BFN this morning..... absolutely gutted 😭 7th transfer (4 ICSI, 3 DE, 1 MC at 9 weeks)
When is enough enough is my question???
I am a strong person but days like today I find it hard to pick myself up and continue on. It's the cruel emotions that hit hard, the not knowing, the what if's.... The thoughts that go around and around in your head, should I go again, should I not... Infertility is so hard!!!!
I'd appreciate some positive stories. How many times did you have to go through this until you got your bundle of joy?
Much love to you all x
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lighthouse27
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we were the lucky ones, early loss but caught with our only two Frosties. First baby via nhs and second self funded but just frozen transfer costs etc. We didn’t move house incase we needed to self fund prior to having our first so for us, it would have been over once we used the money for the house. If our last frostie hadn’t of worked, that was it for us, the cost for a full round plus any additional transfers would have been too much when we already had our little lucky egg.
And you’ll get a blessing one way or another. Other than of money wasn’t a factor, I think you’d just know when it’s time emotional to give up. I think you’ve still got the fire. It’s heartbreaking and testing and upsetting and unfair but why can’t the next transfer be the one for you x
Thanks so much. I needed to hear that... why can't we be one of the lucky ones!! I think I need to process whats happened over the next couple of weeks and reset my mind moving forward xx
lighthouse27 I agree with HollyT7 I think you still have the fire! I’ve just had transfer 7 so I’m virtually where you are. It’s crushing when it’s a no. But I don’t think you sound ready to give up. You got this! 💪🏻
Thanks Doodlebug23, it’s just so hard! I’ve got up this morning with a different mindset… I’ve been here before and been trough a lot worse with the miscarriage last year. So I’ll pop on my big girl pants and move forward!! I wish you all the best with no. 7 It’s your time ❤️ xx
I think you just needed to talk to us fellow IVF warriors and get it out your head! I know that feeling well! Pleased you’re feeling a bit better today.
Very difficult question. I am preparing for my first DE transfer in the second half of April and after so many failures of OE I don't expect it to work but I wonder how will I face that negative again? And after that how do I make plans for the next transfer. . Sorry not the positive story you are looking for. But I m sure there will be some in here. All the best!
Hi Tnthketnf, thanks for your reply. It's all the decision making, putting our lives on hold and wondering about the whats if's!! It so hard... I don't want to give up, I want to be that person with the positive story helping others but after each heartbreak it getting harder to come back from it. I wish you all the very best for your DE transfer in April xx
I am so sorry to read this, it is relentless isn't it.
We had our daughter nearly a year ago thanks to DE. We had 3 natural MC's, 3 IVF MC's and a total of 6 fresh OE cycles and got lucky with our first DE cycle. So we were lucky number 7.. I couldn't give up either, I am so glad I didn't. However I did take some time out to almost 'prepare' for not being successful just in case, and spent some time finding positives of not having a baby... and there were some. Heaps of luck xx
Hi Backagain987, thanks for your reply. You truly are inspirational… I’m sorry for what you’d to go through, that would have been tough. To hear you got a beautiful baby girl is such a blessing. I’m so happy for yous. I find it so hard, the disappointment every time just sets us right back to square one again… I just hope our time will come xx
I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s a brutal process. I think you can only know yourself when you’ve had enough. It worked for me on my third cycle, but I found the failures of the first two cycles really hard and didn’t cope at all. I felt ready to give up on OE and then the next cycle worked.
I went back for DE in the hope of a sibling after another 3 failed OE transfers and I think my family thought I should just give up but when the counsellor asked me how I thought I’d cope if DE didn’t work and in my mind I thought ‘nope not happening, this WILL work’. I realised that I did have a bit more fight in me.
My life was on hold, my savings were spent, my mental health really suffered but when my little boy arrived, that was all forgotten. It’s a hellish time but I couldn’t find peace until I had explored all options. But it’s very important to do what is right for you. Xx
Hi Kitkat10 thanks for your reply. I’m so pleased it worked for you and you’ve got a beautiful son. When I hear these stories it just makes me realises there is hope, it does work and we could have a baby one day. I suppose in life not everything comes easy to everyone. Happy Easter xx
I’m so sorry to see this 😢 This is so unfair. I don’t have a positive story to share but am grieving with you, although my path has been very different as I haven’t been able to make embryos so lots of stims but only my first FET.
