*Sensitive* Whether to have FET or not

[GranolaHippo]

After 3 years of TTC and totally unexplained pregnancy losses (we had all the tests, everything was normal, inc testing of the penultimate pregnancy) we underwent IVF in April.

We had a freeze all cycle as, based on history, we felt PGT-A was the right option for us.

This has left us with 2 euploid (chromosomally normal) embryos.

We're due to have an FET this month and my period is just starting.

However, over the last year we've felt less and less sure about having children at all, and are now wondering whether to go through with the transfer or not. I really do appreciate how privileged a position this is to be in, and I'm really not trying to trigger anyone.

I guess part of that is down to the heartache of potentially more losses, and probably some over-thinking, which you don't really have time for if you have a drunken sh*g and get knocked-up first time...

But I think also a lot of it is it feels like we've just got our life back this past few months and both now feel like there is a lot to lose if a pregnancy did work out. It's really hard to work out how much of this is linked to loss and all that trying to have a baby has taken so far and how much is linked to just the way we think and feel.

Of course, given our history and IVF stats in general, it's more likely to not work than work, but still...

My partner doesn't really adhere to the external timelines of cycles and clinic dates, and has had a really big freak out over the last couple of days, whilst I'm due to call the clinic today/tomorrow. So that's not helping with the sense of pressure!

Sadly, my age and his work (and my mental health, having this decision hanging over you is no small thing!) means delaying for a couple of months is not really an easy thing to do.

Has anyone experience similar? Are we total outliers? Any words of wisdom?

[DianeArnold Partner Nurse Fertility Network UK]

Hi. You have has a rough time trying to conceive so perhaps you do need that rest. Your embryos are stored safely and cannot age. Perhaps have your Fallopian tubes checked so they can be dealt with if blocked. You don’t want any excess lubrication in the tubes, leaking into the womb preventing implantation. Also,maybe a hysteroscopy to check the womb and biopsy the lining. Just my medical thoughts, I’m afraid, biting wish you well and will be thinking of you. Diane

[DianeArnold Partner Nurse Fertility Network UK in reply to DianeArnold]

Sorry. Forgot to mention fertility counselling. Have a look at bica.net ad they deal with emotions and relationships too. Diane

[GranolaHippo in reply to DianeArnold]

Thanks, Diane!

Medically, we're under the care of Prof Quenby for recurrent miscarriage and have had all associated tests (twice, as Prof Q is our second opinion) on NHS and almost all private ones that are relevant. I've also had a uterine biopsy. Everything is normal. not had tubes checked but all consultants -IVF, Obs, Gynae and recurrent loss don't think these are indicated for me as I've not had any of the associated infections, haven't had surgeries that could cause it and don't have endometriosis etc.

Thanks for the counselling link. We've been 'lucky' to have counselling because of recurrent loss, and this is helpful, of course, but can lead you to question everything overly! We're still getting this support and it has been useful.

I think my question is more about peers -anyone else who's felt like this too, or am I/we alone in it?!

It s a tough one.

[MiniCeeCee]

hey there, that’s really difficult and I can relate to the pressure of having a partner freaking out. I sometimes feel a bit of a disconnect when having to make big decisions, as we have to live it, and they have to watch it, so tough for both parties navigating it all. I don’t have any answers, but do feel like reaching out to a counsellor or coach and talking it through and out loud with someone experienced might help. It might help you seperate the pieces of the puzzle, and get to a clearer headspace. Good luck with whatever path you choose x

[GranolaHippo in reply to MiniCeeCee]

Thanks MiniCeeCee!

I think you're right about the disconnect -certainly as so much of the admin and organisation is on us, they don't necessarily work to the same external timelines! That said, there are many times I definitely would not want to have to be on the other side, so to speak, observing what is happening. I do sometimes think that is worse!

