partner advice

[Rjfguitfg]

I'm going through a pretty rough time after my first failed fet. My partner didn't want to do ivf in the first place and blames me for our loss in August 2022. I lost my daughter when I was 21 weeks pregnant due to what they think was cervical thinning on it's own. My partner says I should have been more diligant and asked for serial scans given that I was 37 (forget that insurance won't do that). Fast forward to now, I haven't been able to get pregnant and my partner says he was forced into ivf by me. I don't know what to do. And I'm contemplating leaving him because I feel like I've reached my limit in the amount of vitriol he spews towards me. But we have 5 more frozen embryos that would have to be destroyed. It feels so hard to destroy something I worked so hard to get. But I feel stuck. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks for reading my rant.

[TeddyBear5]

I’m sorry, that sounds rough. And he sounds like an idiot!!! Is this usual behaviour for him or is he upset? Not that I think he can justify being awful to you. My gut says leave him, you can always do ivf again with a donor - I know it’s not easy but possibly better than staying with him and his negativity?

Or he may sign the embryos over to you?

[Rjfguitfg in reply to TeddyBear5]

This is normal behavior whenever he gets upset about a failed cycle or something else that's bothering him. He's already said the other 5 probably won't work either and that we will end up with nothing. I don't think he would ever sign over the embryos, so I'd have to do it on my own, which I am open to. Thank you for your advice and for reading.

[TeddyBear5 in reply to Rjfguitfg]

I’m sorry you have to deal with this and your own pain. It’s not a positive environment for you to be in xx

[Poppygarden]

hello, I just wanted to reach out and give you a huge hug.

Firstly just as a reminder, your previous loss is 100% not your fault. To place blame on you for it, is cruel. I’m really sorry to hear what has been said to you.

Secondly having 5 embryos is amazing.

Could counselling help with your current situation, either as a couple or individually. My husband and I have had counselling for 3 years due to our fertility struggles and it gives us a place to open up about our feelings in a safe environment and be guided by a professional. I appreciate it’s not for everyone but it might help? There are some amazing fertility specialists who understand the whirlwind of ivf.

Love to you and your embryos xxx

[Rjfguitfg in reply to Poppygarden]

Thank you - we currently are both in counselling separately, but joint is a good idea. He is open to it as well.

[Nabsal]

ask him to sign over embryos to you. I am very sorry to hear this.

[Greenleaves1]

Sorry you're having to deal with all this. Both parties are entitled to be upset but there has to be respect. I guess you also need to consider whether this man is someone you want to raise a child with when it does work.

Would he sign the embryos over to you? Would you be happy with the implications that will come with that as he will still be the legal father and part of the child's life of you go alone.

If you want a child you can use a donor, 37 isn't old so don't listen to him. I'm having IVF solo at 38 so it can be done.

I hope you are ok xx

[Rjfguitfg in reply to Greenleaves1]

Thank you for your kind words. I don't believe he would sign over the embryos and I wouldn't want him to be the legal father if I went down that route. I think the safer thing is to go it solo. Thank you for sharing your solo journey! It gives me hope.

[Greenleaves1 in reply to Greenleaves1]

Good luck - if you ever need to chat my inbox is open xx

[Christianbaby]

I'm truly sorry to hear about the pain and difficulty you're going through.

It's important to think about your own needs and boundaries. No one should have to deal with constant blame and negativity in a relationship. You deserve to be in a partnership where you feel respected, valued, and supported.

