So we’ve been through 3 cycles of ivf, all resulting in bfns. We made the decision to stop after the 3rd one resulted in a bfn on Monday. I haven’t changed my mind. The cycles were brutal both physically and emotionally. However I just can’t seem to accept it. I cried on Monday for a bit but then seemed to shut myself off. Tonight the floodgates are well and truly opened. I’m sobbing my heart out at the thought of never being a mummy.
The annoying thing is I wasn’t overly worried about having children until I met my husband at 27. He’s the only man I’ve ever truly loved (other my daddy of course). Since I met him 10 years ago all I’ve wanted to do is get married, have children and grow old together. It’s killing me that we can’t have a baby. We are both good people with good hearts, good jobs, amazing families. We would give a baby so much love it’s hard to understand why it’s not happening for us but happens for people who don’t even look after their children.
Also it doesn’t help that my sister in law is pregnant and due the middle of May.
Any advice on how to cope and move forward? Xxx
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Can I ask if you have thought about embryo adoption abroad? Or if it’s something you would consider? I changed my mindset and realised I wasn’t going to have a genetic child but I definitely want a family. That was important to me not the genetic material of a child. I know thts not for everyone but the option is there....
If that’s a no then only time will help you. Honestly give yourself time and be kind to yourself xxxx
My husband and I discussed adoption but decided against it purely on the basis of time. When we looked into it they wanted us to 1 year free of any fertility treatment and then we would have to apply (a few of our friends/colleagues went thru the process and it took about 18 months) then they waited around another 2 years for their child and none of them got a baby as that would have been an even longer wait. I don’t think I could go thru another 5 years of our lives being consumed with trying to have a baby.
Sorry to jump in but if your embryos are good and the issue is with implantation...have you considered surrogate to carry your embryos? A friend of mine is doing that, as she also went through a series of BFNs with good PGA tested embryos. It's a hard pill to swallow because you won't carry the baby yourself but in the end you will have your own baby in your arms the moment it's born.
Yes I totally understand. Have a break and see where you are... there are so many options but you will know if your done. Keep talking about it and please don’t suffer in silence xxx
It’s so unfair. I think taking time to grieve (allowing yourself to be angry & sad) is important. Does your clinic offer counselling? It may be worth connecting with them to help talk through your feelings. I also think there’s a discussion board on here about life after ivf so you could try connecting with people there too? I’ve had 3 failed cycles too so understand your pain - but we still have 1 prepaid cycle to go, then will consider our other options (most likely adoption, as our friends adopted daughter is our world, though we haven’t ruled out family donor eggs too). Sending lots of love xxx
Yes I was actually considering contacting the counselling at the clinic. I didn’t know about the discussion board. I’ll have a look for that. Thank you.
I always said I wouldn’t adopt for fear of not bonding with the child but after seeing my friends and colleagues I changed my mind. It’s just the timing aspect now I just don’t think I could put another 5 years of my life into feeling like this.
I would have tried donor eggs but clinic doesn’t think that’s the issue. Wel they didn’t last time. I’ll need to wait and see what they say this time but they told me it was a great embryo. Cos I asked them after the second time if we should consider donor eggs cos I was 37 and they said no. It’s a minefield.
Fingers crossed for this 4th go for you. I really hope you get your wee miracle baby. Xxxx
Have you considered surrogacy, or had more extensive testing on sperm? Sometimes sperm issues are overlooked. I did 5 own egg rounds and all the associated transfers then a donor round, before making more donor embryos with my sisters eggs and using surrogacy. Best thing we ever did ❤️
I also found reading “how to fail” by Elizabeth Day really useful, as well as her podcasts. She talks about failed ivf (as well as failed marriage/ friendships) and about living a life that is different to what you planned on living. It really helped me while going through ivf. There’s also no need to rush into making a decision about alternative forms of family building like adoption either. Having alternative plans helps me cope so I spend evenings reading up on adoption forums, sibling donor egg sites etc and imagine/visualise my life with families created through alternative means too. There’s lots of adoption forums where adoptees discuss issues around bonding that you may find useful.
