Work advice.....

[Tarasunny]

Looking for some advice. I'm almost 3 years into my solo fertility journey. 4 failed IUIs, 4 rounds of IVF including 2 miscarriages and a 0 eggs collected cycle. Its been really rough and a very lonely journey and I still don't have a baby in my arms. Someone at work recently announced they were pregnant and I didn't take it well, I spent most of the day in tears but have since rallied round and am coping a bit better. I also asked if we could spend minimal time together by working in separate locations sometimes, I work in different hospitals across 1 NHS area so this is possible and doesn't impact the work we do. I'm at the stage in my career that I'm looking to go up a band, today I had a meeting with management and was told work wise I'm ready but I'm too emotional and therefore not ready to move up, I need to leave my emotions at home. Basically my emotions don't matter I just need to be there to support other staff if they have emotions. She said people get pregnant just deal with it! I get what they mean that it's more of a management role therefore I need to be there for others and the majority of time I am however I'm not a robot and sometime emotions bubble over especially with IVF hormones. What should I do? I'm actually thinking of not applying for an upcoming post because of it....

[MollyRobs]

if you’re ready for it then I would go for it and ask for support when you’re undergoing treatment and have triggering situations. You shouldn’t hold yourself back in your career. I’d ask them how they can support your IVF journey alongside you kicking ass in a new management role x

[Tarasunny in reply to MollyRobs]

Thanks that makes sense, a really good way of putting things. I'm not great with words especially when taken by surprise. I was just taken aback by their complete insensitivity . You're right I should work hard and prove them wrong but also know when I need to ask for support. I also noticed that "The worst girl gang ever" have a course on ugly feelings next week. Maybe I'll try that. Worth looking at for anyone in a similar situation x

[6yrsincounting]

hi Tarasunny, I’m sorry this happened to you. I too work in the NHS and am currently looking to resign due to this attitude. I’m in a management band and the attitude of you are not allowed emotion but lower bands are is very prevalent. I personally have found it very stressful and that stress stopped me, last year, from going through IVF therefore losing a year. Whilst never doubting that you are capable, I would suggest you think through what you want as unfortunately that attitude won’t change. Whatever you decide, Good Luck

[Tarasunny in reply to 6yrsincounting]

I'm sorry you've been through this too. The attitude absolutely stinks, this journey is hard enough as it is without having to deal with that.

[sazzle2680]

Hi Tarasunny,

You and I are on similar solo journeys. I’ve been on the IVF merry go round for 6 years (multiple miscarriage and chemical pregnancies) and have been in NHS management grades throughout.

This last year both of my direct reports were pregnant, one went off on long-term sick, the other was in and out of work…and I during last year had two miscarriages and a chemical pregnancy. It is really tough holding it all together but there are ways to manage. If you want to DM me I’ll happily share some of the things I’ve done.

With IVF we are constantly putting our lives on hold, don’t do it with this. If you’re ready, you’re ready and you don’t know how long it will be until another opportunity comes up…and like me you won’t want to move organisations just in case it does work and it affects your eligibility for Mat leave.xx

[Seren0119]

Legally; they can’t not offer you a promotion because you are “too emotional”. That is grounds for a law suit! Outrageous.

They should respect your mental health and also those around you. If you feel you can do the job; then do it. The NHS are suppose to understand the trauma of miscarriages and adapt staff duties to be supportive of mental health.

I would speak to HR or file a complaint. You deserve better x

[Tarasunny in reply to Seren0119]

Thanks, luckily I haven't actually been interviewed for the post yet so hopefully this won't happen. I also have another senior staff member who is on my side and helping me prove them wrong 🤣

[IRR26]

Hello,

Your personal life also matters not just work life. I definitely think that you should consider what do you want more, if it is your career or to be a mother. Consider your age too and what your goals are. Also, yes, there are pregnants 🙄 everywhere but like when someone die, we do need some time for grief, this journey demands a lot from us physically and mentally! Consideration is the best other human being can do for us.

Honestly, I would prefer to broke an arm or a leg than go through this ..!

[Tarasunny in reply to IRR26]

It's really hard isn't it. For me I'm trying not to put my life on hold any more than I already have done for ivf. This will likely be my only chance to get promotion for some time. The level I'm going for is as high as I want to go with my career so that's kind of the end goal. If i can get there before baby then that's great...