Hi all I'm feeling seriously like I will never ever have my own family.
I just seem to invite problems every step of the way. Like I'm a magnet.
We were hoping to do our transfer (last own embryo) before Christmas and I had to cancel the day before the transfer due to personal circumstances. This was totally gutting for me (it had taken 3 months to get to the right stage to transfer) even though the decision was the right one. I have no idea when I'll be able to continue. The uncertainty is awful, and I'm worried about things at home too.
I just don't understand why I can't have a baby. I feel I'm being punished for some reason that I can't understand. It's times like this I wish I was religious so I could shout and scream at someone.
It's been years going through this. Many failed treatments, and my body just doesn't seem to cooperate.
Does anyone else have a positive ending specifically re IVF success after such a long period of difficulty (coming up 5 years)? Equally is anyone still in the boat of "trying" after so long?
We had made the decision to move to donor eggs after using the final own egg embryo but now I am on hold with everything. Feeling a bunch of emotions and like am just stuck.
How can it be this hard?
xx x
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Skittles11
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I have no positive news to share unfortunately, but wanted to say I completely understand how you're feeling and am sending a big hug. We have been trying for a baby for 4.5 years and have just been through our third failed cycle. I feel like giving up, it's just too difficult and I'm sick of fertility issues taking over our lives.
I hope you manage to move forward in your own time x
Hey Ruth. Thank you for your message. I'm sorry things have been so hard for you too. I had a look at your profile (though I do remember you from before) and I'm sorry about your recent cycle. It is so hard to grasp. I also feel like giving up and then another part of me thinks I will fight on. X x
I’m sorry I’ve no good news story to share either, but again to say you’re not alone and there are people here who understand. I’ve been trying 4.5 years as well (bio has the key points) and spent a fortune with no positive results, endless tests and slowly becoming more and more disassociated from my body. The only saving grace really is that I’m lucky enough to be in a very good relationship that’s been able to bear the weight of this, which I know I’m very lucky to have experienced and I can take little to no credit for this. I know it can feel very lonely but know there are those of us out there who really get it and do understand. I hope we all have positive ends in sight soon. DM me if you wanted to speak to someone who understands xx take care of yourself especially over the next few weeks
I’m sorry to read your post. Sending big hugs, it’s a really hard knock when you prepare yourself mentally, emotionally and physically for a transfer that then does not happen, so your feelings are well placed. This journey is not easy and takes a lot out you. Fingers crossed your personal circumstances resolve soon and then you can proceed with your transfer. Xx
I'm so sorry you are going through this. This journey is really hard...We are trying for 8 years....doing ivf alone for 5 years. Done 5 egg collections, 5 transfers in total (usually ended up with one blastocyst with average quality). Pregnant twice. Lost them both, at 6 weeks and another one at 12 weeks.
After so many years...I am really tired. And broke. We have spent all our savings.
We have decided eventually to go with donor. Obviously not an easy decision and extremely expensive but we decided to go for it anyway. We used donor egg and my husband sperm.
I am 11 days after transfer. Today is my 11DP6DT. I have tested early, its positive but I am trying not to get excited. My official test day is on Thursday. I've lost it twice....so I cannot really be happy as I am so scared of what might happen. I'm staying hopeful.
hey 😘😘 I hope your ok. The journey is just so hard we were ttc for 11 years and doing ivf for 5 years. We eventually moved on to donor egg, then donor sperm, then donor embryo. It eventually worked. You can do this. I wish I could give you a massive hug. We nearly gave up so many times xxx
Would you be able to pm where you did your donor treatment? We are 8 years ttc 9 failures and moving to donor. Either double donor or donor embryos and I'm struggling to find those who have done this so would be good to chat if possible. Thanks
hi Skittles. I’ve been at this game for 6.5 years and 5 failed IVF cycles and one natural miscarriage. I’ve got various health issues and now aged 44. In my head the next step is donor eggs but it’s hard to make the decision and the leap of faith. To the point where I feel I’m frozen in time. There’s always something else that comes up… new job rotation etc but the bottom line is that I need to make a decision in the new year once and for all. If I make the decision to move forwards with donor eggs I know it won’t be easy starting everything up again but at least I know I will have tried… I am the worst sometimes for indecision and because it’s so important it makes it even harder. This time of year is really tough… but what I will say is that I wasted two blastocysts on a cycle that my doctor should’ve never let go ahead and I’m cross at myself, so if you’ve had to cancel the cycle for the right reasons, try and take something in that you have made the best decision you could and have protected the embryo. Always happy to chat. Take care x
We are still trying @Skittles11. You are not alone in that unfortunately. Also not alone in the feeling hopeless and like you are being punished for some unknown reason. It is a bad time of year, and if you are going through personal difficulties on top of all of this, I really feel for you. We have been trying since late 2017, although we took a break for almost a year when it all got too much. It is so so hard.