I’m a similar age to you and also have “great”embryos so have no idea what is going on with our failed cycles - though I do understand embryos can look good but not contain the right genetic info, so maybe it’s that 🤷♀️ Sometimes I get so envious of people who don’t have to go through this process, I cry. Posting here and talking to a counsellor can really help.
Hey I just wanted to say I am a lot older but in a similar position. I met my OH later in life and we’ve been TTC for 5 or 6 years. We’ve lost 6 pregnancies and had 6 rounds of IVF (2 chemicals one MMC) and we’ve been told old eggs give up
Everyone has adoption and donor eggs as a suggestion but I always feel like it’s a flippant response because I feel like it’s people not realising the gravity of the not having your own egg baby situation - I know it’s well meaning but not a fix to my current problem
I also have spent the last six months screaming ITS NOT FAIR and ITS A
MISTAKE to everyone and every thing - how does everyone else on this forum get their miracle and I don’t
I read a great book ‘living a life unexpected’ which really helped me, and I signed up to NHS talking therapies that really helped me as well
My sister is due her second in three weeks, it’s very hard - so I hear you about your sister in law
I am not fixed by any means but I am starting to see there is life beyond children and IVF, just a few chinks of light and still so much anger and frustration - and jealousy- but I think we will be ok
Feel free to PM me if you want to chat - think we have messaged before xxx
DE is no means a flippant decision but a choice that once we decided was the best thing we did as we are now the family we desperately wanted. We don’t even think about my sons genetics now he’s here I gave birth to him and made him we are soooo lucky 🥰 just putting it out there for those considering it 👍
So glad you got your family, and I totally agree it’s a great option for people and something we are still thinking about. I guess I was trying to highlight that everyone has an answer when people say they are giving up and sometimes you just need people to say ‘so sorry’ rather than always have a solution. ‘Go donor’ is a really really valid suggestion but as I am sure you know it takes time to get your head around the idea of never having your own egg baby, and I personally found the constant solutions almost made the enormity of what I was going through insignificant. Particularly at the time my OH was anti donor and we have been told we are too old for adoption
So glad it worked for you and now I am out of that dark cloud (most days) I can see it’s a very viable and exciting next step xx
Oh yes I get you now apologies I think I got the wrong vibe from your post. I totally get it I just wanted to moan and people say yes it’s so sh*t what you are going through and not give an opinion on what to do! Adoption was always suggested and also I had 2 friends offer to carry a baby for me (as lovely as the suggestion was they didn’t understand there was nothing wrong with me carrying a baby it was getting ‘the baby’ in me to start with!) 🙄😂
Oh i’m so sorry to hear this 💕 i don’t have any words of widsom as I’m yet to start Ivf. Maybe give yourself some time to heal and you will see how you feel.
I am sorry that you are struggling through this process but i would say step back and get some counseling so that you can find a happy place. I did notice you say your embryos are good, maybe you can get someone to carry the embryo for you being that your body is not respond as you would like. At the end of the day the child is genetically both you and your husband its just that its toted by someone. Good luck
I'm so sorry lovely there really are no words. I know this may not be on your mind at all, but definitely take a break, take some time for yourselves and to think about what you want. Have you had your follow up with your clinic? Perhaps if you felt you weren't quite ready to stop a change of clinic maybe a good idea. It was the best thing we did. We paid for an access fertility package for 2 full cycles and went with care fertility. I can't recommend them enough, I feel like they went back to square 1 and changed everything up for us. I knew that 4 cycles would be my limit, and I know you know yours.Sending you lots of love and hugs at this difficult time xxx
Hi I am the same age as you and I did 5 cycles. Hasn’t been successful but I am still having hope and keep trying. I think only yourself know where is the limit, I was like you to feel it is really unfair after my 7th transfer failed. You know for many things, if you really insist a lot, you usually will get it at the end, even the process could be hard but the result may be good. For our life, there will be a lot unfairness if you only look at one point or one short time line, but if compare to others for the big picture and long time, you are quite lucky because you have a good job, good family etc. Your child just could come a bit later than others. My friend only gave birth to her first child at 41. Also, there are many additional investigations to check for uterus (ERA, NK, etc.). There are many issues can be treated and the worst case you may consider surrogacy. Don’t lose hope. Your baby could still waiting for you to take him/her back home.
