I'm a young, single women, aged 27, who has recently been considering options on having children, and is considering using a sperm donor and doing the whole single mum thing. Just really looking for advice and experiences??
Over the past couple years, I have come to terms with the fact that I have absolutely no desire in being in a relationship with someone due to the fact I have no attraction to either sex. When I look at another person, my mind doesn't think "Oh they're cute, sexy etc" I just see another human being, exact same as me. Call me crazy, or sad like my mother does, but it's just how I feel.
That being said, something is missing from my life, however its not a partner, but children. I've always known I've wanted to be a mother since I was 13, and now I feel settled in job that I enjoy and that I'm stable in my finances. I feel ready to do this. Believe me, I know it'll be the hardest thing I've ever done, but I know I'll never regret it.
My plan is to move into a larger home before my 30th birthday so I have enough space, plus before that, have all the necessary fertility tests to ensure everything is in working order. My GP has recommended a clinic within my county. I'm also considering using a donor I could use again a few yrs down the line so my kids would be full genetic siblings. I have a lesbian cousin who has 2 children via route.
I need some help on how to deal with my family as they haven't taken the news as expected. My mum told me "you need to think about why you're doing this, just because it's something you want and what kind of world you'd be bringing them into." I found this really upsetting as she made me feel like I was being selfish for wanting my own children to love and that I would be a useless mother and that I'd have nothing to offer it. I'll admit I'm only on just above minimum wage, but surely being happy and loving my children is all that matters???
She recommended I watch a programme "Born From The Same Stranger", which I have. I found it both insightful and inspiring, which only makes me wanna do this even more. I plan on being honest with my kids on how they were created when they're old enough to understand, and assuring them that even though their dad was a stranger to me, I know that they were both kind and generous to bless me with their gift in order to give them life. Plus, if my children want to trace their donor and any half siblings, I fully intend to support them.
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GBarbs96
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hi, I think you are doing a wonderful thing and it sounds like you have thought about this for a while.
Don’t rule out meeting someone special but also know that plenty of women have children in the way you describe.
I have a son via donor sperm because my partner is infertile. We went through some rough patches while deciding to use donor sperm and at the time I was so determined to continue on that route that I would have definitely continued alone if my partner left me.
My son is my whole world and definitely the best decision I ever made. The donor conception network has lots of support and resources for all parents of donor conceived children so you will have lots of people to talk to and connect with in the same position as you.
It sounds like you have thought this through and I hope you are able to feel positive about it. Looking after a baby and raising a toddler is hard work and I do appreciate my partner’s help with that but it wouldn’t affect my decision if I had to make the same choice again.
Have a look at the DCN website, I felt very supported when I joined them, even if it’s just to read their resources and realise we are far from alone xx
Thank you for your reply. It means a lot to me to know that there's other people out there who've been through this. I do feel really positive about it, my mum put a slight downer on it, but I'm trying not to let that affect me
Plus, it's nice for someone to talk to me about this like adult, whereas my family think I'm running into this blind. Personally, I've always felt like they see me a dumb kid with her head in a fantasy world and has no idea how the real world works. My main concern is that my family won't support me on this. My mum said to me" just because your nan did stuff for me when I had you, doesn't mean I'm gonna do the same", which doesn't sound like a doting grandma to me. My mum was 22 when she had me and was still at university, so I think she's slightly hypocritical making out that I'd be in a worst situation than she was.
Thankfully, I have really supportive colleagues. My best friend, even though there's a 10yr age gap between us, she's totally amazing, alongside her mum who's also my boss. They've both been saying I'd be a great mum.
I looked at the site you recommended, unfortunately I'd have to pay to join. For the next 18 months, I'm saving and scrapping together every penny to afford a family home plus the costs of treatment. Hoping I can get lots of advice from this online support network.