The process of IVF/fertility journey is so so very hard. You are are certainly taught to be patient and you certainly have to learn how to take some big knock backs year after year, cycle after cycle. On top of that the financial stresses.
I just wanted to share some positivity, my husband and I went through 6 cycles with OE, 2 failed transfers with DE, over the course of 4 years. The day before my BFP (I was convinced it hadn’t worked again) I was crying my eyes out asking why god was punishing us and what we had done to deserve all the pain we were experiencing. And then the miracle came, and we are 13 weeks now, praying for the best xx
I genuinely believe everyone has their time… your time will come, don’t lose hope and don’t give up…. You just have to take one step and day at a time. Some of those will be horrid and some will be ok. X
hi skittles. I don’t have any advice but just want to send you a big virtual hug. I hope your personal circumstances calm soon. I took a year and a half break when my mum had terminal cancer and then when she passed to care for a dementia/seizure whole load of other stuff dad, I found it very frustrating pausing, but these are things we just can’t control. Hope you feel brighter soon ❤️
Hate reading how upset and down you are feeling. Do I remember right you are on transfer number 5? I can’t relate to the length of journey as going straight to DE means I’m only a year in, but I totally relate to the feeling of being punished for something. The last 2 transfers I’ve really felt that I’m in a place where I’m really ready emotionally to have this long awaited baby, yet still it’s not happened.
I don’t feel like I can offer any advice other than keep going, our time WILL come. Always here if you need to talk, rant, moan, scream! X
Yes, well remembered, it will be transfer number 5. I did have a pregnancy on number 3 but my baby was not well with chromosomal problems so there was no live birth. Then I spent what now feels like a wasted year trying to embryo bank and tested the embryos but only got one 'normal' which failed in July this year. Ever since then been trying to use the last embryo but my periods have been so messed up which is why it has taken so long. Then as soon as I could continue I did and then had to pull the plug the day before the transfer. I am beyond frustrated but its odd - even the emotions seem stuck. Like I'm not crying or being angry, I'm just 'being'. Does that make sense? I'm so sorry you can relate to everything I'm saying. It helps not to feel so alone but it is so horrible that we have to go through this x x
I'm so sorry you're feeling this way it's totally understandable 💓💔💓I believe you've set things in motion that will give you better chance of success but I'm not surprised you feel stuck right now - I felt totally stuck in mud until I fully started my donor cycle. Couldn't imagine anything working. It's partly our brain protecting us from hope when there's been so much hurt and disappointment.
You will do a cycle next year - maybe coming up with a timing plan will help you?
Hi Skittles, I'm sorry you've had to postpone treatment for family reasons. As if the fertility treatment wasn't hard enough! I don't know what to say other than I can relate to how you're feeling. It's a horrible boat to be in and I can remember that 'why am I being punished' feeling.
I really hope that this nightmare eases for you a little and soon! It isn't fair that you're still going through this.
Hi lovely, I'm so sorry you are struggling so much, it really isn't fair at all. I think you know my story, we are 9 embryos down and no further than when we started 3 years ago - I understand the pain, the frustration and the feeling of life being in limbo. Don't have a positive story I'm afraid but you are not alone. My inbox is open if you ever wanted a chat. Sending lots of love your way xxx
I just want to add this one note of hope. Although ideally one would want to use her own eggs, I am glad to hear that at this point you are considering using donors. I hope this will remove some of the stress, burden and doubt. If you are in the demographic that I am imagining you fit into, using donor eggs is going to greatly increase your likelihood of a live birth. There is likely light at the end of this long and dark tunnel. ❤️
Sending lots of love. Not that you need to say this, but postponing the transfer was 100% the right call. You’re on a long journey, and it can feel so tough, unfair and lonely. But remember you aren’t alone, we’re all here to support you. 🌈
Your feelings are completely valid. This is what happens after years of loss and grief.
