Just had my first round of IVF. OTD is tomorrow but I couldn't sleep last night and had the overwhelming feeling that it didn't work so I tested at 5am and BFN. Despite knowing the chances of it working first time were low I still had hope and we are both devastated. It has crushed me - more than I thought it would. I think the worse part is the heart-breaking feeling that I will never be pregnant and my body is always going to let me down. I have never had a whiff of a second line on a pregnancy test and it seems that medical intervention can't even help. I know so many of you have gone through so much worse than me and I shouldn't complain but it is just so hard. How do you pick yourself up for another round and find hope that it may work one day?
Sending lots of love to you all in this hard time xx
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Jane8412
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I'm so sorry you are in the same crappy boat with me! I hope you have a good support network to get you through this awful time. It really is the worse. I want to remain hopeful for the future but the thought of going through this multiple times and having this crushing disappointment every time is awful.
If it helps, I’m focusing on enjoying some drinks, seeing family soon and getting myself back into a good exercise routine, getting my hair done next week etc. You have to put a lot of things you enjoy on hold during treatment so I’m going to focus on getting joy from those little things. Think that’s my only way of seeing some sort of shitty silver lining. Another Christmas without even being pregnant is not feeling great 😢 xx
That really does help thanks. Quite a few things I have put off that I can do now, I have the worst hair right now and need it coloured so i can sort that out once Covid restrictions change and the hairdressers open again. Small things.Joy from the little things sounds like a great plan. xx
Take the time you need to process it, spend time doing exactly what you want whether that's time with partner or family and friends or alone, do things you couldn't do if you were pregnant eg. glass of wine, go out for walks or do some yoga or whatever it is that is your thing.
You will get there. Hopefully the drs will learn something from this round that they can change for next time to make it a successful round for you both.
Be kind to yourselves and take it easy.
Lots of love and hugs x here if you want to talk x
Thank you for your kind words and advice. I think lots of walks sound great to clear my head. It is my birthday on Sunday so at least I can have a birthday drink after 3 months teetotal :-)Will speak to the clinic tomorrow and get booked in for a follow up appointment. Hopefully that will give me something to look forward to. x
Ah yes good plan and hope you have a nice birthday despite the negative. You never know what's round the corner and this birthday may be your last before having a baby.
Sounds good, I always found having a follow up appt and plan for next steps helped too. Xx
I’m so sorry to hear about your BFN 😔 I don’t have much advice as the same only happened to me on Friday and I’ve been a mess ever since. Exactly the same thoughts have been in my head too along with the overwhelming guilt I can’t seem to give my husband the one thing he’s so desperate for. He would be an amazing Dad. I even feel guilty for the dog because he loves kids! 🙈😂 he watches them play out the window and looks longingly between them and me as if to say “please mum? Can I play too?!” Yesterday I started to feel a tiny bit better by making plans to change clinic and have managed to make an appointment elsewhere (the issues with my clinic are more to do with the whole nightmare journey we have been on rather than the fact it was a BFN, I just need a fresh start). I think it is feeling like I’ve regained a little control which has helped me to process things. Having to wait so long for a follow up appt is hard. AF has arrived with a vengeance this morning and that has been another kick in the teeth. I don’t think I’ll do another Christmas time transfer again - I think that makes it harder. Sending hugs to everyone going through this and hoping our time will come soon. It does feel like there have been far more BFNs over the last week than BFPs on here... xx
I'm so sorry Goldie. It really is the absolute worse. So much hope and then crushing disappointment. It really does take it out of you. I feel your pain on the guilt side of things. My partner is very supportive but I feel so bad that it is my body letting us down. He would never make me feel bad about it but I can't help feeling like such a failure. Sounds like changing clinics is a really positive step for you. I hope that the new one is much more positive. I am hopeful that my clinic will actually look into the issues I have rather than just go with the same protocol again. I will be going private after my first and only round on the NHS so will be interesting to see if my treatment remains the same or is different now I will be paying a small fortune.
Sending you lots of love to get you through this tough time. I hope you manage to enjoy your Christmas and 2021 is a much better year xx
Oh I am so sorry to hear that 😔From my experience what helped me the most to move forward was to plan next steps and try to improve next cycle. It is something that gives you hopes and something to look forward, it will definitely keep your mind away from the negative outcome.