I’m so sorry to hear of all you have been through. IVF is a brutal rollercoaster for many of us. Unfortunately the wider world only ever seems to hear the good IVF stories - many are completely unaware of the amount of pain IVF can cause.
There are lots of fantastic comments here which I hope you have found helpful. Deciding how best to move forward might take a little time. Allow yourself to grieve and feel sad for as long as you need to.
I have had two egg collections and am due to have my fourth transfer soon. I have also decided that I will do one more cycle and then call it a day. The process is too expensive and is emotionally exhaustive. I have already been finding out lots of info about adoption which has really helped.
5 years sounds like a very long time to go through the adoption process - are you in the U.K.? Here you have to wait 6 months from finishing fertility treatment before starting the process - but you can actually get started sooner. You have to put together a file of the research you’ve done (such as reading books or watching documentaries about adoption) - and you could start that now if you wanted to. I would strongly encourage you to attend some adoption information events. I’ve attended many over the years and have found them very helpful. I know it can be hard to close the door on IVF and find the emotional energy to start a new journey...but you deserve your chance at parenthood, please don’t feel you can’t be a parent because you can. And, from what I’ve learnt, adoption looks 100 x more rewarding than IVF!! I plan to adopt even if the IVF works for us.
I could never move on... people kept telling me to give up, which quite honestly pisses me off. Only when the lightbulb goes off, can you move in.
If your sad, then I think your still not ready to move on.... I think your maybe trying to convince yourself to move on (I did it many times and it always made me sad) I could be reading it wrong, and if I am I apologise....
I can’t give advice Because I can’t give up. I met my husband at 35.... so at 41 I’m desperate....
I was older than you when I FINALLY got my miracle baby after 13 transfers, 4 miscarriages all past four months, 9 BFNs. Don’t give up! Message me if you’d like to chat but I was like you~ I just couldn’t let it go and believe with all my heart it’s because I wasn’t supposed to. Clearly neither are you~ I will pray for you, send positivity and baby dust your way! xoxo
Oh hun...I understand what you are going through. Please stay positive. Just on the basis of information I could gather from other messages, if implantation is the issue, I feel accupuncture helps alot. It helps on other issues too. Whenever you feel like and think you are in a good position to check about it, please do so. I feel it helped me too.Sending lots of love XX
Thank you. I had acupuncture on that last cycle there and unfortunately didn’t work. We have done everything we could during the 3 cycles which is why we feel the time to stop is now. It’s too much emotionally, physically and financially to keep trying when nothing we do seems to be working. Xxx
I was similar. I had natural killer cells tested. They were slightly raised. I couldn't take the drugs to lower them as we couldn't rule out that I had underlying TB. So I had a drug that transplant patients take so that they don't reject. I now have a beautiful one year old. I have no idea if it was just my time or the antireject drug. I had 3 miscarriages before and 1 after that pregnancy. I this k my immune system is too good!! I hope you find peace in your decision. My friend has just made the same decision. She talks about 'enough' - she says her life can be enough.
I had the same thoughts. After two failed cycles, it was mentally, physically, emotionally and financially draining. Those negative tests made me feel like I wasn’t but deserving. But it was all worth it once I finally got a positive test. Don’t make any decisions now. Heal first. Take some months off. If u still feel the same way, then ok but you might feel different.
