Mental Health TTC

[LanaLoo742]

Hi! I’m new to the forum. I’m still not sure if this is the right place for me, as I am relatively new to all this. But maybe there’s someone out there who feels what I’m feeling and understands.

I’m coming up to 34 years old, married my lovely Husband last year. I’ve been on BC since I was 15, and it’s only since I came off the mini pill in January have I had a “natural” cycle. I’ve learned a lot in the last 7 months, and had no idea how complex and difficult TTC would be.

I seem to have a short luteal phase, around 9 days consistently. Other than that, I think everything is ‘normal’ - cycles range between 26-28 days long, get a peak LH around the same time each month and periods arrive when predicted. But I’m still not pregnant.

I fully understand it can take up to a year, and how irrational I’m being, but I am not handling this well at all. I’ve become obsessed with it, I’m sad all the time, I’m angry and frustrated and anxious. I don’t really know who I am anymore. I’ve spent money I don’t really have on private blood work ups (pending) because the NHS are not interested whatsoever until I’ve been trying for a year. But I just can’t wait that long.

I know what a lovely life I have, and I know so many other lovely couples have it a lot worse than me. I just don’t know how to not feel this way. I honestly wish I hadn’t started this, and wish I didn’t want children. I don’t know if I’m strong enough for this.

[Millbanks]

Oh honey you have come to the right place.

I would say that most of us on here started out in your position. I know me and my husband tried for over a year before going down any testing routes.

I also have a short luteal phase (after doing BBTC) but addressing this didn't help us as it turned out that both my fallopian tubes were blocked and IVF was the only route for us. It was long and complicated but we got there in the end.

Of course this is just me, and there is no reason to think this will be you too - but what I will say is that you are stronger than you think. When we were told we would have to go via IVF I was absolutely gutted - partially because I felt like a failure, but also because I was petrified of needles and medical procedures, and I knew I would be the one going through all of that.

But with each step you get stronger and stronger, you accept how things are and you push forwards. There will be moments you want to walk away from it all, but you'll keep going because your want to have a baby really keeps you going. And if you do walk away, that takes strength too, and its ok to realise that.

There is so much support on this forum - you've found a gold mine of information - so just ask anything you need to know and someone will have experienced it. Remember you are not alone.

Sending love xx

[XOXO13 in reply to Millbanks]

I second all of this 🤍

[PenguinBlue in reply to Millbanks]

I was coming to say the exact same thing! You’re not alone and this journey will show you just how strong you are 💪🏽

[LanaLoo742 in reply to Millbanks]

Thank you very much for your words of encouragement ❤️ really kind. I’m in absolute bits today, poor husband just came in from work and I completely lost it. I’ve completely lost my sparkle and don’t know how to get it back. I’ll hang around here, seems like a great place to be 💕

Edit to add: the luteal phase thing is honestly what is causing me most concern. I just can’t seem to get any answers on if it’s an issue or not, drives me insane!

[Millbanks in reply to LanaLoo742]

To be honest once we actually started IVF it felt like a bit of a relief because we finally had some control over something.

And your sparkle you will get back 🩷 xx

[LanaLoo742 in reply to Millbanks]

I can imagine that being me too, if that is what the future holds. I’m not good at having anything out of my control 😅 xoxo

[HollyT7]

this is just the beginning of a very dark rabbit hole ! You will be extremely surprised at how strong you are and will become if you do have to go through the process of iui, ivf and the like. It’s indescribable of how hard it is sometimes, the not knowing, wanting everything now, the delays, the unexpected and the anxiety that it brings. BUT… this forum will help you every step of the way, listen, give advice, hope and belief when you need it the most.

Start taking the vitamins you need, get your diet in order, research about the processes so your all clued up if your still in the same position in a few months time. I know it seems like the 12 month mark is ages away but you can still start doing this to prepare your bodies right now. You could even attend some open events at local clinics to get a feel for them. In my local area hospitals only offer iui so we had to pick a private clinic do do our ivf cycle at. Worth checking out the process for your local area.

I certainly didn’t come here to p*** on your strawberries, just to give you the truth about what lays ahead and know that you can get through whatever is thrown at you and even on your darker days, we are all here for you !!!

[LanaLoo742 in reply to HollyT7]

Thank you ❤️ appreciate you keeping it real. I’m probably not in the right frame of mind to absorb it today, but I will be!

[CyclingAddict]

It sounds like you've landed on the right forum to me! Please don't beat yourself up over it. I was just wondering if your husband has had any tests done? We struggled to get pregnant, and I put a lot of stress on myself. I convinced my husband to get some tests done and we found out he has a very low sperm count. I think as women we put a lot of pressure on ourselves and are perhaps more proactive when it comes to getting tests done but, for couples struggling to conceive, male factor infertility is the reason 50% of the time. You're still early in your journey but, if you're worried, it may be worth getting your husband's sperm checked. If the results come back OK, then at least you can rule that out. Good luck! X

[LanaLoo742 in reply to CyclingAddict]

Thank you for your reply ❤️ He has done a home sperm test, and that came back okay. But we have discussed him doing a thorough check at a clinic, as I know those tests aren’t all that accurate and can’t diagnose more complex issues. He is up for it!

[LittleL3]

I have a friend who took a year to conceive her first and only a couple months with her 2nd so could be just around the corner for you. However I understand how all consuming it can become so it could be worth just getting a couples fertility MOT for AMH, ultrasound, sperm analysis at a private clinic for peace of mind. I think you can get this for around £400-500. Then if there were any basic issues you could pick this up early and save yourself months of agonising and worrying. My sister did this simply as she was 35 when started trying and was worried about wasting time so felt it was better to find out what she could straight away rather than endless wainting on NHS tests. Everything was fine so you could say she wasted the money but I think the peace of mind was probably worth it in her case.

[LanaLoo742 in reply to LittleL3]

Thank you ❤️ I panic booked some blood work privately, for next week. I could do without the cost of it but as you said, peace of mind and all that. So I think I’ll do that, and go from there depending on the results.

[Gentleblue]

hello and very warm welcome! I found this forum is so so helpful because we all going through similar things and there an understanding how it can be mentally, physically challenging.

I wish I have started earlier, but I did as my gynaecologist said just try naturally for a year. If I knew what I know now I would have started with blood checks much earlier and ultrasound scanning to see if follicle actually grows. It is what it is, will try everything possible now.

Xx

[LanaLoo742 in reply to Gentleblue]

Thank you ❤️ that makes me feel understood. I think I’m doing the right thing with paying for bloods. My husband, although very patient and understanding, thinks I’m catastrophizing slightly. And perhaps I am, but that doesn’t change how I feel 🤷🏼‍♀️ he is a good egg, he doesn’t begrudge me spending the money.

[Aquaharmony]

Welcome! I wish I had found this community earlier as I started having concerns around the age of 36 but my partner was very relaxed about the whole thing. In hindsight he also wishes he had taken my concerns more seriously earlier but it is what it is. I only say this to emphasise how important it is to follow your own gut and do what you think is right. You will find tons of support and information on here and it is important to get the balance right and try to keep some perspective, but I wish I had started more actively looking into everything much earlier and I hope that the fact that you are makes your journey just a bit easier. Wishing you all the best whatever your TTC journey may bring 💜✨x

[LanaLoo742 in reply to Aquaharmony]

Thank you so so much for taking the time to reply. You’re right, finding that balance is incredibly hard between being proactive but not driving yourself to illness. I’m very much wobbling on that line currently! I’m awaiting the results of the blood tests now. I’m already thinking I should have waited to do the PDG one in my luteal phase 🫠 not sure I can justify another £60 for one test tbh.