We've been 'lucky' to have counselling because of recurrent loss -9 was somehow the magic number for this. We're still getting this support and it has been useful. However, whilst it is helpful, it can also lead you to question everything overly -if you've looked at every decision from every angle, all positives and negatives, it's sometimes harder to come to a conclusion, I think. In a way, it was easier when we were on the fertility treadmill without a break or pause to think.

I think my question is more about peers -anyone else who's felt like this too, or am I/we alone in it?!

[MiniCeeCee in reply to GranolaHippo]

I hear you, I hope you get some responses from people who are in a similar boat.l and who might be able to share feeling and observations xxx

[Tnthketnf]

I went through times wondering this. It can happen when ttc takes such a long time and it is so difficult. At the time although I was finding difficult to stop it felt that I could eventually stop the treatments. They were stressful, disappointing, taking their toll in my mental health and physical health too but what kept me going was the thought about the future. Will in the future ever think I should have given it one more chance? I thought I wanted to fell that I did everything I could. And I carried on.I had counselling sessions and I also 'took a break' towards the last of my OE treatment. I had a gap of 8 months from retrieval to transfer for many reasons not chosen break but it gave me a chance to focus on other things and get some distance.

Not sure if it helps but what I am trying to say is that to a degree is normal to feel like stopping that there is more to life.

[GranolaHippo in reply to Tnthketnf]

Thanks, Tnthketnf!

Yes, I think this is exactly what I mean. The hardness of continuing (and then parenting! I've nannied and, whilst not the same, I have a fairly good idea of the relentlessness of it all) Vs the hardness of stopping and potentially regretting.

It's almost impossible to way up those unknowns and how you might feel in them, I think.

We've had a little break this year and, I think, that's what's made the decision harder in some ways. When you first start down this route, you think 'Life is good and I want to expand that life and love'. And then as things become difficult in whatever ways, you (or I, at least!) end up sacrificing so much of what was making life good (friends, socialising, coffee, wine, exercise etc) to try to create this new life. Without the desired end point, life feels quite sad and empty.

Having had a taste of our lives again, it feels like a lot more to give up -now knowing more what may lie ahead, if that makes sense. It's hard to still feel or known whether it is worth it.

thanks, it's really helpful to know it's not just me! There are now at least 3 of us that I know of! I really appreciate you sharing.

[Tamaa]

Hi. Sorry to know about your losses. I can only imagine how much impact that would have on your mental health and current uncertainty. I hope you have support to heal well.While I am not in the same position as you are, what I could advise is take your decision very carefully. If you really feel you have quite a little to lose then it's better to wait it out and take your decision later. Having a child is a full time responsibility and life changes completely. It's literally the rebirth for the mother herself. Best of luck 🤞

[GranolaHippo in reply to Tamaa]

Thanks, Tamaa!

Yes, I think having had 10 pregnancies that we viewed as babies and fought to keep, we're really aware of the responsibility and also have awareness of the changes it brings to your life. I don't think you can go through any amount of pregnancy without feeling that to some extent, although I of course appreciate it will only increase if/when a child is earthside.

The problem with waiting is the old 'age thing'. I'm almost 40, and would be by the time any baby is born. Not only dos that come with increased health risks in pregnancy, it also impacts parenting -how long we'll be around and healthy. Quite a few people in my family have had major health concerns in their 40s, so maybe I'm more sensitive to this.

I think, in a way, the issue is we're having to take the decision too carefully -I'm not sure it's helpful to have to weigh up whether to keep on trying so many times because each time the emotional and psychological cost increases that bit more.

[Spaghettihouse]

I would encourage to seek counselling or similar psychological help to sort through all those emotions and anxiety. It's normal to be worried about becoming a parent, no matter how they are conceived. Pregnancy and parenthood are massive life changes and while they may be filled with joy, almost always they are accompanied by worries and doubts and what ifs. Take your time with sorting through the emotions but rest assured that these feelings are likely very common and you'll figure out the decision that stands out the most for you.

