I’m new to here and just wanted to share my story to see if anyone’s in the same situation or has any helpful advise of where to reach out for support.
My partner and I have been trying to conceive now for 2 years. We’re being supported by the NHS and tests so far haven’t picked up anything.
Anyway! We’re at the age where everyone around us is having children and we’re very lost.
A couple of months ago… (6 1/2 to be exact) his sister had surprised his family with their pregnancy announcement. They were unaware at the time and still are that we have been trying. Ever since then we’ve hidden away and she’s due very soon!
They’ve had the easiest pregnancy and had only been together for less than a year when this was announced so as you can imagine, we were very surprised.
My question is, has anyone else been in the same situation? How have you dealt with this?
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Heidi25
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Very similar experience. My brother in law had been single pretty much the entire time I had known my husband (over 5 years).
When he met his current girlfriend we were really pleased but less than a year in they announced she was pregnant and it was unbelievably difficult for me. Especially as it was so unexpected.
I had a huge amount of guilt for reacting so badly to their pregnancy. I tried to keep as much distance as possible and this was fairly OK until the first six months after the baby was born and it became impossible after that.
Since then it's been baby pics on the family group and everything revolves around the baby. It has been incredibly hard seeing them live the life I hoped for us and harder still as it was an accident. I still can't hold the baby and need to be really careful with my mental health.
I try not to make it obvious and it is hard to reconcile as I am happy for them but it just hits so close to home.
My partner though affected does not struggle with it as I do and we have had to have some frank discussions about what I need in terms of support from him. However, what helped me most is having my feelings validated and drawing lines to protect my mental health and knowing I am justified in doing so.
I think it does get easier over time but I still am struggling with this and I know that is OK. Sorry you are going through this I know how hard it is.
Good morning, Heidi. Thank you for sharing your story with us. You are in the right place and many of us experience what you are experiencing at the moment. Conflicting feelings are the worst. Of course, you want to be happy for your partner’s sister, but you also need to honour your own feelings. Dealing with infertility comes with some incredibly complex feelings and I believe that’s the primitive nature of it. The modern world makes things so complex also and it’s so very hard to get away from the reality of being childless. I’m a teacher with two stepchildren so I’m reminded every day of what my body cannot do. As Aquaharmony says, you have to do what you have to do to protect your mental health and enforce boundaries. Be open with your partner and let him support and protect you. Do what is best for you and your partner on your journey and don’t worry about what others may insinuate. If you need to keep your distance, keep your distance. Thinking of you xx
I understand this as have had 2 relatives have babies whilst I have been incapable of doing so, two friends of mine have conceived on first attempt and I have had one friend fall accidentally pregnant when she has two children already and claims to have sex once every 6 months. I feel that so far I have handled it surprisingly well. I usually have a moment of “oh for goodness sake” or “why them and not me?” but am very against becoming bitter about this. I think this comes quite naturally for me, a strange gift that I didn’t know I possessed. My thinking is “just because other people are having children doesn’t change my situation. My situation is non-related to anyone else’s” I have been to baby showers whilst knowing deep down my own transfer has failed and have managed to feel happy for those with children too. I enjoy their children and can somehow hold it together. I honestly can’t tell you how but it’s definitely down to how I frame things. I lost my mum a few years ago and when Mother’s Day comes along I am able to tolerate other people celebrating their mums and don’t feel bitter about that either and my mum meant the absolute world to me. I think it’s strange for me to handle things the way I do and I am not ecstatic about how things are by any stretch. I think l am trying to maintain the hope for as long and possible and remind myself in the nicest way possible that everyone goes through awful things over the course of their lives and whilst this is not fair at all look to what you do have whilst in the pursuit of what you want. Plus I sometimes tell myself that having a baby might be overrated and maybe I’m being saved from postnatal depression, sleepless nights and a life time of not being able to sneeze without fear of peeing a bit 😂. The other thing I have done this time round (I just got another negative result from a transfer) is plan things to do that I wouldn’t do when pregnant so I booked a cruise which I wouldn’t have been able to go on if this transfer worked. I had an alternate holiday plan for if it had worked so I covered both eventualities. So now I have that to definitely be able to go on. I’d much prefer a baby but it helps having something planned for the future. It’s so hard and I think it’s completely understandable that you feel this way. Sending love xxxxx
Hi Heidi25 thanks for sharing. I know this feeling too well. My partner and I were trying to conceive for 2 years when my brother told us his gf was expecting and was 12 weeks pregnant. I cried for 1 week straight. I also didn't spend anytime with them till she was about 7 months pregnant. I love my brother to bits, but was absolutely gutted that it wasn't me and they weren't even trying! My niece is now 8 months old and she's the love of my life. Whilst me and my partner are actively in our IVF treatment, it doesn't negate the love and connection I have with my niece. I think i love her more, cos she's like my little surrogate baby. I hope this makes you feel better x
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