Advise please - apologies it’s a 3 year long journey of my infertility and unfortunately my pain

[Xnattix17]

Sorry for the long story.

On Saturday 30th July 2022 it marked 3 years since I had my implant taken out. There were 2 reasons for this, firstly I was getting pain and discomfort in my lower abdomen and as I had only had this in for a year I assumed it was because of this. Secondly, my husband and I decided we were going to start a family. Little did we know how this decision would impact our next 3 years..In November 2019, after the pain in my abdomen hadn’t gone away I continued to get tests done privately to see what was going on. I went through many scans and blood tests and found out I had a condition called PCOS. One in five women have this condition. I went on contraception when I was 16 and it was likely I had it back then as well but the pill had hidden it fairly well. When I changed to the implant the hormones changed and revealed the pain within my ovaries. In the tests following this revelation only 1 ultra sound Dr believed me when I said I was in incredible pain and discomfort and that I suspected that it linked to my PCOS because she could see if she tried to move my ovary it was very stiff and I looked very uncomfortable. Considering the amount of forums and blogs I have read that show many women getting pain and discomfort from this condition it is amazing how many drs say that it’s not linked. But I have lived with this pain for 3 years and I suspect I will have to live with it a lot longer. The day I found out I had PCOS I cried my eyes out and went into a very dark place. I stayed at home in my PJs a lot and my husband couldn’t find a way to help me. Despite this dark hole I had started my weight loss journey. Slimming world and work were the only times I left the house. 

In December 2019, my husband gave me the best Christmas present. My little Olaf. A white jackhuahua (Jack Russell x chihuahua). This little monkey changed my life and pulled me out of the hole I was spiralling down. I thank him every day for that. In March of 2020 I was on cycle 4 (I have very long cycles) and we were still having no luck. It was early days I kept telling myself. And then COVID started and everything shut down. I worked from home whilst my husband was still out working. I was alone with Olaf all day every day. Luckily my depression had subsided and so I focused on work. April 2020, my closest friend in the world entered my life who had adopted Olaf’s half brother just before COVID hit. We spent time in the communal gardens (socially distanced of course but it didn’t matter much as the entire block shared a laundry room) and we also walked the dogs every day as we both worked from home. Things didn’t seem so bleak. September 2020, we were 1 year in and no closer but I was offered an apprenticeship to do my masters. It was a no brainer really. I accepted. Knowing we were still trying but thought it may take the pressure off for a while. It did for a few months. In December 2020, we moved to a family home from our one bedroom flat so that we were prepared for when it would eventually happen. We furnished it and decorated it and we were happy. I had lost 2.5st and my weight loss journey was going well. We were excited for a new place and a new start and I was continuing my studies. In February 2021 we got our second little puppy Chase a Chorkie (chihuahua x Yorkshire terrier). He was a happy hyper (and piggy) of a little pup and he brought more joy into our lives. In April 2021 I hit my 3st mark, I was happy and healthy and finding ways to enjoy life despite feeling the little empty hole in my heart that longed for a baby. We fostered a 3rd dog for a short time to help out a friend and our home was lively but there was always something missing. In May 2021 my cousin messaged me to say his fiancé was pregnant. I was so happy for them and after I congratulated them and told my husband, I went up to my room and cried my eyes out. In June 2021 my closest friend was pregnant. She told me in private and handled the whole thing really well with me as she knew I struggled with it. They didn’t go through the same journey as us but they were happy and I was happy for them. In July 2021 we marked the 2 year date and contacted the NHS for help. However, this is when it started to change for me. I’d seen so many friends on Facebook and even family announcing pregnancies and then  having their babies, I was heart broken. I attended baby showers and celebrated but also feeling my heart breaking every time I congratulated people for having the one thing I wanted so badly. With COVID being as it was the wait list was a long one. I had all the tests and scans by October 2021 and was told it would be 6 months before I heard from the gynaecologist. I was broken and I couldn’t wait. So I went privately for a consultation in December. My general condition wasn’t a difficult one to manage. We believed it was due to my eggs not releasing so I went on laprizol that were meant to help them move. I had a scan a couple of weeks afterwards and they seemed to be working. An egg was going through the tube. So in January 2022 my hopes were high again. However, a week later my Nan, well not just my Nan, she was my mum and my absolute favourite person in the world, had been hit by a car and a few weeks later she died. My first cycle of tablets I was depressed again. I couldn’t get intimate with my husband and I couldn’t deal with work or anything in life again. I started eating and not exercising and my weight increased again. In February 2022 my closest friend had twins. Little Hypatia and William. My god children. They were gorgeous and my heart was filled with love and also an empty feeling every time I saw them. I love them incredibly but I am so upset that we cannot have that. In March 2022, I had finally had sessions with a therapist and was starting to feel more myself again. I was still mourning the loss of my Nan but I was managing. I was maintaining my weight, I struggled to lose weight but I wasn’t putting as much on anymore. By June 2022 I had put another stone back on and I still couldn’t get my brain to loose weight. I was on cycle 4 of the tablets and we were still getting no where. Every month I would count on the app, test my ovulation, have sex with my husband and then take a test right before my period and be sad again. It was so much pressure and hurt every time. Nothing was helping anymore. On my 5th cycle we were on holiday. I decided not to test everything I couldn’t do it. I needed a break and so we enjoyed our holiday. We were with our best friends and their 2 little ones (4&6 years old so not much sleep was had).. We have decided to go with IVF privately but I need to loose at least a stone in order to be accepted. I’m now over 3 years and I can’t loose the weight, I eat my emotions and my emotions are high. How do I cope with all of this? I am sorry for the full story but I felt I needed to write it out to explain where I am with it all. I need help and don’t know what todo