Yay I'm so excited for you! I'm sorry that your family's reaction has put a dampener on your excitement. But it sounds like you've really got your head switched on and have given this a lot of thought. People take the SMBC journey for different reasons, and it's great that you know yourself enough to not force yourself into a relationship to achieve your dream of motherhood. You absolutely can do this solo!
Good luck! Also if you have any questions about sperm banks ask away!
Hello! I’m doing this solo, albeit at 40! I wish I’d made the decision when I was younger. I’ve been lucky in that most of my friends and family are being very supportive but a few people have surprised me with their negative judgements. Hurtful but I have tried not to let it get to me. Ultimately it is your life and they can either get on board or not. You really aren’t under any obligation to even listen to other people’s opinions so you could try setting boundaries with your mum/others if you don’t want to hear the negative opinions. I would also really recommend seeing a counsellor/therapist to discuss your choice and all the possible implications it will have for you and your child. I found it really helpful and reassuring to speak with a therapist and it brought up some things I hadn’t considered before. Also loads of really helpful info on the donor conceived websites, videos, articles etc and there are plenty of podcasts and solo mums on Instagram to follow for insight x
It's safe to say you are amongst a huge forum of incredibly brave, strong and resilient women. So much support is here for you! It's really great you are not allowing your future dreams to be determined by certain things including other people's views and willing to be a single mother by choice. It's quite a shock to some people when they first hear of this as it could well be a totally alien concept and against what is traditionally seen as the norm. As part of the process of deciding to conceive via a donor there is a step where you would be asked to attend counseling sessions, generally there is one mandatory session called implications counselling which you may find helpful. There are also a number of informal zoom calls hosted by the fertility network forum and most likely by the clinic you end up selecting. The great thing is you get to speak with someone who has a wealth of experience with the challenges/stigmas associated with this route and can further support you. On the plus side you are already at an advantage with starting the process sooner rather than later, having a supportive manager and finding this forum for additional support from people experiencing the process themselves
I think it's great that you're able to make that choice even though your family is not supporting you. I have a son from a donor and I'm honestly so happy I did it that way because there is no need to worry about the other parent when making decisions for the child.Also I want to tell you I thought it was going to be harder than it actually is. Yes I have a lot of help from my parents but I have known people in a relationship with a child complain a lot more.
It's good that you're considering your finances and that you're able to move into a bigger house by 30. I'm sure your future children will have a brilliant life with you.
My only advice would be to check on your fertility as soon as possible to know when is the right time. I started in my early 30s and it took me a bit longer than first expected (maybe because my egg reserve was a bit lower than normal for my age, which I had no clue about as many my relatives had had children late). Now I also struggle with a sibling.
hiya, I went down this route, life doesn’t always go as planned. It’s the best thing I’ve ever done my only regret is that I didn’t do it sooner, I have my wonderful son which I had him at 38, and since I’ve struggled to conceive again, I’m one of four and would just love for my son to have a sibling.
I personally just did it, I didn’t seek approval from anyone, if it’s what you really want then go for it, yes sometimes it can be hard but it’s so rewarding.
If anything I had all positive feedback from people. Sending you lots of luck xx
It sounds to me like you know exactly what you want, and are just not putting your life on hold or forcing yourself to take the conventional route when you know you don't want a sexual relationship.
I think parents can often struggle to reframe their more conventional views when it's uncharted territory (sperm banks, choosing to go it alone etc)
They also worry about you, and those concerns take over their emotions. When I found out my baby that I'm expecting likely has Down's Syndrome, my mum was really emphasising that that's a difficult road for me to travel down, and that it's ok if I wanted to just get rid of it and have another go. While I appreciated the lack of judgment, she seemed to think termination was the best option. "It's ok to be selfish, it's your life"
However, now that she knows we want to keep the baby, she's actually very happy and excited about it, and proud of us. So I guess my point is, they can let their fears dominate their emotions, but she will get on board and love that child.