Huge hugs to you. I honestly know exactly how your feeling. I’ve had so many failed cycles and last year I had what I can only describe as some kind of mini break down. After the last cycle failed I literally could not stop crying I just wanted to hide in my bed it was just awful. I ended up going to see someone to talk too and it honestly did me the world of good. Im never going to fully accept that I can’t have children it’s absolutely devastating but I’m definately getting better. I hope you are ok xxx
Thank you lovely. I have an appt with a counsellor on the 28th so hopefully that will help me at least come to terms with it. I don’t think I’ll ever accept it either but at the same time I can’t do another cycle. It will break me. I’m glad to hear you are getting better. Have you stopped treatment now? Xxxx
Speaking to someone really helped me I just let everything out, had a good cry then slept awesome after the session, it was like I needed it. The poor woman needed shares in tissues by the time I was done. Every thing I was thinking and feeling I let it all out. I hope it helps you too. Yeh we are done. I’m tired of it all now. The constant planning to get dates right, don’t drink, don’t eat this better not do that. It was just taking over, not to mention the mental health when it doesn’t work it’s just another punch in the face every time. And I dread to think how much money we have spent. It’s been a difficult decision to make but we’ve spent too many years with ivf in the front of our minds. I want to start living again xxx whatever you decide to do your not alone. I’m not childless ... I’m child free. I didn’t get up till 11am today and now I’m sitting in my pjamas watching Beethoven 😂😂 xxx life can still be good xxx keep your chin up xxx
Thank you so much. I really appreciate talking to someone who understands how I’m feeling. I had counselling when my daddy passed and I found it helped me massively so I’m hoping it will help me process my feelings with this as well. Yeh it absolutely takes over your life. Our 5 years of married life have revolved around trying to get pregnant or doing ivf or preparing for ivf. I mean I couldn’t tell you the last time my hubby and I were intimate for any other reason than “I’m ovulating” it takes the romance out of it completely. It’s so clinical! I want my life back. Yes it’s not the life I planned but it’s the life we have and I’m gonna damn well enjoy it! ❤️.
Hahaha I’ve not watched Beethoven for years. I did watch mrs doubtfire during my 2ww to make myself laugh. The old ones are the best. 😂😂. Xxxx
I honestly can’t believe how much this sounds like my life. We’ve been married since 2014 and it’s just been ... plan ivf ... do ivf ... cry... plan it again 🤦♀️ I want the spark and the fun back. I started with getting rid of my ovulation calendars and having a wee date night. I’m also gonna get a world map and pick our next holiday destination. Sometimes I actually think we are lucky in life at the same time. I met my friend last week she has 2 kids and was absolutely exhausted and pretty much tearing her hair out. I was munching on an ice cream thinking about what takeaway I was gonna get for supper 😂😂 it does get easier I promise. U just need to keep strong xxx
Thanks my darling. Yeh we’ve booked up to go to a family wedding abroad later in the year and we have gone for an amazing place that we would never have booked incase we needed the money for maternity leave. 🙈. I’m also getting rid of the ovulation calendars and taking the tracking off my Fitbit. Also getting myself back to the gym. Without being arrogant I used to have an amazing body but very little body fat cos it was all toned. My consultant recommended I stop exercising as much and get more body fat on to help my chances. My confidence and strength took a dive so I’m gonna get my body back. Didn’t mind not having it if I was gonna be a mama but if not then the body is coming back. 😂😂 xx
Go you!!!😘😘 get that beach body back. I’m the opposite, I was over weight and told to lose weight by a doctor for Ivf so I lost 5 stone but it appears that losing too much weight has done something to my hormones so they were all over the place 😂🤦♀️ Honestly it’s all a mind fuck 😂
A wedding abroad sounds fab something ace to look forward to. You guys will have an awesome time. I can’t wait to get out of lock down so we can get a wee holiday booked xxx
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