Low/No Sexual Desire

[GBB87]

Hi everyone. My wife and I have been trying to have a baby for two years now. Year 1 we tried naturally until we found out my wife had severe endometriosis, had to have her tubes removed and so year 2 was IVF. We’ve had 3 failed cycles. We’re going to keep trying and are hopeful.

Since her tubes were removed we can’t get pregnant naturally so sex isn’t a “chore” since it’s not part of our effort to conceive. However, over the last year given all the treatments, surgery, tests, preparation for treatments etc. that my wife has gone through, her sexual desire has been pretty much zero. I fully understand (to the extent that I can) the effects of the hormones and physical discomfort that she’s had to endure. Nevertheless her complete loss of libido and the grinding halt of our sex life is very concerning to me. I understand it’s a combination of the physical and psychological effects of this whole process but I feel we can’t allow it to be so drastic a change. I love my wife more than anything and I fear the long term effects it could have on us as a couple.

Please share your experiences and how you’ve managed this if you can relate. Thank you all.

[JenRoy]

I honestly think it is a very common issue in couples going through fertility treatment. I’m on another fertility forum just for women and someone recently posted about lack of sex drive and libido. So many women replied saying they felt the same way.

It’s so complex. There’s the effect of hormones and all the physical changes. But it’s also the psychological impact. Going through fertility tests and treatment is brutal mentally and physically. Its hard to describe how it changes you forever. I don’t think of myself the same any more. There’s a feeling that my body has failed me. I feel less feminine and unattractive. And the enjoyment of sex has gone after years of “trying” with no success.

All I can say is it will take time, patience and understanding.

My husband and I did couples therapy which helped us to understand each other’s feelings but also give us ways to manage things. It definitely helped. But we’re still not there yet. Especially after more recent failures.

But we love each other and have stayed strong. We just keep talking to, listening and supporting to each other.

The more your wife knows you’re there no matter what she will begin to feel stronger.

And try not to pressure her as she’ll be feeling guilty and anxious which makes things worse.

Wishing you all the best. Stay strong 💪 x

[Hidden]

Can’t add much more than what JenRoy said as very wise words.

I feel very different about my body, intimacy etc since IVF and also have lost a lot of my life mojo in general and joie de vivre - things feel very hopeless sometimes so the last thing I feel is up for anything more than a bath and my bed. I too feel like I’ve failed, sex became a bit of a chore always trying every month at peak time when not IVF’ing and my body has so many weird scars and aches and pains it never used to have I just feel really unattractive

Things will improve I am sure with time, just keep talking but agree no pressure on her

[Wishingforabump]

I think you should sit with your wife and talk these things through .. let ur feelings out and as long as u love each other u will come to an understanding and work through things .. fertility treatment is so hard on a woman in so many ways .. i am through my 3rd cycle with severe endo as well and i gained 10kg in 2 months everytime i look in the mirror i cry i feel im the ugliest most unattractive woman there is . But i also admire my body so much for putting up with this rollercoaster it is going thru .. just give her time she is a strong woman and hope you work things out

[nT455]

I agree with the sentiments written in previous posts. The pressure of having to perform on the ovulation days had a negative impact on our libido. For me it has also been juggling trying to get pregnant with work. Ive been told I need to sleep more and de-stress. Plus knowing that we have very slim chances of getting pregnant naturally made me think what is the point of sex. It's awful but with so much else going on it just takes a back seat. However what helped us was having two weeks off during Christmas and not doing anything at all. We ended up having lots of bedroom time This reinforced the fact that we both haven't lost the desire to have sex with each other, but that we just have to actively spend time reconnecting to get past work and IVf stress. After that we started our only IVf cycle and although I felt OK throughout it, the bloatiness and emotional toll it took on my body and mind had an impact on our sex life again. I've only now, a month after, started to feel back to normal. I agree that you shouldn't pressure her but perhaps having a chat about it might help. Wish you two all the best in your journey!