[GranolaHippo in reply to Spaghettihouse]

Thanks, Spaghettihouse!

We've been 'lucky' to have counselling because of recurrent loss -9 was somehow the magic number for this. We're still getting this support and it has been useful. However, whilst it is helpful, it can also lead you to question everything overly -if you've looked at every decision from every angle, all positives and negatives, it's sometimes harder to come to a conclusion, I think.

We've been sorting them through with a counsellor for almost 11 months now and, as I guess is normal, what we feel fluctuates a lot. Sometimes you can see the joy, sometimes only the potential difficulties if we had a living child or the potential heartache if we don't. It's really hard to base a decision on, effectively, what outcome might hurt less, even when you're talking with someone. Ultimately, that decision still rests with you and it's a lot to try and make it.

I'm not entirely sure we'll ever fully unpack it, partly because I'm not sure it is knowable and partly because, whilst those decisions are being made, life changes and there are new factors to consider or reconsider.

Adulting isn't easy, is it?!

[Twins2022]

Hi. I have had all my 3 children in my 40’s. Having gone through failed IVF a few times I was coping quite well with the failures and then it hit me like a brick wall and I broke down during a doctors appointment, as it all became too much.

Despite having a Hycosy at the start of my journey (nothing wrong found with my tubes), during a routine scan on one of my IVF attempts they found that I had a hydrosalpinx in one of my tubes (where water comes and goes in that tube), so even if I had the best womb lining, the best graded embryo there is potential that it would never had ‘taken’ if that liquid could spill out into my womb and destroy my perfect little embryo. I was advised I could have my tube tied on the NHS hence why I visited the Drs and broke down.

This was a warning sign to me that I needed a break. A break from IVF groups, a break from treatments, injections, false hope, emotional turmoil, I just had enough of it all! & a break I had, no more watching my diet, I went back to enjoying a glass of wine which I missed. So my partner and I had a great couple of months from Nov - Jan just putting everything about IVF to the back of our minds & what a great Christmas we had!

So after all the expense over the years we only ever got 3 embryos. I do totally get what you mean you think of age and the impact that can have. But for me personally I just didn’t want to ever say to myself ‘what if’. It would have internally destroyed me. We got to a point where emotionally and financially we couldn’t have gone on for much longer and were looking at adoption avenues.

After our ‘IVF’ break we decided to defrost my younger eggs, fertilised with donor sperm (ICSI), and had 3 embryo, one fresh transfer and the other 2 frozen. I now have a 6 year old and almost 2 year old twins. My partner was unsure about doing a FET with them due to our age and the costs of everything. But we invested so much time, effort, money and love into those embryos that I know in my heart I would have regretted it.

I didn’t really hold out much hope as the embryos weren’t the greatest grading so for me I thought ah well at least we have tried and I’d never go through the rest of my life wondering, so to see two heart beats on the early viability scan was certainly a moment to remember.

Dont get me wrong though it’s hard work, and even family have said I’m crazy having a family later in life. But it’s how you look after yourself and we are in a better position to provide for them.

It takes courage to end a fertility journey. But with any embryos you have would you consider donating them?

I wish you well whatever you decide x

[GranolaHippo]

Glad to hear you feel you made the right choices and got the outcome you wanted. Obviously it's a person-by-person thing l, but Ithink you're right about sometimes being more able to provide a base for children -be that emotional, financial or relational. I think that is part of the narrative that is lost when people talk about 'older' parents and mothers, especially. It's not all downsides.

I think, in a way, the break for us has made it harder -we've remember what we've been missing!!

Bit of a left field question about donation of embryos, but no, we wouldn't. Firstly, for the practical reason that I didn't undergo the testing that would mean they'd be able to be carried by a surrogate under HFEA regs, and secondly because it doesn't feel right for us. That's not why we went into the process nor do we feel we have 'leftovers' after completing our family. So for these and many other reasons, we wouldn't be donating.