Coping In Festive Period

[BleuM]

I woke up this morning, and had a reminder after looking in my spare room that I stood in the doorway last year an imagined my baby sleeping there. That hasn’t happened and I feel sad that I’ll be going through another festive period childless. Has anyone got advice how to cope with that feeling or feel a similar way? If you are I send you lots of ❤️

[Always_Worried]

Hi BleuM

I don’t have any advice how to get through it as I’m feeling the same and wondering how to get through it too. I’ve just had an BFN after my fresh transfer at the end of October and was thinking about the festive period and how family and friends have all their children around and asking when we think we will want to have a family and how nice it would be if I could tell them I was pregnant.

All I can say is keep trying and doing what you’re doing, even if it’s just making a short term plan. I keep telling myself that time is passing by anyway so I may as well be putting it to good use. So far I’ve cleaned the whole house, skirting boards the lot! Made banana bread, done some long dog walks and some good home cooking to keep myself busy and have little things that are nice. I’m sorry you’re feeling like this but know you’re not alone. I also have a room that has always been our future nursery x

[BleuM in reply to Always_Worried]

Im sorry you are going through it too. I hope you will get the day you can share that news with them. Wow very productive, keeping busy does help. I try not let the future disturb me, there is just something about the festive period that I feel is only enjoyable with children around. I do have my two nephews who I’m very close to but I always wonder when I’ll play the role of mum.

[Always_Worried in reply to BleuM]

I completely understand. Even before we found out we had fertility issues, my partner and I always had very understated christmases and said we’d always make sure they became special with children around. It’s just never something we thought we’d struggle with so seems now like it’s just another understated Christmas waiting for another positive. I really feel for you and feel you pain. I hope you get the result you want I really do x

[BleuM in reply to Always_Worried]

I really hope you and your partner get to have that special Christmas not to far in the future x Thank you I hope the same for you, stay strong x

[JA-fnuk Partner Nurse Fertility Network UK]

This can be a difficult time of year - take a look at our website fertilitynetworkuk.org - Learn about Fertility -then scroll to Webinar to find " Christmas when you are trying to conceive " Make sure have people around you for support

Hope this is helpful-Thinking of you

Janet - Partner

[BleuM]

I have my mum she has been amazing, Thank you x

[Skittles11]

Totally relate to this. I'm about to go into my 5th Christmas since trying to start a family, can't believe it's been that long without any luck. I'm sorry you are finding it tough as well. I think it's only natural, these "occasions" are incredibly triggering especially Christmas when there is so much emphasis on family and children. It's very tough. I'm afraid I don't have a lot of advice other than I will be trying to keep busy as best I can. I like the ideas that Always_Worried has given too xx

[BleuM in reply to Skittles11]

Yeah busy is best I think and with it being a busy time of the year regardless, hopefully be over before we know it and we can all start positive journeys for next year x Take care

[Elsidee11]

I don’t have any advice, just I know how you feel. This will be be the 4/5 Xmas (I’ve lost track) and each year I tell myself the same ‘i’ll be pregnant next year, i have to be!’ ….and i never am. It’s so difficult.

Yesterday I received the secret Santa draw for my nieces and nephews, as my husbands family never do adult gifts, just children gifts. That’s years of doing a kids gift exchange without having any of our own children in the mix. It’s really shit + I got a BFN Monday too.

Hope you’re ok, all I can say is keep busy and try and make your own little tradition. Plus I always think, it’ll be over before we know it, and life will be back to normal and I won’t have to see anymore bloody elf’s on the shelf 😅😅x

[BleuM in reply to Elsidee11]

I’m sorry you got a negative result and are feeling the same. That must be really difficult to do that swap, hope you have good support around you x Elf on the shelf is something I’ll be tired of by the time I have children, I’ve made a plan to limit my social media over Christmas and be more present x

[Elsidee11 in reply to BleuM]

Thank you 🫶🏻 I do have some good support which helps, my mum is my rock.

Limiting social media is a very good idea. I’ve actually muted nearly everyone on social media who always post about their kids. It’s so so much better.

Hope it’s not too hard for you and you get through ok. X

[BleuM in reply to Elsidee11]

So glad you have that, I also have that my mum too x She’s actually the reason I inspire to have children. Isn’t it I don’t dread going on it as much means I get to see content that is good for my soul x

Same to you 🫶

[WillowPark]

Hi BleuM, I've been thinking of posting something similar for the last week or so, so thank you for doing so. I had that feeling in 2018, and still here. I don't know how to cope with it and I have found no way to make it easier. We decided the other week to tell my parents that we are doing IVF as I really struggled last Christmas and just don't see how I can get through another in silence. The amount of times last year people tried to show me pictures and videos of excited kids opening presents and babies dressed as elves - it was excruciating.

We are squeezing in one last transfer before Christmas, so maybe it will all be different this year, but I don't have much hope.

One thing I have done is that I bought Christmas presents for all the kids in my life last month, wrapped them all, put them in a Santa sack and shoved it to the back of a cupboard I dont often use. I'd love to be able to hand them out but at least if I can't, they are there ready and my husband can do the honours.

I was meant to do the same with Christmas cards as that is particularly triggering for me. Watching all the families growing year on year and us just sitting here. I haven't had time yet so the pile is sitting out ready for writing on a day I feel a little stronger.

I've also already come off social media - Halloween was bad enough for me this year!

[BleuM in reply to WillowPark]

I’m so so sorry I feel how much pain you are going through with just reading that. I have everything crossed 🤞 for that last transfer and really do hope you get the best present x I’m glad you reached out to parents hopefully they can make this year a little easier for you and your husband x

[WillowPark in reply to BleuM]

Thank you 🙂 It isn't easy at this time of year but you will get through it. I really hope that spare room is occupied one day soon ☺️

[butterfliez]

I also find the festive period triggering, the whole of it, the Christmas adverts, in the shops, everyone talking about how excited they are for Christmas and their plans, I used to love this time of year, with my birthday being December too, but since our infertility/ivf/loss that spans over 5 years, it has taken all the joy out of occasions and left me with dread and emptiness. birthdays too are just another reminder of the battle against time in fertility.

I did try my best to carry on during my first few years, block it out and put on a brave face but after all we have been through it is just so upsetting to be a part of a happy family Christmas with our families that are full of children/babies. not to say we don't try throughout the year but Christmas just seems all too much.

The only advice I can give is to do what feels right for you if you do not want to get involved then put yourself first, I have always pleased others, worrying about upsetting our families by not getting together for festivities , but I realised I need to protect ourselves for our mental wellbeing and have decided to not attend any this year.

just take it as it comes and it'll soon pass. X

[BleuM in reply to butterfliez]

Sorry to hear you’ve had a difficult journey. I’m glad you protecting your boundaries x If you haven’t already you should check out the Christmas seminar mentioned in these comments x