I too felt inconsolable. I lost friends, never believed I would have a child, and I hated my body. I was so bitterly angry with the world. I have never ever suffered depression; but nine cycles of unsuccessful IVF nearly drove me to suicide. I couldn’t even function. Never underestimate the mental and physical toll of IVF.
After over five years of continuous treatment I was always the one who remained without a positive test. The one who never got embryos. Then, it just worked. My lowest graded embryo. A ton of immune drugs. Even when she was born I didn’t believe she existed. I was utterly traumatised.
All I can say is that is WILL happen. It’s not if, it’s when. All you need is determination and resilience and to keep going. I promise you.
Thank you for this. It perfectly captures the depth of pain. For me, especially the bit around always being the one without a positive test even after giving everything I have got, financially and emotionally and time wise (through having so many tests). I have seen so many other ladies come and go with their babies, sometimes their second babies, which is a bitter sweet thing as it feels I'm just always on the outside. I don't want this to be misinterpreted - as happy as I am for them it just reinforces a sadness for myself in equal proportion. That voice in my head that confirms it is not me again and perhaps it never will be. Feeling like I am in the most unfortunate group of people that are struggling because its been so long and new issues just keep coming up again and again.
Can I ask whether you still feel traumatised now and also if you found anything to help you at the time whilst you were suffering so much?
I felt exactly the same. I was always the one left behind, the one that never got embryos, or when I did, even PGS embryos failed to implant or ended in miscarriage. I was utterly broken. I had panic attacks at pregnancy announcements and felt I couldn’t leave the house in case I saw a pregnant woman or baby shop. Babies and pregnancies seemed to be everywhere….I felt trapped and couldn’t escape. You are stronger than me - I couldn’t even feel happy for my friends, I just felt loss, anger and hatred for myself. Those friends that announced their pregnancies, I cut them off. I didn’t know how to cope.
The worst experience was having a miscarriage at hospital and being sat next to a couple shown a photo from their scan. They were cooing “oh look at her legs; etc etc”. I wanted the ground to swallow me up. I just sat there, alone, bleeding, in pain, crying. Why me? What did I do to deserve such torment. I used to wish I had any other condition or “illness” because I felt no one understood the depth of my agony. At times, I felt like I didn’t want to live.
There were a few things that helped me:
1) counselling - finding the right person did help. Not always, but it did often give me a lift or the confidence I needed to keep going.
2) prioritising myself - I didn’t feel guilty about dropping friends or taking a break from people that were unsupportive or felt toxic in my life
3) keeping going and having a plan b, c and d and e - I physically had a written plan. If a didn’t work; I went to b. This was critical for my mental health. I even did a cycle with donor sperm, I had an option for surrogacy and had booked a clinic in Eastern Europe as a contingency. I essentially created a plan that whatever happened, I would have a baby - however I got there. That gave me reassurance
4) I actually quit this forum for three months and blocked IVF sites on my phone. I was obsessed with IVF, this forum I used to scroll 20 times a day. Feeling pain at positive tests and sadness at negative tests - but this is my journey; not anyone else’s. Also, I desperately needed to get my life back. I needed to form an identity that didn’t revolve only around IVF or other peoples lives. Having that digital and mental break really helped.
5) embracing non-family places - I took a holiday to Greece and had another panic attack when I went for dinner and there was a young family with a baby. I left my husband at the restaurant with half eaten plate of food. Again, I was inconsolable. Instead, I booked into an “adult” (no kids) hotel and had two weeks of relaxing and being in an environment that was not triggering
6) in the spirit of finding myself again; I did a masters I had always wanted to do and looked at what I really wanted out of life; for myself. That intense pressure and distraction helped so much because I was so busy with deadlines (whilst doing treatment and having a job!) that it forced me not to obsess over IVF.
I hope this might be useful. I promise you, just keep going and it will happen xxxx
Seren0119 Thank you for sharing this with me. I said in my initial message that I am happy for pregnant people but sad for me in equal proportion. I actually find dealing with other people's pregnancies incredibly difficult and can't quite figure out my response. I have to say it does make me feel like a failure and I do feel a sadness that I wish would go away. Over time I think I have become better at coping - or basically by ignoring these feelings - but I do definitely get triggered constantly. I think the happiness is what I try and conjure up for the benefit of others but I'm not sure how real it is. Thank you for all of your points which were really well explained and honest. I appreciate that a lot x x
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