hope and positivity

[Gemen]

Hello ladies, I am new to the chat and new to posting in general, never posted anything in my life, but I found reading this chat really helpful, so I thought to ask for some help..I am 37 and we have been trying to conceive for 2 years. My AHM level is very low, 0.4, one fallopian tube is blocked and my partner has low motility and abnormal sperm morphology (motility got much better with Proxeed), not a great combination. We have been trough the first round of IVF and we managed to get 5 eggs collected and 3 embryos up to day 5 (2x4AB and 1x4BB), which was a huge success for us. First transfer didn’t go well and now I feel we are back to square one. The doctor thinks the reason was the embryo itself as it doesn’t believe there is anything wrong with me, and that this doesn’t mean that the next transfer will be unsuccessful as well. We are planning to do the next frozen embryo in a couple of months and sill trying naturally in the meantime, but today I got my cycle, and every time it feels like such a huge failure. I read so many posts of situation far worse than ours and still so hopeful, and I admire this so much and wonder how do you cope with this… Sometimes I would just like to cry the whole day and I keep wonder why it has to be so hard for some people and so easy for others. Sounds like a cliché, but everybody around me is getting pregnant within seconds, and I am finding so hard to keep up with the positivity…Apologies for the long message and thanks so much

[MrsOrangejuice]

Welcome! This is a really supportive and informative forum so I hope it helps you. I know it's hard right now but you're in what I found to be the acute bit of IVF - after years of infertility and disappointments, finally getting to treatment and the stress of it all, pinning all your hopes on the first transfer and feeling like it has to work because you've been through so much and tried so hard. And then it doesn't. And it's such a blow and it's like being winded. You'll feel exhausted and bereft and the idea of going through anymore treatment and the stress and the phyisical impacts and the cost... and now you know you're not going to be one of the lucky ones where it works first time which was a secret wish and the little voice starts to go to the opposite extreme and say not only that but it's never going to happen and what's the point and you should just accept you'll be alone and unhappy and and... So I've been there 😀 This is the massive comedown bit. Cry, it's natural and makes you feel better. Let the hormones leave your system and the acute disappointment will go a bit duller. Then look at your situation with a clearer mind: you got five eggs - that's excellent (ignore the internet and egg banking ads as that's a good number even with a much higher AMH), more than half to blast - really excellent as the drop off is usually pretty high, you got three good quality blasts - perfect and probably realistic for most couples (again, ignore the internet), your partner's motility improved - that's great as sometimes there's literally nothing that can be done or even nothing there at all (some friends of mine have that), and you've got two more chances just from the one round and they are going to be FETs which have a higher success rate and are much easier on your body. Or you could bank those as they're made and don't age and go again knowing you have those as a safety net. 37 isn't old for IVF and you have time. You don't need to be positive, just breathe. Regroup. Ask questions and dive in headfirst to whatever you do next (even if that's stop or pause treatment btw - that's incredibly strong too). This forum is full of miracles after unimaginable heartache and there's no reason you can't have your happiness, it just may take some more time and set backs. You're stronger than you think and when you come out the other side of this awfulness that future self will look back at where you are now and be so proud.

[MiniCeeCee in reply to MrsOrangejuice]

Lovely reply, and totally true!

[Gemen in reply to MrsOrangejuice]

I can't thank you enough for your response.

It is so hard to explain the feeling we are going trough now and I feel half of time this doesn't get understood at all...."You don't need to positive, just breathe" is something that I will try to remind myself as much as I can, it is incredible helpful to know that there are people that understand this feeling. I was thinking to take some time off to sort of recharge the batteries and the more I think about it, the more I think it would be the best decision at the moment.

Thank you so much ❤️❤️

[Letis in reply to MrsOrangejuice]

You summed up everything perfectly! ❤️