Using Donor Sperm

[Kyell2]

Hi everyone

So after a disastrous sperm retrieval operation about 6 weeks ago, using donor sperm is now our only option. We're not quite there yet but I hope that emotionally we'll get to that decision soon.

Can anyone tell me how the process works? Do we get a catalogue so that we can choose the person, do we get to know their age, education and hair colour or is it just based on skin colour?

I'm also slightly worried about my other half. I know lots of you ladies have successfully used donor eggs, but that seems a bit different as you then get to grow the baby inside you, as a part of you. He won't really have any part in this bit of the process now and I'm terrified that he will feel left out and isolated.

Any advice would be great x

[bluewanderlust]

Hi

Can I just ask what happened during SSR? Its just that I know other ladies have had their partners try this more than once and been successful xx

[Kyell2 in reply to bluewanderlust]

Unfortunately we have no change of improving my partners sperm because he isn't making any so no point in another SSR.

He has a rare genetic chromosome issue (only found when we couldn't conceive)and they discovered Sertoli cell only syndrome, both mean that his sperm production has been interrupted. Pretty rubbish since he has never drank alcohol, smoked or taken drugs. We have just been very unlucky in the genetic lottery 😞

[Spottydog444]

Hello

I'm currently on my 2ww with my own egg and donor sperm. My husband was not able to have children due to having testicular cancer. We have used donor sperm and we were only shown a selection of 3 due to a lack of donors on the NHS due to the rule change that they can be found when the child turns 18. You can pay a sperm bank to have a better selection but it is roughly £1000 a shot.

If you are using a donor on the NHS we had to attend compulsory counselling sessions so this might help you come to terms with it. Our attitude is it takes more than sperm to become a dad. I strongly believe it is the participation in the child's life that counts and not the genetics. If you have any questions and I can help in anyway then just message me. Good luck x x

[Kyell2 in reply to Spottydog444]

Thank you. We are probably going to do it privately due to waiting lists.

Do you mind me asking from the 3 choices you had of donor, how did you decide? What are the criteria?

I also agree that it takes more than sperm to make a dad, I just worried he'll feel left out.

Great news that you are in your 2WW. I hope the waiting isn't too bad 😀

[Spottydog444 in reply to Kyell2]

You will have a much broader choice if you go private.

We got told basic things like skin colour, eye and hair colour, height, weight, occupation, level of education, hobbies and interests. Also a genetic profile of any illnesses which were all clear.

Yeah I think it is a worry of mine too to be honest but I think just so long as they have plenty of opportunity to be hands on and time to bond they will be fine. Your baby won't know any different and will always call them daddy so that will help. We have said we will be honest from day one if we do have a baby and tell them but that's personal choice I guess.

I wish you the best of luck on your journey 🍀 x x

[Kyell2 in reply to Spottydog444]

Thank you so much. That's really helpful.

Good luck with the rest of your wait, I'll look out for your updates on how you are getting on and keep my fingers crossed for you x

[Spottydog444 in reply to Kyell2]

Thank you. If you have any more questions or I can help in any way then just message me any time x x

[Tara2016]

Hi Kyell,

Sorry to hear of your experience. We are also going to try sperm donor after a failed ICSI and FET. We don't know the cause of my OH's sperm issues however after much consideration we decided there was no point in investigating the cause because it seems that there isnt anything that can be done to fix significant sperm issues, unless linked with lifestyle and general health. It was actually my OH that decided about sperm donor first. He came the conclusion that his sperm was not going to work and did not want us to go through more stress trying to make it work. I was the one who found the decision more difficult, partly because, like you, I was worried about how he would bond with the child and how this would affect his relationship.

However, he said, if further treatment with him didnt work, we would still go down the sperm donor route so why delay the inevitable? Parents bond with children regardless where they come from, so I think these are worries that we just need to put at the back of our mind and deal with if they arise in the future.

Regarding the process, we are going overseas (not allowed to say where) however we can choose our sperm from anywhere really. We are interested in a particular sperm bank and they will order it directly. You get to see a full profile of age, hair, skin, education, interests, height, employment etc

Sorry this message was a bit longwinded but hope it helps xxx

[Kyell2]

Hi Tara, that must have been a big decision for you both to make but you gave it your best shot and had two tries. Your OH sounds like he made the best decision for you both.

I find it so interesting that we can choose so much about the donor, I suppose we could chose someone of the same build and hair colour as my OH. Do you mind me asking why you are going abroad, is there more choice?

[Filmgirl101]

There are plenty of clinics for Sperm donors. Go through a counselling session with him. Have him select the donor. He'll be holding your hand when the fertilised egg gets put back in you! If that's not the Dad's role, then I don't know what is!

If it anonymity laws he's worried about, there are plenty of countries where donors are anonymous forever (unless a medical situation arises)

Denmark is very good. It's where we made our daughter (cheaper too and a fun city) and Czech Republic where our current embryos are...

it's sad, scary and early days. In time after you've recovered from the shock of the results you'll be able to make clearer decisions. Big hug!

And if you wanted, you can order sperm online and try inseminating yourselves... it arrives from a clinic, in a dry ice pack... but you have to time your cycle really well!

[Kyell2 in reply to Filmgirl101]

Hi, thank you so much for your reply. It makes it a bit easier knowing everyone else's experiences.

I know he'll be fine, it's just I don't want him to feel left out because the child isn't biologically his.

We aren't too worried about the fact that the child could know who their biological father is, like spottydog we wouldn't keep it from them and be honest. Only a few family and close friends know our situation but if they know then I think any baby we hopefully have should know too.

Thanks again, lots to think about! x

[Hidden]

Hi, Reading your post has been very informative, I have been diagnosed with Sertoli Cell Only Syndrome, I am still coming to terms with it, I have had an idea for a number of years that something was wrong but my ex partner didn't want children so I didn't go any further, when I met my wife we decided early on that we wanted a family so I went for all the tests and then a biopsy 5 weeks ago, results came back yesterday. I am really struggling to find a mans perspective on this, how they overcome the fears of being a dad to a child not biologically theirs, their apprehension of using a donor, did you give yourself time to think about everything before finally making the decision. My head is swimming at the moment and really feel all alone, my wife is helping by listening to me and giving her view but she has said she will never fully understand how I am feeling, she wishes she could and wants to help me, she truly is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I so desire a family with her. We are going down the private route but nobody has really spoken about the donor route, they have said it may be our only option but thats it, we are seeing our consultant next week and worried we will walk in and he will say yes or no what you doing, in all honesty I am really really scared of where we go from here.

[Filmgirl101 in reply to Hidden]

Just remember any route you choose makes that child equally yours. My husband was holding my hand during egg collection and when they transferred it back in. He was there for every injection and scan. Without him holding my hand every step of the way, our child wouldn't be here.