Short lived BFP and then it was over

[NemoFish]

I’ve posted a few times about the rollercoaster that’s been my ivf cycle this last month. I responded poorly to stims and it was touch and go to cancel my cycle. Then out of nowhere my lazy follicles got a kick up the backside and did some growing and I was thrilled to get five mature eggs on collection. All five fertilised but only one made it to a good enough blasto for 5 day transfer.

At 6dp5dt I started getting cramps and the tiniest amount of spotting. At 9dp5dt I started bleeding and began to expect the worst. 10dp5dt the bleeding got heavier and I believed AF had started. I hadn’t tested and was totally convinced it was over for me. I got home that evening and tested just to prove what I thought I already knew. And got a blazing BFP. I was completely beside myself. My OTD was the next day and so I tested again and sure enough, BFP albeit slightly lighter. It didn’t sink in and I spent Friday on a complete daze. I was however still bleeding and it wasn’t easing up, so my clinic prescribed me enough pessaries to last me up to my 7wk scan they had booked in for me.

Friday night and the bleeding started to get a bit heavier. Saturday morning and it was all over. I tested not pregnant on a clearblue and the faintest line on a FRER. I’m completely devastated. I’ve never had a positive test in my life and wasn’t sure I ever would. I got to spend 24hrs daring to dream that I was about to get everything I’d ever wanted and then it was gone. I can’t even bring myself to have a shower or get dressed. I wish I’d never seen that positive test. I was geared up for the cycle to fail and upset as I was, could’ve accepted that, but a different outcome was dangled in my face for such a short time and I feel so cheated.

I’m trying to reassure myself that it could be seen as a good thing, that I got an embryo good enough to implant, it just didn’t quite get there and maybe next time will be different. I don’t have anything in the freezer so it’s back to square one.

Ivf truly is the sh*ttiest journey and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. I’m going to spend the rest of my day blasting heavy metal from the living room to block out next doors screaming baby (again). Xx

[Millbanks]

I’m so sorry to hear your story. It’s so cruel and unfair. Like you say, having it dangled in front of you like that is just the most devastating thing. But I think you are right to take the positive from this, that you obviously can get pregnant, perhaps this embryo wasn’t genetically correct and the next one will be. I’m with you on the heavy metal! I recommend some Megadeath or Pantera to sooth 😘💪🏼

Sending lots of love xx

[Trying00]

Oh my love this is devastating. The fleeting positive being taken away is gutting. There is no rhyme or reason, there are no words that help the pain (when I had a chemical, there were lots of ‘better it happen now than miscarry further down the line’ comments etc) but none of it helps. It’s just fucking horrible, and you need to feel it. Blast that heavy metal (it was Alanis Morissette, You Oughta Know for me), take your time and then take the positives and crack on. You’ve got this, lots of love and hugs xxxx

[JudithSS]

I’m sorry this happened! I also had a chemical pregnancy this round. My dr said the same thing, she was so pleased that everything worked even though it couldn’t stick. When I asked why that was she said it would be down to chromosomes and that my body did the correct thing. It is absolutely shit though! I hope you feel better x

[Jess1981]

I'm so sorry. Miscarriages at any stage are just devastating it's a loss of a dream and a future . Our first positive test was a chemical pregnancy and after 6 years it was awful to see the test and have it go so quickly. My ex fertility specialist just told us we were unlucky and just because that pregnancy was lost didn't mean another would be and he was right as we a year later conceived our 2 year old daughter . I suspect you were just incredibly unlucky and I'm sure the next pregnancy will workout for you. We've since lost another 3 pregnancies ( 20 weeks, another chemical pregnancy and 6.5 weeks) I know how devastating a loss is. After my later loss my GP prescribed me anti depressants to take the edge of it, fortunately we have our beautiful little girl so I had to keep going but it was difficult. There are ones you can take whilst TTC. Please don't struggle alone, there is also counselling that may help. Leave you with the words my ex fertility specialist said to us " through the dark cloud the silver lining is that you managed to conceive and this is big progress. " Xx

[Purpledoggy]

So sorry to hear this - sometimes life is just too cruel. Heavy metal is definitely the way to go to get some of the rage out 🙂 Sending hugs xx

[Fruitandflowers]

So sorry you're going through this. I've just had my second chemical in 4mnths. Both times I got positives from 5dp5dt right through to after OTD. Both times my clinic did the whole 'Congratulations! Can you do your first scan on X date' but on the first round I just felt something wasn't right and I retested on 14dpt and lines had faded on FRER plus I belatedly got my HCG results from my GP showing it had stopped somewhere between 9-11dpt. Told clinic in a complete daze and numb to be told 'oh that's something called a biochemical and means you weren't really pregnant, stop meds, cancel the scan. We'll be in touch'.

