Too old at nearly 45?

[LaraCRGH]

I went through 6 rounds of IVF between age 41 and 43 using the sperm of a known donor. I'm now in a relationship with a female partner, and my partner (aged nearly 41) is about to start IVF with an unknown donor, and I will be the co-parent. Despite being wholly committed and supportive of my partner's process and the fact that any success will be our baby, not hers alone, I still have niggles about the fact I don't know if I might have succeeded trying with an unknown donor. Some people say switching the donor makes a difference; also some say using much younger donor sperm can repair older eggs and lead to success. My known donor was a friend who had smoked for 25 years and was around 40 himself.

My question is should I start IVF again, even just for one more round, using an unknown donor, at age 45 (turning 45 in August)? Or should I just accept that it wasn't my destiny to have a biological child, and instead throw myself fully and solely behind my partner's journey and become the best co-parent I possibly can be?

Extra details: in 6 rounds I created only one blastocyst and had a failed transfer. Feedback from the clinic was that because my embryos generally degenerated at early stages ie up to Day 3, that indicated that it was egg quality that was the most likely reason for no success, not the sperm. I got the sperm tested and found it was mediocre, generally okish, but not brilliant quality.

[Poop84]

It's your choice but maybe 6 rounds is enough and you can focus on your partners and your cycle. Or use her egg and implant in you?

You have options I'm at the same clinic btw x

[LaraCRGH in reply to Poop84]

Thank you for your quick response. I've realised we messaged each other just over a year ago when I was trying to decide whether to do anymore IVF... x

[nat55zt]

I would do it one more time. Otherwise you might be left with a feeling that you didn’t do everything in your power to have a biological child. But I would do it with another clinic, known for success with older patients, and a young and healthy sperm donor. I also don’t think that your wish to have biological child means that you are not supportive of your partner and her process. Wish for a biological child is natural and should be respected. It does not happen for everyone but I think it is easier to accept, knowing that you did everything. Good luck!

[LaraCRGH in reply to nat55zt]

Thank you - do you know which clinics specialise on older patients by any chance please? X

[nat55zt in reply to LaraCRGH]

I am no expert on clinics. However I did hear about Center for Human Reproduction in NY being successful in “lost cases”. And I think that in the Czech Republic all clinics must provide information on the numbers of patients who undergo IVF over 40 to state regulators so numbers are not a secret. I would make a list of clinics and send them an email with questions specific to your case. Some have online consultations. And after a lot of research and talking to them I would choose one.

[Doodlebug23]

It’s better to regret things you have done than regret things you haven’t and live with the what ifs. That’s my take on life. And you sound like you aren’t really at peace with giving up just yet. And what if (sorry if this is insensitive) you split with your GF or it doesn’t happen for her either?

I’m 48 and a SMBC and now 9 weeks pregnancy after double donor IVF. I am a little concerned on peoples opinions on my age, but it’s my life and this baby is long awaited and will be loved beyond measure so screw then all!! Do what’s right for you! 💪🏻

[Poop84]

I think if you'll regret anything in the future then do it x

[Spicycurry]

It’s a lot to focus on. Morphology can impact sperm quality. You have to think to yourself would you regret it if you didn’t also try yourself. A younger donor might be better. Morphology should be over 4%.

[neonpg]

No wise words but just to echo what everyone else says that you've got nothing to lose by giving it one more shot. The sperm banks do really thorough pre-screening of their donors and typically the men who donate are in their early 20s so should have decent swimmers. So while there are no guarantees it might be a higher chance of success than an older known donor. Good luck!

[Football61]

Hi. I’m definitely an adherent of the philosophy that you should look back with no regrets. I undertook two IVF cycles with my own eggs last year, when I was 44 - with a relatively young-ish sperm donor. Unfortunately, I didn’t have a happy ending. Although I have a high AMH for my age and was still producing lots of eggs, they were really poor quality. Like you, I had a huge drop-off by Day 3 and only produced a small number of blastocysts (which were all chromosomally abnormal when sent for PGTA testing). However, I do think that you need to go into this with your eyes wide open. At our age, I think our chances of success are only around 4 or 5%. Yes, using a younger sperm donor might help - but I would have a very serious conversation with an embryologist about whether that can overcome poor egg quality/the struggle to make blasts. Wishing you the very best of luck with whichever path you choose ❤️

[HalifaxCalifornia]

Hi Lara, not sure if this will help…In 2020 I got pregnant on my own at 42, and had a miscarriage. My husband and I decided visit the local IVF clinic. We had some tests done, and my levels were good. After one round of IVF. Our doctor harvested five eggs and zero fertilized to day 5 embryos . We were then told, I was too old as I would be turning 43,’. My husband and I for our own personal reasons did not want to use donor eggs. And my doctor told me that I would never have a baby or be a mom without them. My Dr kept repeating “you eggs are old you will never be a mother unless you used a younger woman’s eggs.” She told my husband we were completely futile….Lots of tears.

Fast forward Two years, and my husband and I moved to Portland in the US. My job had good healthcare, so we tried IVF again. My new doctor did tests on me, she informed me that if I had come to her at 42-43, I would’ve had babies by now. And now that I was 44 there was only about a 5 to 10% chance of it working. So I started one IVF cycle, found out I was pregnant after the first implantation. I have a frozen embryo in the cooler. And the most beautiful Little cherub of a baby boy. He is now 8 months old and the light of my life. FYI I use my own eggs, and found out I was pregnant right before my 45th birthday. I wish you the best of luck. Also , from birth to 19yoa my father chain smoked while I was growing up.. god knows what that did to my lungs . My husband was 2 years younger, never smoked and from 27 never drank, I stopped drinking alcohol at around 30 and for our diet, we eat ( as much as possible) only organic food- heavy beans/vegetables almost vegan. No meat , no milk. Occasionally some eggs and cheese..sending you good vibes❤️

[Zassa]

I was thinking maybe you could do ROPA (I think it's called that). Some clinics have that where both female partners go through IVF at the same time, sounds amazing if you do both get pregnant at the same time. After trying this maybe it would be easier to let go afterwards.