I had an epiphany

[SquishyBean]

For context, I'm about to have my first frozen transfer next week, and in the lead up to it I've been really struggling emotionally, and started to use an old and unhelpful coping strategy (anorexia). I wrote this today about an epiphany I had yesterday, and thought it might help some people who are also struggling:

I didn't know how to engage with what was about to happen without feeling hope. But hope is dangerous. It's powerful and desperate, and if you submit to it, you leave yourself incredibly vulnerable. The struggle of hoping and trying not to hope is uncomfortable, but felt unavoidable. That's where anorexia came in. Anorexia is a distraction. It fills your brain up and makes itself the problem. A familiar and predictable problem to me, and one with the illusion of control and agency. When engaged with anorexia I wasn't engaged with what was about to happen and that felt safer. In a bid to stay well, I tried instead to focus on each day as it came and not look too far ahead, and that did help me manage, but it wasn't ideal. It felt like a balancing act, which was difficult to maintain and over time felt exhausting. Sometimes I'd lose my balance and the emotions would feel overwhelming, or else I'd slip with food and find myself eating less than I should.

Then I had an epiphany. And now I have a way to engage with what's about to happen without engaging with hope. Instead, I've chosen to feel curious. Curiosity isn't especially powerful or desperate. It's not vulnerable. It's playful, fun, and interested in but unattached to the outcome. It's even... excited? Excited by either outcome. Excited to be able to have this experience. It's given me back a sense of agency, because I'm no longer passively going through this thing, subject to the cruel whims of fate. Instead it feels like I'm going on an exciting adventure and don't know where it will lead me. Like I'm a scientist conducting an experiment and eagerly awaiting the outcome. Curiosity feels like breathing freely, where hope felt like intermittently drowning and treading water. Curiosity gives me the power, where hope took it away. It feels like such a relief.

[minny_223]

Thank you for sharing, you are so wise. And it is your wisdom that will support you on your journey 🩷

Wishing you the very best for your transfer xx

[DB_1]

I love this approach. Thanks for sharing and wishing you the best of luck for your transfer!

[orangecatmum]

I really like this! I have my first FET in a couple of weeks and I've gone the other way - feeling negative and expecting it to fail, and if I ever feel a shred of hope I shoot it down like 'don't be so silly and vulnerable!'

But curious is a great mindset to have and I am curious too, and framing it this way is definitely helpful.

Really sorry you've struggled lately with anorexia - I really hope you've been able to pull yourself out of it. The lack of control is absolutely maddening to me, I am too type A for this and have nearly lost my mind trying to control different aspects, and failing.

But curious with a bit of hope and a dash of expecting it to fail feels far more palatable. Really hope it works out for you! X

[SquishyBean in reply to orangecatmum]

Thank you, and best of luck for your transfer in a few weeks! I'm glad this mindset shift resonates! Strangely the anorexic thoughts have almost completely disappeared since I've started framing things this way, which I suppose is because they have no function any more. They're not protecting me from the struggle of hoping or not hoping because curiosity is doing that instead!

[orangecatmum in reply to SquishyBean]

That's fab news, I am so glad! This whole process really kicks you in the stomach so having extra demons to battle on top of it all is exhausting. We got this!

[Livinginoz]

Thank you for sharing this - such a refreshing way to look at the situation!

I’m having my second transfer/first FET next week too, good luck! 🍀