IVF using sperm donor

[JRAP90]

Hello,

After 5 failed rounds of IVF with PGD (due to a chromosomal defect that impacts sperm mobility/count) my boyfriend and I have decided to use donor sperm. I would really love to hear of anyone else that has been/going on this journey and particularly any concerns you may have had along the way as well as any positive stories. We both know this is what we want as we is desperate to be parents but my boyfriend holds a lot of shame around the fact he is unable to do this with his own sperm - this also means he is really reluctant for friends to know meaning it can be quite a lonely place. I have tried to look online for peoples stories but haven't found much, so if anyone also has any recommendations of anywhere we can read about others that have had similar journeys I would love to know.

Thank you so much in advance ☺

[Aurora20]

Hi I don’t have any advice/experience but just wanted to say that’s so amazing to hear, well done to him and good luck with it all x

[JRAP90 in reply to Aurora20]

Thank you so much xx

[ardnek]

Hi we have an 18 month old from donor sperm. Feel free to message and I can send our full story. My partner recently joined the him fertility support group. It took until our son was 16 months until he went to the group, on zoom with the video off, so he would fully understand the shame your boyfriend feels.

Rhod Gilbert did a documentary about male fertility. It was really interesting. He was part of the reason by partner even joined the support group so might be worth a watch

[JRAP90 in reply to ardnek]

This is so helpful thank you, it sounds as though they may be having/have had similar feelings. I have mentioned the Rod Gilbert documentary to him but not sure he's in a place to access it yet, hoping that will come with time as I'm sure it would really help. Thanks so much again xx

[purplcucmbr]

Sorry you both went through the five failed rounds x x My boyfriend has azoospermia and had an unsuccessful TESE operation. I just did my first IUI with donor sperm. We've told almost all members of our families and quite a lot of friends. When the baby is born I'm going to announce to everyone that we used a donor. Although that will be hard for me I think it's best to be open and not make our kids think we were ashamed of their story. The reason I'm able to do this relatively easily is that while he's bummed out, my boyfriend doesn't feel shame or that it affects how he feels about himself. I'd love your boyfriend to feel the same but I know it's not easy ♥️ sending love and if you wanna chat please do x x

[JRAP90 in reply to purplcucmbr]

Ah thats so great! I would love to tell the world and for it not to really be a thing but he is definitely not in that headspace. He appreciates that we will need to tell the child and they mustn't feel shame/that it's a big secret so when the time comes that the child might choose to share his/her story then the decision is out of our hands.Its really great you are able to share and so glad your boyfriend feels ok about it all. Thanks so much for your message and good luck with everything xx

[purplcucmbr in reply to JRAP90]

I understand and I totally sympathise with how he is feeling, it is super hard. By the way this was still open in a tab of mind and wanted to share it just in case it's helpful x x youtube.com/watch?v=XpQAwx5...(Not working as expected?)

[JRAP90 in reply to purplcucmbr]

Thats great, thanks so much for sharing.xx

[Running79]

I think men take it a lot harder then woman. We are using donor eggs from my sister and my husbands sperm, he has no problem with that at all and even said that if I’d said we would do another round with my eggs he would have said it’s not worth it.

He had said to me a while ago he did not want to be using donor sperm, and the subject hasn’t been approached since. Whether they think they couldn’t bond with the child properly or call the baby their own I don’t know.

For us it’s easier as the baby is growing inside us for 9 months so know it’s ours whether it’s our own or donor egg

[JRAP90 in reply to Running79]

I completely agree! Carrying the baby must make such a difference to that connection and acceptance.Thank you so much for your message and the best of luck with everything xx

[PositivaCH]

I am a BFP with double donor as my eggs were not viable and my bf doesn’t want kids. I also feel your bf’s pain and worries. But this is something that he can tackle once you get pregnant. What story u should tell the world. It’s ur personal story and no one needs to know if u don’t want. Genetics don’t matter. I feel so much love for my sweet embryo 🥰

But yes it’s something to think about now.

My friend’s husband had same issues, they thought about taking sperm from a family member. Maybe u can see that option too?

For me it’s weird to use family member sperm.

In the end genetics don’t matter, love is love ❤️

[JRAP90 in reply to PositivaCH]

Congratulations! How exciting!Thanks so much for your message and I completely agree that genetics make no difference when it comes to being a parent and like you say, really hoping he begins to feel more relaxed once I'm pregnant. We already have our sperm and are actually due to start in the next few weeks, I think he would have found using sperm from a family member hard.

Thanks again and best of luck with the pregnancy xx

[PositivaCH]

Also. I’m proud of my story. If others feel weird about it, it’s their problem. I find that I am strong, inspite of all challenges I stood up for what I desire and I’m working towards it. Tell your bf that I am proud of him. It takes a strong person to even think about this. 👍🏼

[JRAP90 in reply to PositivaCH]

Thats so true and so lovely. Thank you!xx

[ADC2019]

We used a donor. Our hospital recommended counselling before we started treatment which helped us think it through properly. My husband talks as though baby is biologically his&doesnt seem concerned. We may go for some additional counselling in future as we have only told some close friends and family and its recommended you tell child early so its not an issue to them either. If we hadnt used a donor then adoption would have been our next consideration. An adopted child would not be any less our child without same genes so why should using a donor be seen differently

[JRAP90 in reply to ADC2019]

Thank you so much for your message. So nice to hear that your husband talks about baby as though genetically his. We have had some counselling too but my boyfriend struggles with opening up so unfortunately don't think it was as impactful as maybe it could have been, but helpful though. Something they talked about was children's books you can buy that discuss the fact that somebody helped mummy and daddy make them. Our counsellors suggestion was sharing it with baby/child every now and again as early as possible so that they understood the story a bit without it being a shock revelation. She said this also means they are less likely to feel the need to talk about it with others as its just normal to them.. if that makes sense? You may know all this already but if not could be something worth introducing.Thanks again so much for your message, so nice to hear positive stories along with the reality of coming to terms with it all.xx

[OHSs]

Hello

We've been through similar situation. Microtese unsuccessful with no explanation. Chose a sperm donor and first embryo transfer worked but suffered with severe OHSS.

Seems to be easing off now as on week 11.

We couldn't be happier though. It's given us a chance to be parents

Once you've accepted this is the only opportunity you have you stick with it and if it works then it doesn't matter who's sperm you've used. We just feel very lucky and grateful