tips on to cope with your work best mate being pregnant

[Strawberry4321]

Hi all, new to this community & about 1 yr into TTC journey.

What I’m finding really difficult is seeing my best mate ( who I see everyday at work) is now 20 weeks pregnant. Seeing her everyday change shape & people asking her questions about her pregnancy is becoming increasing harder as I go for tests & she gets bigger! She is my best friend & I want nothing but the best for her, but seeing her daily is getting harder & harder.

Any tips or just being a listen ears is fabulous ( also feel like I’ve lost my support network with her as don’t like to open up to her about my struggles anymore). .

[Elsidee11]

Hi Strawberry - sorry you’re having to experience this, it must be super hard. I also find it triggering being around pregnant people - it’s important to recognise these triggers and know they’re normal.

I don’t know if this will work for you, but I practice my mindfulness and I always repeat to myself ‘someone else’s pregnancy doesn’t alter my journey or my prospects of becoming a mum’ - it helps me. I try and focus on the journey I am on and the fact nothing has changed (for the worse) on my personal journey as a result of another person being pregnant. It’s good to practice reframing your scarcity mindset in general, like when your friend gets a promotion, it doesn’t mean you won’t, or if someone has more money - it doesn’t mean they’re taking yours. (I know money and work are not comparable to infertility but the concept is similar)

Our options are to either stop seeing that person or see them less (which isn’t an option as you work with them and their your best friend and it can become isolating) or practice reframing your mindset. The way you feel is totally normal though - it’s normal to feel ‘less than them’, ‘sad for ourselves’ etc - but there are lots of ways of coping with these thoughts and treating them as thoughts and not facts. Also journaling and externalising your thoughts so they don’t build up and consume you. CBT is a good option too if it all becomes too much.

Sorry if this sounds a bit woo woo and you may think it won’t work for you - but it’s helped me at times so thought I’d share. I hope you’re ok and you find some peace. Xxxxx

[Strawberry4321 in reply to Elsidee11]

Thank you so much for your reply.

Lots of useful tips there I will use and I love the reminder that her pregnancy doesn’t effect my chances.

It’s amazing to feel a little less alone.

Xxxx

[Piggypiggy82]

Aww, sorry you’re feeling like this. I was in the middle of writing a reply when I realised I was basically just repeating what Elsidee was saying. So - what Elsidee said! 🤣

For some reason I haven’t found it too difficult to be around pregnant people, except for at the beginning; I was sandwiched between two talking about prams at a wedding recently, and as I was sort of zoning out with nothing to contribute, I was repeating in my head, “thank god I’m okay” - so it is totally possible to get there. I think it helps to work on how you’re feeling about *your* journey. For example, do you want a baby right now? Or are you scared it’s never going to happen? Then keep drilling down into exactly what’s going on with you and work on that. You won’t be so fazed by other stuff going on around you once you’ve got your head around your own stuff. Other people are just a distraction. I found it was easier as time went on. Weirdly, I actually got much more upset about other people having kids after a break up in my mid thirties (when I felt like my life was over - drama! Seriously - couldn’t even hold a baby) than I did when I started, and I put that down to being in a much happier place now than I was at that time.

As a wise friend once said to me, “well, you want your baby, not theirs, don’t you?” And that’s exactly what it is. It’s possible to deal with it, it just takes a bit of soul searching and patience and rationalising things and it’s not always easy but you’ll be fine.

If you can try talk to your friend about how you’re feeling, do. That elephant in the room feeling is so gross when you’re feeling sad and I’m sure your friend will want to support you. Just because she’s pregnant it doesn’t mean she can’t empathise with what’s going on and be there for you. She might be struggling to talk about her own worries to you too. Xx

[Strawberry4321 in reply to Piggypiggy82]

Thank you so much for your reply.

I think that’s a good idea, I purposely switched off opening up to her about my journey & she’s old enough & wise enough to know I’ll be struggling. I’m grateful she clearly makes an effort to not rub things in my face, but clearly can’t help things coming up naturally in conversation.

I’ll start slowly with mentioning things again and see how it goes.

[DianeArnold Partner Nurse Fertility Network UK]

Hi Strawberry. Have a look at our factsheeet about “Fertility in the Workplace” Diane

[Strawberry4321]

where do I find this please?

[Asha82]

Hi! I hope you fall pregnant very soon and I know how you feel it's very hard to cope with, I just had a missed miscarriage and had a d&c done last Friday and my daughter is 23 weeks pregnant so I know how you feel, I'm very happy for her and excited to meet my granddaughter when she arrives in September but it also hurts because of losing my baby, we are doing a frozen cycle in August or September but it's still hard and hurts, I send you lots of hugs and lots of baby dust your way xx

[Strawberry4321 in reply to Asha82]

oh gosh, I’m so sad to hear about your miscarriage. Sending you all my love!!!

Such mixed emotions when some we care for is pregnant, but triggers our sadness x x

[Asha82 in reply to Strawberry4321]

Thank you I appreciate it, yes it definitely makes it hard, sending love back xx

[JA-fnuk Partner Nurse Fertility Network UK]

You will be able to find " Fertility in the Workplace" on the following website fertilitynetworkuk.org

Take care

Janet