby, but just to listen to yourself for a want that isn't a baby is, I think, quite powerful.
You have this, I promise. I hope you can pour, pour, pour all that love you hold into yourself over the coming hours, days, weeks, months and years. You are precious and you are worth it. xx
Thanks for your message. I totally understand what you mean sometimes life doesn’t turn out how we hoped and dreamed whether this is financially, job related or in your partner. Sometimes family don't live up to expectations.
i think me and my husband need to find ourselves again and take day by day. I’m very broken i just hope time heals.
I wish you all the very best in your journey and everything works out well 🙏🏻 I also live in London maybe one day we could meet for a walk in central london? The journey is very lonely. Sometimes I feel its just my husband i can truly lean on.’No one ever understands unless they are going through it.
Exactly that. And you have survived those, so you will survive this too.
For me, fertility treatments mean so much denial -denial of foods, drinks, socialising, emotions etc. And I think after all that denial and shutting down, it's not really a surprise when we feel broken, hollowed out and that there's not much of us left.
That's why, although it might sound or feel silly, I think it's really important to start listening to those small wants again -which way do I want to walk home? What do I want to eat? Drink? Watch?
I really do feel that, when I've been at my lowest in life, listening to these small prompts from my gut help bring me back to myself, to being a person, not just a vessel for an unpleasant experience.
It does take time, though, and sometimes 4 steps forward 3 steps back.
I agree-it can be really lonely, and I think finding community is really key. I need to check out Gateway Women, I think!
I'm just coming out of immunosuppression after our last round, so a bit limited at the mo!
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