Feeling numb after multiple unsuccessful rounds and loss

[Skittles11]

Hi all

I am about to embark on my 6th fresh IVF cycle, and this will possibly be my last one, at least of this "type" after some serious low points and anguish that will be felt forever. I know after this cycle that I will need to give serious consideration to what's next.

We can look at natural IVF or mild. I am way more open to donor than I used to be. I feel I need to start looking at options.

However for now I need to focus on my upcoming cycle but I feel like I'm just going through motions like a robot. Not feeling nervous, not dreading it, not feeling hopeful, not feeling much. Anyone else feel like this?

Thanks xx

[Hidden]

Oh lovely I am so sorry you feel like this but YES I DO! I am two weeks into my prep month for my first donor FET after six OE fresh rounds. I could not care less about it, and am stumbling through getting irritated with my bruised stomach and weight gain, I’m feeling low and a bit of a victim due to the drugs and I have zero excitement, literally zero interest - it’s almost like I am pretending it isn’t happening to me!? Or it isn’t happening at all. I’ve even started to think I want to stop it and not carry on 🤷🏼‍♀️

I think it has to be self protection? I have no other reason for it. In parallel I am still jealous of other people getting pregnant et. so I still must want a baby? But honestly I am completely numb and removed from it - so you are definitely not alone. Huge hugs xx

[Skittles11 in reply to Hidden]

Hey Daisy, thanks for the reply and I am not surprised you relate after all you've gone through. I completely agree about it being some sort of self-protection after so many knock backs. I see many people on forums just starting out and I feel like I now struggle to relate to the hopes or the nerves associated with the cycle, or that sense of 'naivity'. What I mean by that is I never realised all the things that might happen with my IVF and when you are exposed to so many I think the walls come up around you as a protection. I may feel differently when I start but right now it's a strange space I find myself in.

That said I also still desperately want a baby and like you, I am jealous of mothers and pregnant people. I really wish you all the luck with your upcoming cycle and thank you for your supportive message xx

[Purple276 in reply to Skittles11]

I totally relate to you and Daisy and thank you so much for your honest messages that make me feel okay to be this meh about everything. We've had a delay to transfer the next DE frostie and my OH doesn't understand why I'm not bothered about it but think I'm just numb to it all and not really excited, nervous or anything it's just another thing on this never ending journey.

I agree it's self preservation and also just tired from the process. I do feel sure that if we get that illusive bfp and make it safely to the 12 week stage then we might finally feel hopeful - and also shitting ourselves about something going wrong or it actually happening!

In the meantime I think we don't feel bad about keeping ourselves emotionally distant, try and find friends and nice things to focus on and am here if either of you want an offload any time. Oh and know what you mean about being annoyed about weight gain, injections and bruises.

Wish you the very best Daisy with the injections etc and hope it's a means to the end and you have a successful transfer xx

[Hidden in reply to Purple276]

Good luck with your transfer when it comes round lovely, maybe we can all be excited together in approx. 16 weeks!? xx

[Skittles11 in reply to Purple276]

It makes me happy that you were able to feel some level of support from the post and it is totally okay to feel how you feel. I guess its always good to hear from others going through similar because it can help "normalise" our own feelings. That's how I feel at least. It's just a bizarre feeling, for me anyway, to have limited emotions accessible to me. Take care and thank you for commenting, I felt before like "is it just me feeling these things" and now I know its not that has helped xx I hope its helped you too

[Boo718]

Hello, I honestly can relate to how your feeling. I’ve been ttc for over ten years and doing ivf for 5 and I just seem to be ‘meh’ about it all now. Neither negative nor positive just floating in the middle with a wee hint of ‘I don’t really care anymore’ I’m presuming it’s a natural reaction to what has been a long and shite journey. So many slaps in the face I think my body just goes in this mode to prepare me for the next one xxx

[Skittles11 in reply to Boo718]

Hi Boo. Yes it's the multiple slaps in the face, over time you build up a layer to become resilient to those slaps and knock backs so the pain isn't felt as harshly. I guess that is what is happening. When I compare it against how I used feel I know my perceptions are different. Thank you for replying and helping me feel less alone, sometimes you feel "is it just me that feels this way" xx

[katiehopeful81]

Hi Skittles11 I can relate. I’m currently trying to work out if I want to do a final own eggs round before I start my new job in Aug. I seriously don’t want to go back to the IVF clinic. I feel like I have PTSD from it all. Currently at 4 failed rounds and a natural miscarriage. I have already decided that I am happy to use donor eggs but my partner is not being very involved and it’s getting my back up, so I’m in a place where I don’t even know what to do for the best any more. Infertility really takes it toll on you. Good luck with your cycle. I think it’s natural to feel how you’re feeling x

[Skittles11 in reply to katiehopeful81]

Katie, first of all congratulations on your new job. I hope you get on okay, and bloody good on you for not letting IVF prevent you from moving forward in other aspects of your life (as this can be really common I think).

I know we've chatted before and you've had a very tough time. These decisions we have to make are cruel really and they feel impossible. I also don't know what to do for the best, it's so hard xx

[NemoFish]

I can’t offer much in the way of advice but I couldn’t just read and run- I think you’re incredibly strong to have come so far. I don’t even know your real name but I can tell how much of a determined and driven person you are, it’s very inspiring x

[Skittles11 in reply to NemoFish]

Hey Nemo, I woke up and saw this message this morning and it was so lovely of you to write these words. Thank you xx

[Elleri85]

Yes, feel the same, about to start stims for round number 3 this week and feel like I’m just going through the motions. This will be my last round with my own eggs so feels a bit final. Sending you a hug and lots of luck, this is tough ❤️

[Skittles11 in reply to Elleri85]

YES! This is how I feel, going through motions and feeling a sense of finality about things. It's incredibly hard when you feel like it's your last go before a change in direction is needed xx sending a hug and much luck back.

[JudithSS]

Yes hun 100% there isn’t really any excitement, feels very much like a box ticking exercise and we’re just going through the motions xx

[Skittles11 in reply to JudithSS]

Thanks Judith, it is reassuring that others have felt similar. Wishing you well with your current cycle xx

[Cinderella5]

Oh my goodness, I felt exactly the same....robotic, just had to power through regardless of the emotions. You have been through some awful hard and heartbreaking times. We all have a way of managing, just don't bottle it up, you have us here!!xxx

[Skittles11 in reply to Cinderella5]

Thank you lovely. Your experience is so valuable as I know you went through such very difficult times too. I might find when I start I feel differently but I doubt it. Thank goodness this forum is so supportive and just "get it" without any if's or but's xx