You’ve had so much strength to get this far, and I think after this initial (and completely normal) period of grief hopefully that strength to go away will be there. Personally I think I will “know” when it’s enough, but I haven’t got there yet and I can only imagine how difficult and terrifying that decision would be.
Sending lots of hugs - the constant rollercoaster of anxiety and grief can be debilitating and I hope you have some time to heal for a bit x
Hi learningdadybyday, thanks for your reply. I’m sorry to hear your on this rough journey also. It’s such a minefield, trying to divert in all roads and directions. I just found this time particularly hard, I held so much hope!! I miscarried last April but I got pregnant so I keep thinking why cannot that happen again… it did last year. I will take time to gather my thoughts and reset. I never want to give up, I want to be a mum. I wish you all the very best in going forward and pray that one day we’ll be able to say we did it xx
If you're after positive stories I suspect you're not done, and you're just looking for a bit of renewed hope, which is admirable and shows just how resilient you are. I think for some people they could stop after one round or one set back as just that experience is hard enough, and stopping is a very strong thing to do too. So is taking a break to gather yourself. But you may not need it. Several times I thought we had to stop, even before we really got going as it took us forever (6 years) to get to treatment after NHS messing around and delays. Then I didn't respond how they expected and it was cancelled just as lockdowns hit and we were delayed another year.
I think we set a lot by our clinic's 'plan' and assume that when you finally get to treatment and put yourself through so much it just has to work, and when it doesn't over and over again and you realise maybe the clinic and modern medicine don't have all the answers, it rocks your fragile confidence. Losses and 'failures' then take the rug right out from underneath you, and you go through it multiple times. That scars.
I second guessed so many times - was it all pointless, what had I done to my life and relationship, had I risked my health and sanity, what happened to the person I was, and the little voice going it will never work, you're not one of the happy endings, there's something very wrong with you, you're not meant to be a mum (that last one....).
Anyway, after 7 years TTC, three rounds (one cancelled) involving three transfers and two losses it just worked. Then my hope was up again to try for a sibling and I had the worst round ever and a PUL and surgery at 10 weeks. Then rallied and had a FET: BFN. So back to same sad place and secondary infertility with added i've failed my child in so many ways guilt. And the next month I fell pregnant naturally for the first time in 10 years, waiting for another FET. No rhyme or reason to any of it and my planning had done diddly squat.
So it turns out the little voice was wrong. But I'm not sure I would class myself as a positive story as it's been hard, often crushing, financially ruinous and my relationship is in tatters. I am acutely aware I may sound ungrateful as ultimately I'm close to getting what I desperately wanted for so long but I want to be honest. I've realised that the most important thing for my mental health is being at peace with whatever decision I take, jumping in with both feet each time, ackowledging what's happened but trying not to dwell and obsess. And not blaming myself. You'll make whatever decision is right for you - if it's time to stop for good or just a little while, do, your life can still be amazing. If it's an itch you can never scratch and you still have enough reserves to keep going, do that and hang on to the hope it will happen eventually. Just try not to regret.
Hi MrsOrangejuice, thanks for your reply. What powerful words… I love your pure honestly, open heart and bringing reality to the situation. I needed to hear that. I never want to give up, I would do anything to be a mum one day. It’s the emotional side of it when it doesn’t work. We spend months in the planning, doing this and that … it’s like a military operation but we’re doing it!! And then bang, 3 minute wait to see if the line appears and then nothing. It’s gut wrenching… I don’t think our time it up. I need to pull myself together and refocus. Thanks again for your words and I’m so happy for you that it worked. Have a great weekend xx
I’m so sorry it was negative this time, all I can say is you don’t have to decide what when or if to do next right now, but I suspect after a few days your strength you’ve already shown so much of will come back and you will know what’s right in your heart! I can tell from your words you are not ready to give up just quite yet but it is absolutely an option, as is a break. We aren’t in control of the outcomes but it is good to know that we can stop if we want to (not that I ever have but just good to know!). I am on transfer number 10 bazillion trying for a sibling and even staring at my cheeky little ICSI 3 year old doesn’t make it any easier to believe it will finally happen, that this stuff can work…… but then it just suddenly does!! Hang in there lovely 🥰 xx
Hi Twiglet2, thanks for your reply. I’m so pleased it worked for you but sad that you’re back to it again… it’s just so tough. I don’t think anyone truly understands until you are in the midst of it all, even then I’m not sure we understand it at times!! It can be a minefield. I just keep praying that one day it will be us but in order to get there we have to keep going… I was so sad and emotional yesterday but I’ve got up this morning and after reading all your comments I know I’ve got this!! The fight is there… I wish you all the best and hope that you it all works out for you xx
I don’t have a positive in afraid but wanted to reply as I really felt your post. I’ve done 7 OE transfers all BFN’s and feel like you do too. No reason I should be getting these results. But the thought of giving up after spending everything I have (financially and emotionally) just doesn’t feel right at the moment.
