Hiding fertility treatment at work

[Darcy1996]

Hi all, hope you’re doing ok and coping with blue January.

Looking for tips/funny stories/advice on hiding fertility treatment from your boss/workplace when theres so many appointments, treatments, injections and emotions to work around.

I have just had my 2nd biopsy at Warwick Tommy’s clinic so pending those results and cash, will be starting IVF within next 3 months. So far, I’ve been able to tell work I’ve got various medical appts but not that IVF is on the cards….

- partly because my line manager is not maternal or supportive of mothers (I’ve seen her be hideously rude to my ex-line-manager from moment she knew she was pregnant - and she’s a lawyer so should know better but that won’t change)….

- there’s nobody in HR to speak to for support, as I’m the only HR person in the UK

- we don’t have a fertility policy as we are owned by a US company who haven’t signed off on one…

so I guess I’m asking so that I can manage my stress by not bringing extra issues into the process dealing with a lack of support at work 🤷🏻‍♀️ all tips appreciated 💜🌈

[DianeArnold Partner Nurse Fertility Network UK]

Hi Darcy. I’m sure you will get some tips from the ladies here. However, have a look at our website fertilitynetworkuk.otg an have a look at Fertility in the Wotkplace pages. All the best. Diane

[Darcy1996 in reply to DianeArnold]

Thanks Diane. I struggle as the suggestions are often “talk to your boss”, or “talk to HR” and those aren’t options open to me atm, so hoping the wonderful people here have ideas 💜

[Elsidee11]

that must be really tough having to completely hide it. I tried at the start, but was having too many breakdowns, I had to be honest. But I appreciate you’re not in the position to be.

Are you taking the doc apps as annual leave then or are you sick? I don’t haven’t any funny tips 😅 but could you just say you have health issues or a recent diagnosis that you need tests for? And if they ask what just say you’d rather not talk about it? Good luck! Xx

[Darcy1996 in reply to Elsidee11]

Thank you for the reply & the luck 💜. I’ve been doing a mix of appts out of hours, or “medical issues” until now, but I’m conscious a cycle might take many more scans, appts & checks. I just don’t trust my boss not to turn (as she has with others, one even needed to be signed off) and I want to avoid the added stress.

[CornflowerMoon]

Hi, I'm afraid I can't offer a huge amount of advice but I found it helped to have someone in my corner when I was going through IVF. After a poor outcome from a scan, I had a bit of a meltdown (shouldn't have gone into work...) when I spoke to a close colleague and I told her then about IVF. My role had been changed to accommodate treatment, which was very obvious to all our other colleagues. The question that annoyingly and inevitably arises from this is "is CornflowerMoon pregnant?" so when anyone asked my close colleague she'd say "what, CornflowerMoon?! She wouldn't know what to do with a baby! She'd put them on a lead and try to take them for a walk!" I make no secret of my love for my dogs so having her fend people off helped buy me breathing space.

When I was doing stims for my second cycle I got signed off by my GP because of the side effects. He put migraines as the reason for absence and I stayed off until I'd finished that round. I'm not saying that would work in everyone's situation and I was lucky that my employers were very supportive anyway, but I know of others who have done similar. Your body is going through alot and it's ok to put yourself first.

[Darcy1996 in reply to CornflowerMoon]

Oh my goodness, we all need a colleague like that! They sound great! I *do* have someone who is a wonderful confidante, but she’s unfortunately out of the business with her own health issues. I might steal your confidante’s line tho!

And you’re so right, we have to put our health first. I know my boss wouldn’t blink if it was as shafting me so I’m not sure why I worry about being signed off and leaving her in the lurch!

[CornflowerMoon in reply to Darcy1996]

You've got some really good advice from others on here and I hope you come up with something that works for you x

[Darcy1996 in reply to CornflowerMoon]

Thank you, this has all been so kind, and so helpful 💜

[TeddyBear5]

hey lovely

I also work in HR and have worked in a US law firm so understand!

Luckily I’ve had good bosses whilst having IVF, but I know many people who haven’t and it’s definitely good to have a strategy.

my advice is a bit hr’y - I would be looking first at how much leave entitlement I have, whether sick or annual leave or other to help with a plan and think about how you can use that best to your advantage. Also thinking ahead to where in a cycle you can make the best use of it and where you might need more or less.