I had never had the two lines and I thought we had just been so lucky - as far I was concerned I was pregnant and I was practicing telling my Mum (no-one knows we're even TTC, let alone in IVF). It's horrendous to have that taken away. My only way to cope was to start privately asap as then I'd have something to aim for and concentrate on. This time I was more anxious and when I told the clinic the 'good news' on OTD I had to immediately calm down the receptionist and say yes it's positive on CBD and FRERs but the lines are already fading so it may not last. I also spotted a bit on this one. Then I had to keep having blood tests until HCG was 0 to make sure it wasn't ectopic as the positives stayed longer. Watching it go like that is heartbreaking.

The NHS and private clinics are all so pleased with where we have got to and seem to think it's just a numbers game, which it might be, but don't seem to understand how much these losses (that's what they feel like to me at least) hurt. I feel like all this time of TTC there's something wrong with the way my body reacts to hormones, not the embryos - exactly the same as you, I was told I was a poor responder, then that I was an 'atypical' and 'unusual' responder (better than poor at least), because I have a very high AMH (no obvious PCOS) but I don't respond to meds until late and high levels. However, I did get two hatching blasts first round and on the second, five. So the good things are that you produce eggs, they're mature, they fertilize, they can develop, and implant and that seems to overcome so so many hurdles. Also, your next cycle (if you decide to have one) won't necessarily be the same and they can tweak things. This time we're going to try FET with all the added progesterone in all forms we can get in case that's the problem, maybe also steroids if I can convince the clinic. Tbh right now I would try pineapple by IV drip if it Dr Google said it might make a difference!

The come down after the elation and gearing up time after time is so hard. I'm not sure how sustainable it is for everyone but you see so many inspirational women on here who got their dream after many rounds and heartaches, so staying hopeful (and trying to resist the urge to randomly kick walls (and people), just because).

Best x

[cmbxm]

I’m sending you so much love right now x

[AuroraXen]

Oh no!! I was thinking of you on Friday and figured it was a BFN. This is so cruel NemoFish, I'm so sorry. But listen, I think it definitely IS a good silver lining that your body can get a BFP. I've never seen those 2 lines, just stark bloody white emptiness 😣🙄 I'm convinced my body cannot do this, and my next (last) cycle will be another flop. can't even try naturally this month as my husband is away, sob. I'm trying to persuade myself we still have a chance to do this naturally, without IVF. I'm older, and AMH is low, and husband's sperm is lower than it should be on morphology scores (but good on the other parameters)... but on the bright side we are lucky not to have tangible things like blocked tubes, endo, PCOS etc, so am trying to hang on to the chance that one of these months we might see those lines. 🙏Meanwhile, think we'll do our last ICSI cycle of this 2-cycle package in late August/Sept. I want to give DHEA another shot so am not going straight into it... What are your plans (if you can bear to think ahead?) Sending you lots of love xx

[NemoFish in reply to AuroraXen]

Sorry it’s taken me a while to come back to this page, I’ve been in such a bad place for the last few days, I just don’t know what to do with myself. I was in no fit state to go back to work Monday but did anyway. I bled all over the seat of my work van (luckily I had black trousers on), but couldn’t get washed and changed until I got back home and it was just awful. Yesterday I left work and got a mile up the road before I rang my boss and said I couldn’t do it. I told him what happened and he sent me straight back home. Today I feel absolutely nothing, like I’m in a trance.

Our next cycles have to be the ones for us, we’re going to get there. If like you said you’re in a position to try naturally anyway then make the most of it and enjoy it! I’m seeing my doctor next week and want to get straight onto another cycle ASAP.

It really helps me that I have women here I can vent to who understand. The rest of the world passes us by but I don’t know what I’d do without peoples kind words on here xx

[ki50]

I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through, sending you love and strength to get through to the next stage x