Hi elephabamonkey, thanks for your reply. Sorry to hear you’re on this journey also, it’s really hard!! No one can prepare you for it, emotionally, physically, mentally, financially the list goes one… it’s just so tough!!! I just keep imagining myself having a little baby one day and as silly as it sound ironing those little baby-grows… I really need to refocus on the bigger picture and just keep going… even though financially it’s crucifying!! I wish you all the luck in the world and hopefully one day we’ll be able to look back on this and say we made it xx
I've just had my 7th transfer fail too - my first one using DE.Sorry not a positive outcome like you requested, just a message of solidarity! All your feelings are totally normal, this is so so hard. Sending love x
Hi evalooda, thanks for your reply. Sorry to hear your on this tough journey too… it’s hard going!! It’s draining in every aspect. I’m so thankful to have the support of you all. I hope all works out for you xx
I'm really sorry for all your losses. Have you checked and tried everything, what I have learnt small things can make the transfer fail repeatedly, could be an infection, other inflammation, immune factors, blood clotting, genetic and hormonal factors.Also have the embryos been PGTA tested to assure there are no issues.
Sometimes you have to be a detective in this. Sending you all strength 💚
Hi Zassa, thanks for your reply. I’ve had test after test… trying to cover all basis at this point! Sometimes it’s like trying to find a needle in a hey-stack. Sometimes it can become overwhelming, one consultant says one and thing and another consultant says another. They are the experts so I can only follow their lead. I think I’ll have another chat with my immunologist xx
feel your pain. I have been in your situation so many times and never thought I would get there but I’m lying in my bed now with my little guy asleep on me because he just had a bottle and I was enjoying his little hugs. It’s so tough when you see a negative again and again and you think that you don’t have the strength to go through it all again but my determination got me there in the end. I did ever test I could think of, I knew I had to figure it out. Go to every last length and if you do, it will be easier to call it quits. I also put a time limit on myself for how long I was going to try, that helped! Don’t give up, you can do it and you will be so happy! Wishing you so much luck for your journey. You are not done yet 😘
Hi Jrss1, thanks for your reply. I’m so happy to read you got there in the end. This is the reassurance I need to hear. It’s a long road or perhaps more like a minefield!! I know deep down I need to continue, I can’t live with regrets or what if’s. I wish you a happy Easter and I’m sure the Easter bunny will arrive with your little one xx
You’re not alone, I feel like giving up all the time. This is a cruel and gruelling process that takes so much out of you. We have to put our lives on hold, watch everyone around us move forward with seeming ease and each piece of bad news just chips away at you. It’s really tough. I’ve found that taking a few months off from TTC has helped. At first I was worried that I’m not getting any younger, but after 3 years of trying, a couple of months doesn’t matter. Some days I wonder what our lives would be like if this baby never come, I think about what I would do next with my career or the kinds of holiday we would go on. Sometimes it feels like we could be content and make it work, but other days it feels like there would be a gaping hole that we could never get past. It’s that feeling that makes me know that maybe I still have some fight in me. Wishing you the best of luck!!