[LifetoCherish]

I’m so sorry to hear all that you’ve gone through. I would definitely recommend therapy and make sure it’s someone you feel comfortable with, you can change them if you don’t. I think that’s key. Keep communicating with your partner, I found that helped but it also helped to wallow and accept/acknowledge my feelings rather than trying to be brave all the time. I’d endure I’d take time to wallow, like have a bath and cry with wine and treats. Sounds trivial and silly but it helped me. Once I had a good cry I’d sleep and feel a little cleansed and a tiny bit of fight would come back.

Obviously this won’t be a magic wand, it’s just how I coped and regained my determination every time.

Sending you hope and baby dust xxx

[LifetoCherish in reply to LifetoCherish]

Ps Have a little search on here by searching PCOS, you’ll find so many ladies explaining their own stories and you’ll see positive outcomes which will help you keep the faith and hope alive. I learnt that every single one of us has our own unique fertility journey and that helped me. X

[Kitkat10]

You can do this, you’ve done it before and you can do it again. Counselling may help or maybe finding an activity you enjoy which may help you with weight loss but more importantly your mental well being. It’s a really emotionally gruelling process but you have a focus and you will get there. Good luck 🍀

[Ranchu90]

I love reading long stories 😁, I don't have much of an advice for you but I will let you know my opinion. I was (still am) the opposite of you, I am toooooo slim 😤. When we had our first IVF attempt on NHS, I had my BMI below 19, minimum accepted so they didn't allow us to start the treatment. I am really struggling to put weight particularly when I am stressed. I had to ask for dietician to get involved. Unfortunately I waited 6 months to get a dietician appointment on NHS and another 6-8months to gain weight. I must admit I cheated a bit 🤣, I had an extra layer of clothes just to be heavier on my last weight check 😬😂. In the end we started our treatment and we been unsuccessful with NHS 2 times. At some point as was thinking "if they are right that I am too slim for these treatments?!" The right answer is no. We been successful with a private clinic in Spain and now we have twins. I am afraid that you will have to lose weight even if the outcome will not be "guided" by your BMI but in case of a negative result you will blame yourself just like I did. Losing or gaining weight most of the time is driven by your genes/DNA and is a crazy hard job but I am sure you are motivated enough to change something. I wish you good luck and I am really sorry for your struggles.