It's your life, if this is what you want then go for it. You know it will be challenging (just like I do for different circumstances). It's impossible to avoid challenges in life! And this is a rewarding challenge that will hopefully bring you fulfilment.
You are doing an amazing thing. Family is family and sometimes they can say things that aren't what we really want to hear but at the end of the day, I think they will all respect the choices we made. Go for it! I wish you luck on this amazing journey! xx
Hi, I'm a single parent by choice. I don't regret it and love that I'll never have to split custody with someone if a relationship didn't work out. I have a 6 year old from using a sperm donor and am currently going back to try for their sibling. I initially had 3 IUI's but they didn't work and so I then went on to have IVF. My daughter was born from the 3rd embryo transfer. So it was a lengthy journey but definitely worth it.
My daughter knows how she was made she knows that she doesn't have a dad but she does have a donor. I have mentioned it over the years ever since she was a toddler so it's just a known to her.
Which country are you in? Initially I went along to an open event at my clinic to learn more about it all.
Hi, I’m starting this journey alone, I’m 22 and like you, I have no interest in any sort of relationship. I have wanted to be a mum since my early teens. Sorry to hear that your mum isn’t on board with you. Im lucky that I have a very supportive mum who is 100% behind me, I’m pleased that you have the support from your friend and her mum. I am currently researching clinics, however I have a GP appointment the beginning of March, to discuss everything, I’m hoping she will refer me for all the relevant fertility tests etc that are needed and also some help with choosing or referring me to a clinic. From what I have read/ been advised on there isn’t much help if any from the NHS for single women wanting to be a single parent. I think this is incredibly unfair and wrong, why shouldn’t we choose this option, surely it’s far better than getting into a relationship knowing you don’t want that. I have grown up with a single mum (she divorced her violent husband) My brother and I have had no contact with our father since very very young through a court order, neither of us have ever missed having a father in our lives and we have no intentions of ever making contact with him. My mum has always gone above and beyond for us and I know I have her fight and determination to achieve my dream of becoming a mum.
I really wish you all the best of luck in your journey to, it’s your life, your choice and there are plenty of people to support you along the way. Xx
I can't tell you how much your reply has meant to me. It's nice to know I'm not the only one in the world who feels the same way about relationships. My parents divorced just before I started high school, and have always bickered about custody, child maintenance and money. Cause my younger brother is autistic, I was stuck in the middle, constantly feeling like a messenger between the pair of them. They're both remarried now and I have step-siblings, however none of them are likely to have kids due to weight issues, career focus and sexuality. If they wanna be grandparents, I'm their only chance, so you'd think they'd be more supportive. I'm hoping that my family will come around to the idea, my mum wants me to sit and discuss this whole thing with both her, my dad and both my step-parents, kinda dreading that conversation to be honest.
One of the things my GP said to me is that cause I'm a virgin, the best type of treatment might differ. I think I'm gonna opt for IVF, cause even though it's more expensive, it has a higher success rate. The initial consultation & fertility tests package are the clinic I'm opting for is £700, then the IVF is another £5,000. That why for the next 18 months, I'm earning and saving every penny to show how deadly serious I am about this.
Thank you so much for sharing your story, and I hope we both fulfil our dreams of motherhood xx
Hi, I’m sorry to hear all of that. When parents separate it really does have a huge impact on the children. The way we are choosing to become parents will save a lot of hurt etc in the long run. I can imagine how you must be feeling about having to sit down and discuss everything with your family, but stick to your guns, don’t be talked out of it, or told to wait longer than what you have set your goals at. There are so many people that have waited until their late 30s for whatever reasons and have regretted it, and we all know the older we get the harder it gets.
It will be interesting to see what my doctor says, I must admit I was thinking of IVF as the success rate seems to be higher. £5700 doesn’t seem to bad, the sort of prices I’ve come across are around £7000. If you don’t mind me asking, what area are you from?
Please feel free to message or DM me at anytime, would be nice to keep in touch if you would like to? Xx
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