BFN 💔 - What next?

[HopeNeverDies]

Hello ladies,

Today was my OTD and unfortunately it was a BFN. I am so heartbroken, I had somehow convinced myself it was a positive. Mainly, I wanted to believe my husband’s positivity but I wish I never did.

This was our first cycle and we did it throw the NHS, unfortunately we only had one go with them so we will have to go private.

I am so lost right now as we were so hopeful we don’t even have a plan B. I definitely want to try again however I don’t even know where to start with the research into private clinics… I feel like the next step is going to be far away as we will have to work out a way of getting the fundings for the next cycle… in the meantime my fertility time is ticking and it stressed me even more.

I am so disheartened I don’t know what to do. I feel like my husband as much as he loves me doesn’t really get ny pain as he already has a child from a previous relationship and somehow this makes me feel even worse as I see the joy it brings to him and it might be something I will never experience.

Any tips on how to deal with all of this??

😔

[McQueeny]

I’m so, so sorry. It really is heartbreaking. My husband also has children from a previous marriage, which always made me feel even more alone as he didn’t have the fear of never getting to be a parent. To this day I still tell him he doesn’t understand, even though he insists he does…. He doesn’t. Anyway.

As for next steps, there are ways to borrow money for IVF so you don’t have to wait till you have it saved up. Look at fertility finance options. We borrowed money first time round and paid it back over two years which meant we could start treatment right away. About clinics, depends where you are in the country ?

Sorry you find yourself here and good luck 🤞x

[HopeNeverDies in reply to McQueeny]

Hi lovely,I know the feeling, I don’t think my husband fully understands either. I am at the point that I am starting to struggle to have his child around as much as I obviously love her. I feel so horrible about this, and I don’t want to tell him because I know it will make him sad.

I will look into fertility loans today, I didn’t even know they were a thing. I am undecided about wether to have ivf here in the UK or abroad as I heard it’s cheaper and perhaps more effective in places like spain for example.

I really want to start again asap, I don’t even care about giving my body a break, one month wil do for me. I know my time is ticking with low amh, and the endo is spreading really fast I can’t afford to wait.. another topic my husband disagrees with as he is more for a break and getting finances together.

I feel so lost and lonely. X

[McQueeny in reply to HopeNeverDies]

I totally know what you mean about your husband’s daughter. I was the same, it was harder and harder to have my husband’s kids with us, till we had our little boy… (we did manage in the end! I now want a second, he’s not so fussed about another….). Don’t beat yourself up and be kind to yourself.

Definitely worth looking into finance options. It worked really well for us. As for trying abroad, also worth thinking about - we decided to go with the UK in the end for convenience sake, would have gone abroad had we not been successful here. But there are loads of ladies on here with experience of treatment abroad, Spain, Greece, Czech Republic seem to be the most popular three. I’m wondering whether we should try that as one last attempt for a sibling….

I know how lonely you feel. But please don’t lose hope yet, one round is very early days 🤞🍀🙏 x

[HopeNeverDies in reply to McQueeny]

Exactly, I know everything will be different when we have our own child and I am sure the relationship with my husband and his daughter will also improve…

I think I am not gonna bother with UK and start looking into ivf abroad. Leaving the country to get some vitamin D in the cold months always makes me happy so I will take advantage of that too.

I just need to start researching now… best of luck to us both! Xxx

[McQueeny in reply to HopeNeverDies]

It definitely will That’s great, then! Loads of good luck 🤗 xx

[Moonbeam8511]

I am so sorry to hear your news. Having hope and positivity is wonderful yet heartbreaking in this journey. The best thing I can suggest is to give yourself the time to process and grieve. It's ok to not have a plan B right away, let yourself heal. I had 2 unsuccessful cycles with the NHS and decided to move to a clinic in Spain. We've not been successful yet, but the level of care and attention we've had out there vs here in the UK are worlds apart. When you're feeling stronger, if you do decide to look at clinics in Spain please feel free to reach out and I can share my experience if that helps. Sending lots of love and strength to you for the next few weeks, it'll be hard but be kind to yourself and take care xxx

[HopeNeverDies in reply to Moonbeam8511]

Hi lovely, I am already considering going abroad for the reasons you mentioned. The nhs clinic for me was an absolute awful experience and I only heard good things about Spain. I am someone that needs to take action asap as it helps me get through things rather than just sitting around waiting.

Which clinic did you go to in Spain?

Also it would be useful to know how much time you had to spend there for tests/treatment and an idea of price?

