Starting to reach my limit

[Mlove12]

Been feeling down for a few weeks now since the Christmas break of not having to worry about ivf and having a breather. As weeks go on and waiting for some final tests to come back before our consultation next month, it’s all getting a bit on top of me.

This is our final round, myself and my partner have agreed that financially we don’t want to carry on with loads of rounds so am going for third and final after two failed previous rounds and nothing to freeze. I think the reality that ‘this is it’ is sinking in, and again those intrusive thoughts of letting my partner down by potentially not having a child and taking away the opportunity for him to be a father makes me more sad than anything. I hadn’t yet got to the point of bitterness towards others when they speak about their children or even hearing people are becoming grandparents, but it all just pisses me off now! (I hate that I feel that way!!)

Cant help but feel the next round is a tick box to say we tried but have absolutely no hope it will work.

I appreciate all you lovely people who support on here, you really have kept me going through some tough times and I hope one day soon you all get you BFP xxx

[Rainbowretrieval]

Hey Mlove12 👋 So sorry you are having this hard time. I’ve only had one xfer so far that ended disastrously with an ectopic that required surgical removal and feel like giving up, so can only imagine how you feel after several rounds. Im in a downtime period while I recover and having the break does throw massive doubts into your mind, but techniques and knowledge is developing every day with assistive reproduction, you have time on your side, don’t give up until you’ve ruled out what’s causing you to have so many difficulties x

[DianeArnold Partner Nurse Fertility Network UK]

Hi Mlove. Well, you are very brave tocome to yourdecision, and I admire you for it. Just check that you know your Falopian tubes are ok if you. Have them , so you don’t risk washing away a developing embryoshould you have lubrication leakage, and also a hysteroscopy if not already done to check all is well there. Perhaps ICSI if not tried would hopefully ensure ferhtilisation. You’re in this together so no need for either of Hulu go opportion blame. I shall be thinking of you both. Diu

[Boo718]

I honestly wrote pretty much this same post a few years back. I was sooo tired of it all. Everyone around me seemed to be having babies and I felt terrible for being so angry and resentful towards them. The journey is so hard, long and tiring. I wish you so much love and luck xxx you’ve got this. Xxx

[Jumpppy]

😢 May be trite; you are still very young in this game...maybe if it doesn't work it is a break for say 5yrs and then you see if there are new innovations etc. You also may discover other things in the meantime. We started this journey when I was 27 and between NHS wait lists and life we ended up not starting up IVF again until I was just shy of 36. It was likely a blessing in disguise as in the meantime life showed itself and we figured out more on DH's side that would likely have put us in a low-0% fertilization bucket had we started in our 20's. You both have investigated a lot, but maybe things change for the better for you?You also just might want to think about freezing eggs and to have a go later too. (A lot in life could happen.)

I dearly hope you never get to the point I and others get to where pregnant people, their babies and generally everything positive around creating family brings on jealousy. It's an awfully hard place to be (especially since it's a fact of life). Took me years and multiple successes to "start to" get over those feelings. I don't wish it on anyone. Keep fighting those feelings 😀

Embrace each other no matter what family means for your future selves.

Good luck!

[C-a-t-m-u-m]

in so sorry your going through this, my sister in law went through 8 years of in fertility. 4 rounds of IVF 4 late miscarriages. She was absolutely broken and devastated. But move on a few years and she now has the most gorgeous little 2 year old. She adopted him at 4 days old. I love my little nephew so much. She laughs now and smiles and says this must of always been the plan. I myself have a little miracle boy from IVF. Sending a big hug and wishing you all the best for the future. This round could be the one ❤️❤️❤️

[Banana77]

Sending big hugs to you, positive vibes xxx

[Hidden]

I am so sorry you find yourself in this position. I know it's easy to say 'have you tried counselling', and I had tried fertility counselling at my clinic and it hadn't worked .. but when I got to 'last chance saloon' and the point where I might have to start thinking about life without children I ended up being referred to Talking Therapies on the NHS (after a complete breakdown during a smear test!). It ended up that I really needed bereavement counselling to come to terms with my miscarriages and the lost hope and lost dreams that I had. It also really helped me accept that all my feelings were very valid, and helped me deal with some of the jealousy that I had around pregnancy announcements etc (not saying you have but I did have a lot, like resented a complete stranger pushing a pushchair I was that bad). It might be worth looking into. I spent about a year dealing with the possibility of giving up on IVF and actually got to the point where life without children did have an appeal and wasn't a COMPLETE disaster - so if you want to PM me with any questions don't hesitate to.

The other thing to say is - don't beat yourself up about seeing this round as a tick box or any other emotions you have. I remember worrying on about my 4th round that I wasn't thinking positive and that would have a negative impact on things.. the nurse told me that you just had to do what you needed to do to get through it and positive or negative thinking didn't make a blind bit of notice. My last cycle (7th) I had a glass of wine the night before transfer and felt like I was going through the motions because I was so done with IVF and so far its worked, so do what you need to in order to get through each day. Huge hugs xx

[Mlove12 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you Daisy, lots of lovely suggestions. I have a counsellor so think it’s about time I book in a session! Thank you for your kind words, hope your ok too💖xx