Regarding the frozen embryos, it's a tough decision. It's natural to feel deeply attached to something you've worked so hard to create. Take things one step at a time, and remember that there are resources and support available to help you through this challenging time. xx

[MrsOrangejuice]

It's an awful situation and only you can make the decision, as you know if his behaviour was a one-off, an emotional reaction to something he couldn't handle or if this is just his personality. 37 is not old and I was told repeatedly when I was pregnant at 37 that the whole geriatric pregnancy is old fashioned and bears no resemblance to reality. I was given extra monitoring and a consultant on that one because it was my first, we'd had IVF and I was bleeding - my age was absolutely not a factor. This current pregnancy due date is after I turn 40 and I have been given zero risk factors and almost no monitoring, so just let any guilt around that go if you can (easier said than done). But infertility and losses are very hard, and experienced over a long time. Your lives can be consumed and on hold by infertility and it's very easy to blame and compare (who has the fertility issue, who had a drink when you're meant to be healthy eating, who's job has suffered, who's been through more physically...). I also think men feel a bit helpless and redundant in this process and my partner has definitely been less than understanding on numerous occasions from did I take the meds late, did I definitely follow the clinic's protocol, why didn't I ask about x symptom type criticisms and blame through to down right cruel (I'm the one who wanted kids, he won't consent to signing the forms, to such awful things in the heat of the moment I won't even repeat them). We've been on the brink of splitting up so many times, and if and when you add a child into the equation it can actually get worse. But you know what's the right thing for you and any future children. We've ultimately stayed together, for now, but also talked about what would happen with frozen embryos and I'll admit I was very frightened of the 'power' he had because of those and it definitely skewed things. Maybe try counselling, perhaps some time apart so you both have space. But also know you can do this as a co-parent, or even on your own if needs be, and you are still hopefully able to freeze your eggs. I really really feel for you, as this is scary and upsetting at the best of times but while pregnant it's just devastating and just feels so unfair when you imagined something so different. But it can be fine and when you have a new life to look after they and you take absolute priority x

[Rjfguitfg in reply to MrsOrangejuice]

Thank you so so much for sharing your experience! I'm sorry you had such awful heat of the moment things said to you. It's been the same for me. We decided to stay through it together for now also, but who knows what the future may hold - maybe it is co-parenting or going it alone. I am taking a solo trip for a couple of weeks and hope the time apart can give us both perspective. I really appreciate you taking the time to share. It means a lot.

[Albs171]

hey,

I’m really sorry you are going through this. It’s the worst. And his behaviour sounds incredibly cruel and selfish.

My partner was really difficult during ivf. He actually pulled out half way through a cycle in the hospital. Awful.

Took ages to get treatment back on track. I won’t go into the details.

This may be terrible advice. This is only what I did and each situation is different. Obviously time and options aren’t on our side. So I just decided myself, if our relationship goes to crap will I be okay with a baby on my own? I decided I would be.

So even though we were fragile and he was hurting me more than anything. I just ploughed on.

We had therapy throughout so I guess I did know he was struggling to cope.

But it’s hard being the collateral damage at such a difficult time.

For us it worked out. He actually stuck at therapy and was much better when I was pregnant. His behaviour and worry was triggered by ivf. Now we have an 11 month old. And he’s a great dad and we are in a better place.

But it’s hard to forgive that level of selfishness. And it’s hard to go through. And it’s hard to be understanding.

I guess just think about you and what you can cope with. You know him really - is this always him? Or is this him behaving appallingly because he can’t cope?

And think through how you’d be if you separated down the line. Prep for it all I guess. And do what you think is best for you.

At 37 you also have options.

It is still young in ivf terms and you’ve been able to produce 5 embryos previously. So if this is bigger than struggling to cope. You will also be okay if you have to start again.

Because people’s ability to cope is huge.

I hope it gets better and he grows up.

X

P.s I accidently posted this on the wrong chain earlier. Whoops. So apologies to any double reads

[CyclingAddict]

Oh wow. I'm going through IVF because my husband is infertile. And while I have got frustrated at times (not helped by the meds), I wouldn't come at him for that and I recognise that he feels so much guilt for me having to do this. You do NOT deserve to be treated like that. You're the one doing the hard, physical work and then to deal with that abuse must be horrific. I'm sorry you're being treated like that. IVF is difficult enough without having an unsupportive partner.