Failed ivf cycle first try

[Greycat44]

I am currently experiencing the incredible pain of a failed IVF cycle. I’m 42, they transferred two embryos but no luck. I was just wondering if anyone had any good tips for getting over this? The worst part is at night where I just lie awake thinking about it and crying - and then in the day I’m so tired I’m even more emotional. Any advice will help, thank you xxx

[ALS1987]

I'm so sorry, a failed transfer is such a painful thing to go through. I had one fail at this time last year, and I found it especially hard, more so than my other failed transfers, I think because there is so much merriment going on around in the lead up to Christmas. I just remember feeling depressed and so removed from everything.

The main thing is that you prioritise yourself and acknowledge how you feel, but also know that you are not alone. It is a loss and it is grief, and it is something that will take time and self compassion. I found that talking to a therapist helped me, to have an outlet to say things I probably would have felt I couldn't say to loved ones. I also threw myself into getting ready to do my next retrieval - not sure how healthy that was to be honest.

[Greycat44 in reply to ALS1987]

Thank you. I’ve already been googling IVF options in Cyprus! Do you feel like you recovered from the process in the long run? I feel like I’ll never get back to normal

[ALS1987 in reply to Greycat44]

That's a really interesting question. Yes, I think I have recovered. I don't feel depressed any more, but having felt like that, I always worry about having that horrible dark feeling again when I've gone into treatment. I have had to really gee myself up to do more (have since done two more retrievals and two more transfers). But day to day I am generally a happy and positive person.

Honestly I think going through all of this does change you, but in some ways that's not a bad thing. Personally, I am probably better at putting myself first (I'm generally a terrible people pleaser) and advocating for myself. I also think I'm stronger for it. It is really hard when you're on the heat of it all to see a future happier you, but you will get there.

[Greycat44 in reply to ALS1987]

Thank you- that is very reassuring to hear there’s light at the end of this tunnel ❤️🍀

[Nabsal]

oh dear it’s very very sad to read it. I been through the same two months ago I know how it feels. But please stay positive. It’s all God plans. Everything will be okay. My cycle was totally failed. Do you have more embroys in Freezer .

[Greycat44 in reply to Nabsal]

No- we only had 4 eggs and two fertilised. They put them both in because of my age. It’s hard not to think that all my eggs are probably rubbish… I’ve never felt more down on my body, like it’s let me down some how.

[Greycat44 in reply to Nabsal]

in what way did yours fail? In some ways I can’t believe people go through this, it’s been the hardest month of my life really

[Nabsal]

everything will be okay. It’s just all about luck. You won’t believe I had 10 embryo but nothings works. It’s very heart breaking seriously. Please start taking proxeed women. They improve egg quality.

[Greycat44 in reply to Nabsal]

that must have been so traumatic having to go though it so many times and have all that hope. Will you try again? Do you feel better now some time has passed?

[Nabsal in reply to Greycat44]

Yes dear but better but not feeling enough energy to go and start again. It’s very heart breaking and though journey.

[Greycat44 in reply to Nabsal]

Thank you for your reply, it makes me feel better I’m not alone in this- my friends are lovely but they don’t really understand it. Even my partner doesn’t really understand I don’t think… wishing you so much happiness and joy whatever the future brings xx

[Nabsal in reply to Greycat44]

Thank you

[Waitingonarainbow]

I’m sorry you’re going through this. It is devastating and I agree with what has been said already…it’s a particularly hard time of the year to be going through it.

What I would say is be gentle with yourself and take the time you need to process things. You can drive yourself crazy thinking about if there was anything you could have done differently (as I have done myself countless times), but the truth is, sometimes you can follow every bit of guidance and things still don’t work out.

I found it really helpful to have a review appointment with my Consultant to go over things and discuss options for the next cycle…so I had a plan in place for when we were ready to try again.

Take care x

[Greycat44 in reply to Waitingonarainbow]

Thank you for your reply, it’s so tough! I am obsessively googling different treatment options- even if we don’t end up doing any of it I think it’s making me feel more in control in the short term. The problem is we don’t really have the money for any more tries. Anyway, will deal with that later, for now will try to focus on positive ways to move forward.

[AshleyJB]

Oh I'm so sorry. Reading your post took me right back to May when our first round failed. You are not alone, that feeling like the rug has been ripped from under you is so painful. I'm just glad it was the warmer months for me as sunglasses hid a lot of tears. You will start to feel better, although it is traumatising and it does sort of become part of you're history you will find the strength to decide and make a plan of what's next.

That certainly helped me, I cried for weeks and everything seemed so hopeless but I made more appointments and spoke to the consultant and when I had a clear path ahead I had my 'let's do this' mind set again and having something else to focus on definitely helped. I don't know if that's an option for you moving forward but definitely goals on the next part gave me focus again.

Give yourself time to feel all the feelings though this is an incredibly tough time to be going through, especially so near to Christmas.

I hope you have lots of support around you.

My second round and second retrieval yielded much better numbers and quality of embryos so you never know what's round the corner.

Maybe think about talking to a counsellor too, sometimes they can help unravel some of the huge ball of thoughts and emotions.

Lots of love xx

[Emilioh31]

Hey Greycat44

Welcome to the group and sorry to hear about your disappointment.

I don’t have any clever words of wisdom but just want to say that what you are feeling now is absolutely normal and correct. I am 41 and have had x4 cycles (3 transfers) over the last 14 years (due to finances and life circumstances). Each and every time it hasn’t worked I’ve initially felt like I’d never be able to cope with another round but somehow the initial intense disappointment does fade and I’ve felt able to try again. I think it’s probably similar to grief in that you have to move through the stages to recover.

I also think it’s also more pressure on the first round as you have the additional hope that you might be in the very lucky group where it works first time. The next rounds seem somehow less pressured. Give yourself some time and be kind to yourself.

Also I know you mentioned your age and feeling like your egg quality is rubbish. IVF is a treatment where the clinic do their best to set up the most likely chances of success but it isn’t an exact science. Stats are just numbers and not guarantees either way. I had my first cycle at age 27 which was unsuccessful but my cycle at 41 (although sadly chemical pregnancy) still showed more positive potential of working.

There are lots of people on here who have had success at our age 😊

Sending calming vibes

Emily

[Mikki100]

I am so sorry it didn't work for you. I would love to say it gets easier, but after my 4th failed attempt at 45yrs old, 2 months ago, I can honestly say it doesn't. Take time out to take care of yourself mentally and physically (all the hormones pumped into the body doesn't help!). That's what I have done so I can prepare myself for the next cycle in the new Year. Talking helps, whether that's a counsellor or friend/family member. I also found writing in my journal helped me explore my feelings and grieve. There's no right or wrong way to pass through this raw moment, do whatever helps you. All the best ❤️

[Greycat44]

Thank you so much to everyone for sharing their stories and advice. It is comforting to hear that you have all picked yourself up and carried on with hope - it feels so hopeless in the first few days so good to know there might be some light at the end of the tunnel. In a weird way I’m also finding it easier to have the certainty of a negative result- the few days before when I started to bleed but only a little and I would swing between hope and doom were so intense I feel sort of calmly sad now at least. Hoping I’ll actually be able to sleep at night now! 🤞 Very best to all of you - so glad I’ve discovered this community of support!