Then there is how often you work at home, how far is the clinic, can you flex your hours at all (not sure about the UK but all my scans & blood tests seem to be really early in the day and I could often get these done before work started). Trying to be a bit selfish and manipulate what you can to help you. Call the clinic in advance to ask any questions.

injections are pretty easy to manage with loo breaks and timings, it’s mostly the appointments I think and managing your energy & physical & mental health.

Lastly if all else fails you may need to keep a few extra ‘emergencies’ up your sleeve - burst pipe, car broken down, cat to vet etc! Anything that might resonate a bit with the boss is good 🤣 If you think it will help to plan ahead more though, telling her you are having investigations/treatment for a condition but keeping it confidential is a good way to go - or the good old general ‘gyno issues’ would resonate with her and cover it!

Good luck xxx

[Darcy1996 in reply to TeddyBear5]

Thank you so much TeddyBear5 , so many great ideas! 💜 sounds like you’ve experienced a similar set-up to mine!

I’ve been banking my AL so I’m hopeful that will get me through some…it’s the v regular scans that partly worry me as I only WFH 1 day a week although I’m pushing for more. I’m 80% sure I’ll go with a local clinic, which will hopefully keep time away from my desk to a minimum. My work is stressful with long hours, so I don’t want the added stress of the admin…even tho a necessary evil if it works! Appreciated, thank you

[MD54999]

Hi Darcy1996, I've twice told my manager I'm going through general 'health treatment' or preparing for a 'minor health procedure' without specifying it's IVF treatment so I can leave for appointments/be late if needed. He is always discreet. I also book off days/ afternoons around key appointments so I have some time to process/deal with the IVF effects and emotions. I can also work from home if needed. I find hiding it completely too stressful to juggle. Also I've always had my egg collection date confirmed at the very last minute so I need flexibility for booking the day off. I've never taken it as sick leave but my clinic actually provide letters (unheaded) for work if needed. Hope this helps and good luck with treatment! xxx

[Darcy1996 in reply to MD54999]

Thank you so much, and that’s great to know around the letters on unheaded paper too! I’ve banked a lot of annual leave too thankfully so that’s a great tip re taking around key moments. I had images of soldiering on as I sadly had a colleague come in a day after a miscarriage, which I wouldn’t want for anyone

[MiniCeeCee]

just to chip in here, also make sure your clinic know that your work isn’t very flexible, that way they might be able to factor your scans at end of day / very start of days. My day 6,8 and 10 scans were all at 9am and that really helped as I could hide a bit working from home pretending I was online and just logging on at 10am instead. Also similar to other people, I just told my boss I had two minor operations happening in one week, nothing serious (this was for egg collection and transfer) - so might have to take a couple of afternoons off sick, I didn’t tell him the details, and he didn’t ask. But if he had, I would have just said I’d rather not disclose as it’s not the type of procedure I feel comfortable talking through. Hope you navigate it all ok! X

[Darcy1996 in reply to MiniCeeCee]

I almost think if I had a male boss it’d be better as might ask fewer questions if I say “gynae”! And thank you, I’m 99% sure I’ve found a clinic but I don’t know about their timing flex, which is so key. My boss hates us WFH, but I think I need to insist more often…and train my cat to move my mouse if I’m offline!!

[MiniCeeCee in reply to Darcy1996]

Yeh know what you mean, having a male boss I think helped, as he was happy with me being a bit vague. I honestly hear there are things on the internet you can download that moves the mouse on your screen so that it looks like you are online 😂 If you think your boss sadly is going to treat you diff if she knows it’s IVF, I would make up a diff medical procedure (maybe gynae related) to have top of mind if you find she probes a bit. Give her a heads up that these procedures are planned in advance so when the time comes, you’re not stressing about it as much. Really hope you manage to find a way of planning it all in without work feeling like added stress xx

[Darcy1996 in reply to MiniCeeCee]

Thank you! I’m googling that mouse move thing now!!!!

[Positive20]

Hi Darcy. I was lucky that my work have a policy for IVF. My direct manager knew what was going on however my colleagues I worked with everyday did not. I made excuses for appointments…..mainly that my mum had a hospital appointment and I needed to go with her. Another time off was to do with the cat needing to go to the vets. Various excuses. Not easy, definitely a lot easier when my colleagues knew what had been going on xx

[Darcy1996 in reply to Positive20]

Gosh I bet a lot of our pets have had imaginary appointments but you’re so right & work don’t need to know…I’ve had my boss asking so many inappropriate questions already but I need to be better at saying “mind your beeswax!” 🤣

[alockie]

Hi, I have no advice just want to wish you all the best x

[Darcy1996 in reply to alockie]

I appreciate that thank you

[Babytocome]

Hi,

I didn’t say I was through IVF. I said I had an issue in one ovary and needed some time off without much time notice as it related with women cycle. I took half days off as holidays for those scans, tests, etc.

