Is anyone else finding their relationship a strain after IVF fails? I struggle with secondary infertility and have recently had two failed rounds of IVF.
My husband is a lovely man but he is a typical farmers son, with a ‘keep going/no point in being sad’ attitude.
Because we have our son my husband is less heart broken that we have not been able to have another baby. We are still a family and he is content.
I am in the throws of what I can only describe as depression. I am functioning because I have to. I have my son and he is my joy, my light and I don’t want my sadness to have any kind of impact on his life. But beneath the surface I am miserable and my husband just doesn’t understand.
I have tried to explain, pored out my sole, told him that I don’t want this to define me or our family but that it is going to take some time for me to rebuild my strength and resolve but he just keeps saying the wrong things.
At this point he just infuriates me. I am have counselling via the counsellor at my clinic and I am hoping to bring him in on my next session in the hope that she might be able to facilitate a conversation between the two of us, but in the mean time I just don’t know what to do.
I’m fed up of trying to explain why I am so sad and that no just because I am getting on with my days does not mean that I am alright now.
I don’t want to hurt his feelings but I am becoming increasingly frustrated by the pressure I feel from him to be ok/normal.
Am I all alone out here?
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Secondbabystruggle
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I understand your sadness and without sounding harsh...you have a lot to grieve and a lot to be so so grateful for.
I am 28 weeks pregnant with a miracle natural baby after IVF failed my husband and I three times. I was worried and certainly not enjoying my pregnancy and I wanted a second child. My beloved husband kept saying that one was a blessing and that we'd try for a second for as long as we wanted. I wish I had realised then what was important and how blessed I was with my little family of three instead of worrying about timing for a second and if I would be able to do it.
My husband died unexpectedly a month and 3 days ago. I am going to give birth to our one and only child at Christmas...alone. That is if I am able to keep growing her properly with grief eroding my health.
Given that I am 38 (39 in November) and now a widow. There is really zero chance I will ever have more children than our daughter and I don't have my beloved husband. Our daughter will never be held by her daddy. I would give anything to be in your position...a child AND a loving husband who is willing to keep trying.
You have hope, your little intact family and support systems that can help you push forward. Yes, it is sad not to have a second child ... I'm in the same situation. Grieving my lost love and all our future dreams including a second child. It's not easy to give up dreams. I know. But I would have given up the chance at a second child in order to keep my husband and our little family. Lean into the bliss of your little family and be true grateful for it to help you through this dark and desperate time.
I am so sorry to read of your loss - I cannot imagine your pain at not being able to share this incredible miracle with your hubby in this earthy dimension. You have amazing courage and keep going for your precious little one, in his memory. Who knows what your future may hold... be open to all possibilities of joy - no doubt he would want you to be happy... thinking of you and sending you healing love and light xxx
I am sorry you are going through this. One thing that comes to mind is whether he is in fact grieving himself more than he is letting on and does not want to acknowledge your grief as it means acknowledging his own. In other words, if you can just 'get over it' then he doesn't have to think about it. Have you asked him, when not in the throws of an anrguement/emotional discussion, how he really truly feels about it? I know how hard it can be to communicate with farmer-type men! If he is not willing to be open with you then I am not sure how much more you can do without outside intervention to guide you both through the process. That's great that he will come to the session though
I suspect, as is often the case with men (especially emotionally non-communicative ones), there is more to it than he is letting on, so perhaps try to keep this in mined to help you tolerate him in some small way until you can talk with counsellor xx
As I said he is content. We have talked at length about our feelings and although he is sad IVF has not worked he is not experiencing any ongoing sadness.
For us we had it all mapped out and agreed that if we did three rounds we’d given it a good go - if nothing happened then so be it we just had to live with it.
Albeit it made me sad to think of it that way in reality it was logical.
Luckily we were successful in the third round and are nearly 32 weeks. That said there are still two frozen embryos to use, as again we decided to keep those ones until this one is born - as long as everything is okay the other two will be disposed of as we will accept that we’ve been graced with having one child
Everyone is different and deals with things in different ways
I can very much relate to your post! I’m in a very similar situation, secondary infertility after a natural pregnancy which gave us our now 3 year old son. Trying for a sibling has been 2 years of ongoing disappointments.. 2 ivf rounds, 3 transfers and nothing. We have 2 embryos left with poor/average quality but I’m really deflated about it all. It has put a big strain on our relationship as, similar to you, I have the ongoing sadness (I’m also 40 now so makes it more pressure!). Don’t get me wrong, I’m also soooo grateful for my son that I have but it doesn’t stop that longing..
Anyway just wanted to let you know that you are not alone about how it affects the relationship, we have had our biggest crisis due to different way of showing our emotions and how we talk about stuff.
I think the counseling is a good step and I should do the same when I am soon to embark on another fet..
X
I don’t have quite the same challenge but I do have an other half who ‘doesn’t see the point in mourning what might have been’. We’ve managed to be pregnant six times now 3 times naturally 3 times via IVF and lost all of them.. and I am now 43 and been told to give up on my own eggs. If we ever discuss it he just says ‘how lucky we are in other ways’ and ‘we have our health’ and ‘we have a great life’ .. which is all true but all completely irrelevant when we are supposed to be grieving our babies and dealing with infertility
He’s a good man, and my soul mate, but when it comes to TTC, IVF and pregnancy loss he’s ruddy hopeless and I’ve had to just accept that he’s never going to change. Which is rubbish tbh!
Hi love, I feel for you and you are definitely not alone...my husband is very similar. We have a wonderful boy but over the last 4.5 years of trying and going through all sorts myself (I lost my second baby at just under 13 weeks) I am only just coming out of the grief the anger the constant shadow of feeling a massive lack etc (and a failure). I would say please please keep reminding yourself that in 24hrs you are going to feel a constant wave of emotions etc.... So ride it out and keep remembering the things we should all be grateful for. It hurts and feels fake but over time you realise there is only one life to live and you can't keep living in your thoughts....it won't help you live your best life.....I have made my peace with not having more than one...but it is a struggle and a constant battle to keep moving forward.... big hugs love xx
Thank you to the last three posts 🙏 knittingababy, Daisy1245 and Tessan1. You have really made me feel understood!We all love the men in our lives clearly and in this case I think that has to be enough. I’m always saying that I don’t expect him to understand, but I do wish he would listen when I tell him what I need and then just do that 😄
As one of you said, this is a sadness that will take time to overcome and it hits you in waves. I am determined not to let it cloud our lives for too long. I am working with the counsellor to find ways to put having another baby to the back of my mind.
If my friends could all stop having more I’m sure that would help! It’s all just so bloody unfair at the end of the day.
This resonates so much with me. I have a daughter who is five through ivf. We had four failed embryo transfers after that & I have been so depressed about things this year. All my friends have had two or three children & my daughter keeps asking why she hasn’t got a brother or sister. My husband is so caring & supportive in every other way but he can’t understand why I’m so upset when we already have a daughter. It consumes me & I think of it every single day and feel guilty about it as I know I am lucky to have what I already have. It feels me with hope seeing people say they have made peace with it. I keep thinking I’m going to feel like this forever. I completely understand where you are coming from xx
Hi there, just wanted to say I relate to your post in so many ways. Of course we are completely grateful for our little boy and nothing can take from the pure joy that brings, I feel lucky every single day. But it doesn’t stop the grieving of every failed transfer for that second baby. Even finding ways to move on from it is difficult when people aren’t so sensitive about asking about siblings. It’s a constant conversation. Of course it wouldn’t matter if I’d come to terms with it myself but it keeps digging into that same wound.
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