Donor eggs - abroad and UK, struggling to decide

[Skittles11]

Hi - me again, with another question re donor eggs, sorry if I am repetitive. Still here stuck with deciding on where to go for donor eggs. Have consulted with a few clinics both in UK and abroad and feel they all have good things to offer but none particularly grabbed me more than another.

I am particularly struggling with location in light of abroad or UK and that one does anonymous whilst the other is ID release at 18. I've got worries about both options and it's crippling me in not allowing me to make a decision. I feel I am a complex case too.

Did anyone else struggle with this?

I'm wondering if anyone would be willing to share their decision making process on this dilemma. I realise we all have personal views and experiences. Would welcome responses here or by DM if anyone prefers x x thank you

[Tnthketnf]

I have replied before about my decision which was basically down to being the easiest choice. To this contributed: knowing the clinic from own egg treatment, they had my husband's sample and I am also familiar with the steps of having treatment abroad at the particular location. I still have my doubts but I accepted that there won't be a perfect choice. There are some what ifs that i am still learning to live with.

If you don't mind me asking, what are the specific worries you mention making it difficult to reach a decision?

[Skittles11 in reply to Tnthketnf]

Thank you for replying. I know I'm a broken record with this. Just feel like I don't have a strong sense of what to do at all. Worries about UK treatment - expense, using frozen eggs which will be more likely in UK due to waiting lists, ID release (I guess I'm worried about the future with ID release) my own clinic doesn't do donor eggs otherwise we would probably have just stayed there and it would have made everything much simpler in my mind I think .

Worries about abroad treatment - the unknown factor (all my treatments have been in UK), logistics, the fact I've had complex situations in the past - will a clinic abroad be able to support me when I'm not based there, anonymity of donor - concerned about the impact of this in the future

I think probably everyone has their worries with these kind of things, I probably just need to go with one and once commited I'll be on my way.

[Tnthketnf in reply to Skittles11]

It is a very hard decision, no doubt about it.The logistics of treatment abroad, once you get your head around it, will not seem such a big issue. If you go first for preliminary tests etc then you will know what to expect for the transfer.

The anonymity is an issue that I couldn't just ignore because I believe it is best for a child to be able to know in aduhood but my counsellor helped me process it and come to terms with my reasons of this choice. there are implications for the child in the future and I am willing to keep trying to limit these, if I am lucky to have a child.

I understand your worries about being a complex case. I don't have the issues you’ve had but I don't think I am a straight forward case either and I wanted this considered in what was suggested to me.

I hope you soon find the answers you are looking for.

All the best !xx

[minnesota_girl]

I went for ease, ability to find a donor quicky, age of donors and therefore higher success rates. All this led me to Spain and their donor programme xI know it's such a hard choice. At the end of the day I forgot everything else and focused on what I thought gave me the best chance of success in being a mother as fast as possible after my years of trying x

[Doodlebug23 in reply to minnesota_girl]

Same reasons as me! Plus I am happier with the anonymity of the donors. Sending you 👶🏼 ✨

[Apple_lover]

Hi. I think it's completely normal to have anxieties and be unsure when it comes to decision making, especially when there are lots of options available.

I've learnt that the process takes longer than expected, whatever you decide. Time is a factor in the journey and once you make a decision and proceed, I'm sure that will be a weight off your mind and some worries will disappear.

Part of our decision making was based on donor waiting list length, familiarity with clinic already and then location (near enough for scans/ bloods/ attending appointments).

I also did some research looking at HFEA website which provided really helpful information about clinics and some general guidance too.

Hope this helps and wish you all the best whatever route you decide upon.

[Hidden]

Hi Skittles,

We didn’t have a choice as we were NHS funded. I think if I’d had more of a choice my worries might have lead me to choose abroad in Greece. At the time I remember very much wanting a donor who had my mixed heritage. I’m British/Mediterranean and I was hooked on this idea that even if I wasn’t genetically related to my kids at least I’d share some heritage with them. But the clinic I was at only offered fresh and pretty much once you were first in line you were offered whoever came through the door next! I also worried about what would happen when the baby (or in our case babies) turned 18 and was able to find their donor. I worried that this would somehow be an indication that they didn’t really see me as mum or something.

But once I had my donor everything slotted into place. I stopped worrying about these things. I was comfortable with it all. She doesn’t have a mixed heritage but she did have a similar complexion to me and sounded like me in terms of personality and interests and this meant a lot. I thought, yes, if my kids wanted to meet her, I could see myself sitting down with her and having a coffee. Now I think I’d hug her and thank her for the amazing gift she gave me! I’d also like to know if she had any kids from the round she did. She was an egg sharer so we shared my funding and and her eggs so we could both get pregnant! Also, once I started the process and had my counselling I saw how important it might be to the child to be able to find their donor in the future and that this wouldn’t invalidate my parenthood. I think, for me, the anonymity issue is quite big and I wouldn’t want my kids not to have that option. They have a right, I believe, to know where they came from! That part isn’t really about me but about them.

But these are all personal choices and you have to make your decision based on your own priorities. There’s no judgement either way. You have to feel comfortable with the process!

IDK perhaps not having a choice made that easier! I was forced to process and accept… just know that whatever you decide, when you have your baby, none of it will matter! It will have all be the right decision because it led to them!

Sending you a big hug!

Xx

[SushiTilly]

In my case, I went abroad for donor it is much cheaper, they have flexible regulations, and Spain has good reputation for best practices. I accepted all other variables such as fact the donor will have to remain anonymous for me it's ensure egg is healthy with best match to my characteristics.

As one doctor put it, it will be my child in the end, I am the parent, when time comes it's much more about nurture than nature.

Finding a clinic that will spend quality time in your case and do all tests and provide best protocol for you is most important thing.

I hope you are able to find peace in your eventual decisions. There are great clinics and support team out there. X

[Doodlebug23 in reply to SushiTilly]

I read some really interesting things about them starting to prove nurture over nature in epigenetics. It was fascinating!! X

[SillyCluck]

I am a donor egg recipient. I have two lovely girls... I chose to go for treatment in the UK. I feel like although they are my babies they are people in their own right and deserve to know their roots and the beautiful story of how they came to be... I did consider treatment abroad to keep the whole donor element a secret.... but I would not personally be able to live with myself. one day they will know just how wanted they were and are and the donor has written letters for them to read when they are 18.

it is a personal choice but I feel happy with the decision I have made for them and me

much love it is a tough call xxx

I