end of my journey

[Sper]

hi all, I’m here writing this post with mixed feelings. Today is 7dp5dt and I’ve tested negative. We decided that this is our last try as the past stimulation has been mentally challenging and the results were not great (I’m turning 40 this year, most likely age related!). We started our journey 8 years ago, after many many emotional struggles, 2 stimulations and 4 transfers, we were lucky to welcome our little girl almost 3 years ago. It’s now 1.5. years that we are trying to give her a sibling; I had a traumatic missed miscarriage last summer at almost 10 weeks and I lost count of the many transfers we did to get there and after that. I went to therapy because I was scared I could not cope with it, as the pain was unbearable. However, I realized how strong I am and how the trauma of the infertility was, in some ways, even more strong than the loss I experienced (it sounds weird but my therapist said I’m still coping with my infertility trauma/loneliness/shame). When we tried again after the miscarriage, part of me wanted to get pregnant and part of me was hoping not as I did not want to “replace” the baby I lost and I did not want to experience another loss. I was doubting to try with another stimulation but we decided to have another go, as we did not want any regrets. As I said, the stimulation was not very successful, we only got 2 eggs, both became embryos but both transfers were BFN. Now I think we are ready to let it go. I feel sad that my daughter won’t have a sibling to share life with, but I know I did what I could do and I cannot blame my self for anything. I also feel a bit of relief to take back my life and to stop thinking about ovulation, hospital appointments, planning life in any details… I feel somehow free!! I’ve been not very active on this forum but I found in your posts a lot of comfort and inspiration, so I want to thank you all for this. I hope you all get to an happy end of your journey, in one way or another! Lots of love❤️

[Mellia]

Your post resonated with me as I also have been trying unsuccessfully to give my son a sibling and after miscarriages and several IVF failures have determined it's the end of the road as well. And yes I feel free in the sense that I'm no longer tied down and planning my life around clinic appointments, but it's so hard to let go of the dream of being a mom one more time. My brain can be rational and I know I did all I could possibly do, but my heart aches for the child I couldn't have. I think after being a mom I know exactly what I'm missing. I'm trying to get an appointment with a therapist to process everything, and I'm trying to remind myself of the positives in my life. Hoping to get a sense of peace after 4 years of trying for another baby. Trying to focus my energy on my little boy (so grateful for him! ) and on the relationship with my husband. Wishing you and your family also much happiness and peace. .

[MrsOrangejuice]

Thank you for your honest and heart-rending post. I know the conflict of the guilt being away from your child, family and life, vs drive to have another and give that gift to your existing child. I was surprised that the drive to have another was somehow stronger after one and it was like I was letting down another person (not just my partner and myself) each time it didn't work. The losses and BFNs are traumatic and emergency surgery is frightening and makes you reasses what you're doing and the risks. I hope you will find an immense relief in your decision and can commit your whole self to your family, and rediscovering yourself and happiness.