At the time of the proper ivf treatment I didn’t say anything at all and took a couple of days off after the transfer ( as holidays inside UK) I even brought some fudges from a local shop lol.

My boss was not super supportive on maternity things as he was a single guy in his middle 50’s

[Darcy1996 in reply to Babytocome]

The fudge is a stroke of genius!!! 👏🏻 I have had a fibroid op recently, and then separately biopsies for fertility tests so I’ve been able to say one was related to the other (or rather she assumed) so that was in my favour)…I definitely need to plan well. And maybe buy fudge!

[PicklePar]

Hi Darcy1996

Good luck with your treatment!

The other ladies have offered some wonderful support but wanted to comment as a fellow HR prof also going through IVF.

It is tough, I empathise. Working in a very male environment it is isolating and frankly the concept of IVF alien. If your boss is a lawyer (dependent on area of practise) then they will know the law.

Emergency’s are fine but will become stressful and from an absence management perspective will start to add up and could work against you. IVF, whilst not covered under the Equality Act does have some interesting case law regarding sex discrimination prior to the protected period. Bullying, harassment and victimisation is also unacceptable regardless of cause and you have the routes to tackle those.

The best guidance is to talk to them but if that really is not something you want to do could you notify them in a different way (email) or talk to another manager?

Ultimately though is sounds as if the leader is pretty poor whilst looking for another job during IVF is not ideal (yup, doing that too) longer term you need to think of you and your baby and it doesn’t sound that your current environment is one that will be supportive of your multiple priorities.

Good luck!

[Darcy1996 in reply to PicklePar]

Thank you so much, and I’m absolutely at the point where I think leaving might be the best option, but I’ve been trying to balance needing maternity pay and some goodwill for appts with the reduction of stress in a new role….there are many times I’ve looked to walk away tbh for fertility makes it so much more pressing for me.

I’ve seen my line manager complain about someone’s recurrent absence from her desk before - the person had horrendous morning sickness and felt she had to tell her team & my boss earlier than she wanted to, to get her off her back (and I guess better protection once verbalised) but I’m just so furious it is that way.

Thank you, I really appreciate the inputs from all here

[PicklePar in reply to Darcy1996]

I have to agree- this forum and my own experience has really opened my eyes to just how much we (women) are scared/nervous and impacted by an entirely natural, wonderful gift due to discrimination. It’s shocking.

I’m looking at reducing my hours to try and help my mental health so possibly an option to consider if you can.

[Darcy1996 in reply to PicklePar]

Thank you. I hope you get that & hope it helps 💜💜

[-Cupcake]

I have found that with a local clinic scans are fairly doable around work as the clinic opens early, and then I've booked two weeks of leave around the estimated time of egg collection/embryo transfer... initially saying 'I'll probably take some leave around January' and then only formally booking it closer to the time. I think I said something about needing a patch of good weather so I could finish the work on my garden! Which was also kinda true, but obviously not the main reason (and then I had to watch my poor mum do the gardening as stims made it hard t do anything heavy-going!). I've decided it's helpful to be able to tell grains of truth, while omitting the bigger picture!

[Darcy1996 in reply to -Cupcake]

I’d definitely be the same and cope better if I can frame an absence around another reason and “thankfully” I’ve had other gynae issues I can refer to too. Stupidly I’ve been trying to hold onto leave to help my maternity leave but I’m getting ahead of myself!

[-Cupcake in reply to Darcy1996]

Best of luck with whatever you decide to do... and that doesn't sound stupid at all, you're just trying to plan ahead. Just bear in mind when your leave year starts again as it may well be after maternity would start anyway? Mine restarts in April so taking leave now won't effect that (I can't carry over), and that might even be true of a January start given you're not starting IVF right away? I decided I needed to minimise stress around transfer time so just found it easier to book a block of time off. I was advised to take 2 days for egg collection, I initially thought because of discomfort, but clinic clarified shouldn't be working legally-speaking due to sedation after-effects (I work in health service) and also couldn't drive for those 2 days. Plus turned out it actually did cause me a lot of discomfort! So I was grateful for the flexibility the leave gave me (as initial expected date of collection was knocked back by 2 days with only a couple of days notice) and for the time to recover.

[Darcy1996]

Jennifer89 there’s some wonderful advice from others in this post 💜