It is a very difficult time and I understand you perfectly. My OTD was exactly on my birthday and I was so upset that I had another chemical. Birthday wishes wasn't what I wanted to receive that day, I was thinking that it would have been the best ever gift to have...
Wow- life really does know how to kick you when you are already down! OTD on your birthday would have been amazing if it was positive but so cruel when not. I am sorry you had to go through that. I am a planner so will definitely take your advice to plan the next steps. Hopefully we can have a follow up with the doctor in January and go from there. Thank you xx
Hi Jane, I'm so sorry you have been through this,last week my result was negative too it was my first FET ,I'm hopeful for the next round but same time scrad😔😪.
Thank you ashalez. I am sorry your first FET did not work. It really is such a hard process. I hope we both have more success next round. Have you thought about your plans yet for the next cycle or are you having a break? Sending lots of hugs to you too xx
3 years into this journey and I should have a really good answer but I don't! What I will say though is that sometimes I read old posts from 1-3 years ago and when I look at their most recent post it is more often than not (in fact, almost always) about the birth of their first baby. All of these women who were convinced it just wasn't going to happen for them.. And it did. I have been convinced for a long time that maybe pregnancy just isn't for me, that maybe I'm 'that one woman that just can't have kids'. I've said to my mum so many times - why do you think it's a certainty that I can have children? But then... I got pregnant, and I'm currently 11 weeks in and all going OK... So far. I know I still have a long way to go, and my anxiety is through the roof, but for the first time ever I actually feel like this could be it. I have cried MANY tears over the last 3 years, and felt exactly how you feel now, so much so that it has pretty much consumed my life for the entirety of those 3 years. There are so many women on here who have felt what you're feeling too. But I guess all I wanted to say is to just be kind to yourself. If I've learnt anything over the last year or so it's that as tough as these setbacks are, you do get over them and it is literally just a case of pick yourself up and get back on it. I will admit, my third ivf cycle I was just going through the motions and I did just feel numb with it all, but I got over the disappointment quickly because i've been there, done it before. It really is just a matter of ploughing through it until you get that little beacon of light. I always found the waiting around in between cycles to be the worst, just feels like time is ticking away constantly. Like I said, it's not really a good answer but its the most honest I have. ALSO, just to say: science is crazy! I did not realise how much doctors can learn from bloods, and I definitely did not realise how many tests there are for infertility. It really is insane what they can do now. You might never have been pregnant, but there could be a point when you are told to take a certain drug or go for a certain test... And suddenly it all just clicks. For me, it was getting my nk cells tested. For you, it could be one of 100 different things. There are doctors out there who have dedicated their lives to helping women like you and I. But like I said, in the meantime, be kind to yourself. It might not feel like it now, but things will get better xx
Thank you Zebedee- that is such an encouraging post. I do have this awful feeling like maybe my body just can't get pregnant and being a mother is not on the cards for me. And then I worry that those kinds of negative thoughts are detrimental and make things even worse. Almost like thinking those things is what is making the embryo not stick. Crazy I know. But like you said, many women have been in my exact position and thought similar thoughts. And a lot of them end up with successful pregnancies. I am so happy to hear that you are pregnant and it is going well. The positive stories from other women do really keep me going. I really appreciate what you say about the process consuming your life. With Covid as well I feel like this year has been all about TTC for me and nothing else (apart from an insane amount of netflix). The waiting is really tough and I do feel like time is ticking away, especially with my low egg reserve.
I really hope there is some thing they can test for that will help my situation. I did feel like the first round was a very general protocol so hoping they will be happy looking into a couple of issues I think I have (low testosterone and DHEA and questionable TSH levels).