Thank you xx

[Moonbeam8511 in reply to HopeNeverDies]

Exactly like me, I have always dealt with things by taking action and planning next steps. I'll PM you now with details of my clinic and other info I think you might find useful xxx

[helodie in reply to Moonbeam8511]

May I trouble you for the links aswell please? X

[Moonbeam8511 in reply to helodie]

Of course, I'll send you a PM xx

[Lucycam in reply to Moonbeam8511]

Ditto, please can you very kindly share links with me as well. I’ve had 3 failed rounds on NHS in the UK xx

[Moonbeam8511 in reply to Lucycam]

Sure no probs I'll send you a PM xx

[Anim88 in reply to HopeNeverDies]

I would create a detailed timeline of your next move (whenever that may be). I think it will calm you down and guide you. Each time you accomplish something on your timeline give a big old check mark. I'm going abroad for IVF if you want to ever chat about that option let me know

xx

[HopeNeverDies in reply to Anim88]

Sounds great! Xx

[HollyT7]

get on the hefa website and start looking at clinics near you. get busy with it all and get making a plan, your one step closer to that babe ❤️❤️ you could have a look at some simple healthy recipes to try, what places offer accunpunture near you (if you wanted to try it), look for some nice places for days out, shop for things to appreciate for your next transfer as a treat (luck socks, pj's, food treats etc). look into what you don't know, research any add ons you might fancy. I found keeping busy with it all helped (as you can tell!) xxx

[HopeNeverDies in reply to HollyT7]

Hi, thank you for the advice… I will definitely keep myself busy and start my new research from today. To be honest I have been researching since my my BFN at 5am this morning! I think I am gonna go abroad, leaving the uk for some vitamin D always makes me feel much happier so I think I will do that xxx

[HollyT7 in reply to HopeNeverDies]

that sounds like a great idea. some sunshine and tasty food! ❤️ your one step closer lovely and that could mean babe is just waiting around the corner for you xxxxx

[HopeNeverDies in reply to HollyT7]

Thank you for your positivity xxx

[helodie]

I’m really sorry to hear this HopeNeverDies - getting 1 attempt on the NHS feels like a tease, no wonder you put hope into it, it seems to me you had to.

I have been told to expect 2 rounds here in France due to my DHs age so feel a similar pressure. I know someone having treatment in Spain and while they are yet to have their BFP after 2 rounds, they are very happy with how they’re being treated.

Best of luck for your plans and keep us updated with how you get on 🥰

[HopeNeverDies in reply to helodie]

Thank you… and yes one round is just not enough! Do you know which clinic in Spain? I am considering going to Spain too

[Mudra85]

This is so hard and I'm so sorry it didn't work for you this time around. My first transfer also failed and I remember how devastating it was. After that first failed round, we decided not to take any chances and have been banking tested embryos over the past few months before risking another transfer. It's been a really hard process, but this was the only strategy that felt like we were giving ourselves the best chance of success. Being as proactive as possible in the process is what has helped me to feel a bit better about things. It's made me feel I have a bit more control over the process. I've also been sure to ask a lot more questions about anything I'm unsure of, but fir reassurance but also to get the most out of our treatment.

I've also done a lot of reading up into IVF success rates, watched lots of doctors talking about it and have asked lots of questions. That's allowed me to understand that most people aren't successful on their first round (of course we all want to be). However, a lot of people are successful by round 2 or 3. Of course that's dependent on age, but that's given me a modicum of comfort that we're taking the right approach for us.

I think it's especially difficult for you when your husband already has a child. I think it's hard for a lot of men to relate to this as it is, but when they're already got a child it must be so much harder for them to relate.

A good place to start with private clinics is to look up their IVF success rates on the HFEA website. I think a lot of clinics also do free virtual events so you can find out more about the clinic. I'm not sure why you're doing IVF, but it may be worth seeking out a clinic that specialises in that particular area. There's a lot to research and take in though, but I'm sure some of the ladies on here would be happy to oblige with clinic recommendations via private message.

[HopeNeverDies in reply to Mudra85]

I am thinking about the same approach, perhaps a few rounds of ivf and freeze tested embryos… then probably have 2 transferred at the time and leave the rest for a future pregnancy… easier said than done though as this time around I only had 4 egges and only 1 embryo survived.

I am 36 with low amh, endometriosis and under active thyroid. My husband also has low morphology so we did ICSI.

[Mudra85 in reply to HopeNeverDies]

Embryo banking can be tough, especially given your circumstances. I'm 36 too and whilst we were able to get a decent number of eggs, we had very high attrition rates meaning that we ended up with far fewer embryos than we would've expected. However, despite only getting an average of 2 embryos to testing each time we did manage to get some that were genetically normal. It seems the ones that made it were of the best quality (of course the true test will be whether they make a baby). It is hard going though and you never know if you're going to have to do more cycles to get what you think you may need. That would be something to speak to the clinics about when you get to that stage, but I'd imagine they'd be for embryo banking as it does make sense in a lot of cases.

[HopeNeverDies in reply to Mudra85]

Yeah exactly… I will be guided by their expertise. I can’t believe I am starting this all over again… so much to take on again, it doesn’t get any easier 😪 Me and my husband are so stressed about the money situation we already started arguing… this journey is so tough

[Mudra85 in reply to HopeNeverDies]

I remember the enormity of that feeling of having to start all over. It's an overwhelming and horrid place to be, and the money involved is really scary. I'd hope that once you get a bit further along the process again that it'll start to feel a little less daunting and like your time is being used productively. Feel free to PM me any time if you need someone to chat with. I understand the anxiety of it not working the first time and having to start all over, so very happy to try and be there for those who're going through similar to what I did not so long ago.

[HopeNeverDies in reply to Mudra85]

Thank you, that is so kind of you 🥹