Hi Eswyn, thanks for your reply. As I read this, I think you’ve taken the words out of my mouth. I couldn’t have written it any better!! This is so so true. I feel this little community understands, we get each other and can relate on how we feel. I’ve never discussed our fertility issues with friends, just a couple of our family members. I’m sure we are the topic of many conversations but I just feel that I need to protect my feelings. I really hope that one day your dream comes true xx
I hope this does give a lot of hope. I had 9 transfers in total. 5 with OE - all BFN except one chemical. 4 with DE - two miscarriages, one BFN and one BFP. It was really hard to keep going but I knew I wasn't ready to give up. Something kept me going - not really sure why I got my BFP as nothing different about medication etc but I suppose sometimes it just comes down to numbers and gh giving yourself another chance. I did gave hysteroscopy before my last transfer and further tests ERA etc after first miscarriage but they never found anything wrong. Wishi you lots of luck if you decide to continue your journey. Xx
Hi kmcdon, thanks for your reply. Delighted to hear all worked out for you, such a blessing. You are clearly a very strong, determined woman and that’s a credit to you… when I hear stories like this I just want to say thank you. It’s not easy talking about fertility and being so vulnerable but hearing this it gives me hope. Have a great weekend xx
Hello, I’m so sorry to hear your pain, I know how difficult it is I don’t have a positive story (yet!) but have had 7 egg retrievals, 2 mcs and several BFNs. Will begin our 8th round/egg collection in May. After that, if we are not successful we will have to change course but we’ll keep going. My point is I guess, the journey can be long! In November, after another BFN, I was not in a good place mental health wise, so decided to take a break from fertility treatment and focus on feeling better. For me, that meant lots of yoga and running - made me feel well again. I’m ready now to start facing the journey again. This journey takes its toll but it can/will change. Wishing u all the best xxx
Hi Lamagarden, thanks for your replay. Sorry you’re having to go through this too… it’s the most challenging thing EVER!! Sometimes you have to take a step back and listen to your body, mentally and physically. I’d a miscarriage 6 months after my mum passed, it was the worst time ever. I learnt that my health was suffering so I reduced my hours at work and focused on me. It made me appreciate that life is short and if there is something you really want then you have to put the work into getting it. I pray for us, I hope one day we’ll get there xx
Hi babyhope8, thanks for your reply. It’s brutal!! That’s the only way of putting it… I’m sorry to hear it hasn’t worked for you yet. I hope we’ll get there someday. Look after yourself xx
I hope you’re ok. We were transfer number 5 to get our baby. We had to move to donor too. Did you pgd test them? We were told we didn’t have to but did it anyway and a number came back abnormal. We also did the era after a number of chemicals xxx
Hi Boo718, thanks for your replay. First DE not tested, ended in mc, second tested BFN and third not tested BFN. I’m delighted to hear all worked out for you. Positive stories make me feel so much better. Have a great weekend xx
It’s such a tough journey. But hang on in there 😘😘
what I will add is it’s never immediately after stopping hormones! The crash from them or from a negative test stops me from thinking clearly because I’m crashing from the roller coaster of it all. It takes me a good couple of weeks to be able to think a bit clearer.
Last week I felt I would never do this again after 4 general anaesthetics in 4 months and quite a big endo removal surgery my body has been exhausted and I’ve broken out in loads of cold sores and I’ve put on loads of weight. I’ve decided instead to take a break this cycle to let my body and mind and emotions heal a bit and then will start again.
You know when your limit is. But I think that comes after some time free of the fertility roller coaster!
Hi Someonehere1, thanks for your reply. I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this also. It really is a hard road… we are all on different journeys but in reality all heading in the same direction. My mind runs away with me when I’m feeling like this, I get angry, frustrated and just want to shut the world out!! It’s the why me approach… hopefully in a couple of weeks I’ll be ready to see where we go from here. Have a great weekend xx
Hi Seren0119, thanks for your reply. Sorry to hear you are on this journey also... Yes we have. I'll speak with our clinic in relation to HCG flush and see what they say. Perhaps they may come up with something that will work wonders!! I wish you all the best x
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I don’t have a positive story (yet!) but have had 7 egg retrievals, 2 mcs and several BFNs. Will begin our 8th round/egg collection in May. After that, if we are not successful we will have to change course but we’ll keep going. My point is I guess, the journey can be long! In November, after another BFN, I was not in a good place mental health wise, so decided to take a break from fertility treatment and focus on feeling better. For me, that meant lots of yoga and running - made me feel well again. I’m ready now to start facing the journey again. This journey takes its toll but it can/will change. Wishing u all the best xxx
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