Thank you for your support. Really appreciate your detailed response xx
Stupid as it sounds, I got pregnant when I'd pretty much given up. The last ivf cycle was just horrendous. Our two embryos came back abnormal so we couldn't even put them back in. I had to go to all the scans on my own and I felt distant from my other half, like I was doing it all on my own. My body was destroyed by the last ivf, stomach was massively bloated and the ohss pills they gave me made me violently sick. I remember just sitting there dreading starting over again. I was really at rock bottom.. One thing that has really helped is getting a dog. I'm not saying this is the answer (!!) but he really helped to distract me. Especially in the early days. I was so busy picking up poo I couldn't even think about ivf. Then after the crappy ivf round we had, just being able to love this beautiful little creature filled me with joy. Then it just happened. I got pregnant and I was like - what? That was easy? Why, after 3 years of hell, is this happening now? My theory is that someone up in the clouds just looked down and was like-- damn, I think we've nearly broken her, let's give her a baby before she jumps off a cliff. Or something like that. I have my fingers crossed you find an answer as to why you're not getting pregnant. There will be something, I'm sure of it. It just means a lot of waiting, uncertainty, stress and all sorts of other crappy emotions while you wait for your little rainbow baby. Good luck 🌈🤞❤️
I have dreamed about having a dog! I live in a flat in London so don't think it would be fair on the pup unfortunately. One day I will move to somewhere with a garden and make my pup dreams come true :-)So happy to read it finally happened for you. I need to find that hope but my brain is being so negative right now. I think I just need to process the feelings and then the positivity will come back gradually. Thank you x
Oh Jane I'm so sorry to hear this, I'm a bit behind you as I'm not testing until Monday so I don't have the answers but you will find the strength and so many lovely people here to help pick you, X x z
Hi Jane, so sorry to hear this ❤️ I was in this exact same situation three weeks ago, my first round also. I woke up early and tested to get a BFN.
I had started to bleed as well so explained this to the nurse when I went for my blood test and explained I knew it had failed. Something she told me which helped me was your first round is kind of trial and error (they probably don't say this before you start as doesn't sound so great) There is no way of knowing how your body will react to the drugs etc. So a positive is they are then able to use all of your results from your first round, to alter your second and hopefully get better results.
I felt so down after my BFN it really consumed me, in fact I posted the exact same question to this group. 3 weeks on I still feel upset and have my moments, but time really is a healer and you will start to slowly pick yourself up and look to the future.
I found this group has really helped me, reading through peoples experiences and picking up tips on supplements etc, something I didn't really try in my first round.
It may not feel like it now but you will get through it and I really hope we both get our BFP's one day xxx
I am so sorry. It really is so upsetting. Glad to hear time is a healer. So many strong women on this site who have been through so much. I have started to spot as well so I guess that was a giveaway too. Since I came off the pill I have started spotting 2-3 days before my period is due so i have always known I wasn't pregnant, which has been really disappointing. I thought the progesterone would stop that for this IVF cycle but I still started spotting despite taking pessaries 3 times a day. I guess that is something to add to the list of questions for the doctor.
Thanks for your support and I really hope we both get there one day xx
I'm so sorry. From my experience it never gets easier. I've had failed FET, miscarriage at 8 weeks and now again at 5. You get through it because you have to. You are strong. You will surprise yourself at how you will cope. Speak to your people that surround you, get counselling, do all the things pregnant women can't do. Back in August I went to Croatia with all my pals and had a holiday like we were 22 again. Book something like that or a getaway- treat yourself. Most importantly, put yourself first.
Thanks Jojolou. I am so sorry for your losses. I can only imagine how painful it is to lose your babies. Especially after all we go through to get pregnant. It is so unfair. I'm really impressed by your strength.I like your suggestion of putting myself first. Your Croatia trip sounds amazing. Hopefully in 2021 we will be allowed to travel overseas again. xx
I'm so sorry to hear this. Sending you a big virtual hug. Look after yourself and hopefully when you are ready you will be able to plan your next steps. Xxx
Morning lovey, So sorry 😞 the pain isn’t something you can prepare for & it comes it waves , allow yourself to grieve . The ladies on here literally picked me up off the floor in September when our ivf failed ... sending you love & strength your not alone 💗
Thank you. You are so right about not being able to prepare for it. I thought I was prepared for it not to work first round but it has hit me like a tonne of bricks. I'm so sorry your IVF failed as well. I see you are planning to go to Greece for DE in January. I really hope all goes well for you. Such a stressful process to go through without adding Covid into the mix. I will be thinking of you xx
Thank you 🙏🏽 I promise you the intense pain does ease but only if you let yourself feel whatever you need , I was so angry then numb then the tears came. Please look after yourself , rest up & be loved xxx
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