So today my mum arranged for us to go for a walk so she could tell me one Of my brothers wives was pregnant (I’ve been trying nearly 4 years with two losses and they’ve been trying two months ). It’s the first grandchild in a big family. I did cry but overwhelmed I literally just ran off. I ran away 😭. Now I’m dreading Christmas with baby excitement for them. The whole family knows my situation and I’m so embarrassed that everyone is worrying about my feelings. I feel like I just want to pretend I’m poorly and not go to my mums for Xmas. I feel terrible. So ashamed I can’t do this and so ashamed that I’ve ran away from my mum and been crying all day because I’m so jel of my sister in law I can’t cope.
There’s no point to this. I just want to share with people that understand.
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Maryc32
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Aww you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. I’m sure your mum understood & I’m sure her heart breaks for you.
You’re feelings are valid and I’m sure everyone on here has felt this way when faced with this situation - I know I have.
We had been trying for years and my brother called me to tell me his wife was pregnant - he was so excited - was the first grandchild too..that I thought I would give my parents.
I was so caught off guard to hear his announcement, I started crying and he had to console me!! I’ve never forgiven myself for that reaction.
But, It’s okay for your first reaction to be sadness for yourself, because why wouldn’t it, it hurts so very much and people that haven’t been through this can’t possible fathom how news like this hurts us.
You have to protect your heart and if you feel you can’t deal with Xmas with them all then don’t do it. They’re you’re family and they will understand. Why don’t you meet up with your brother and try and break the ice abit when you feel ready? Maybe it will make you feel better about going.
Do know that it will get easier to be around your family and when you meet your niece or nephew you will love them so much.
I really feel for you, I’m the older sister and tried for 6 years and 6 rounds of ivf. My sister did one ivf and it worked first time. I did find it hard to enjoy my sister’s pregnancy until the very end. You do need to congratulate them, then wait a few days, then It might be worth saying to them that you are so happy for them, but it doesn’t stop the sadness for yourself, so can they maybe not make it a big focus of Christmas so that you can all feel relatively normal. Xx
Oh Mary, I’m so so sorry to read this. I can relate a lot to what you’ve said. We’d been trying for a while and had started fertility treatment when my younger brother messaged me to say him and his gf had accidentally gotten pregnant whilst she was on the pill. I was so upset, I had assumed we would be the ones to have the first grandchild as I am the older sibling and we had already been trying for over a year. To go through losses as well really adds to the pain, so it’s no wonder you feel so miserable. Sadly I was going through a mc when their baby turned 1, so couldn’t attend his party. I felt so low. It’s very painful. You’re not alone in how you feel. All I can say is your lil one won’t be loved any less when they arrive (which they will). If you need a low key Christmas, do what feels right for you. Blame Covid if you need. It sounds as though your mum was as sensitive to you as she could be, so that’s good. When I met my nephew, I thought he was the best and am so glad he came into our family. I hope you’ll feel the same. Sending lots of love xxx
That’s ok. Be strong. Not everyone will have the same life and every family has different problem. Either money, job, relationship or like us for the babies. We tried for 4 years with 2 miscarriages and 2 chemical pregnancies. My friends my family members even announced 2nd babies many times. I understand your feelings, imagine they all have 2 kids but we don’t even have 1! But our rainbow baby will arrive finally. Be strong and good luck.
I’m so sorry. I think I would’ve run away too if I were in your situation today! I also know what you mean about feeling embarrassed/ashamed about them worrying. My younger sisters baby (the first grandchild) was born a few months ago so will be her first Christmas, all whilst everyone is feeling sorry for me with another empty year passing me by. Feel sad but stay strong xx
Sending you a big hug, Mary. I completely understand how you feel. I think you just have to do what’s right for you in this situation...that might be putting on a brave face (whilst trying to hold back tears) or it may be staying at home and just enjoying some me time to get your head around everything. Having been in your shoes, every day is different. Sometimes I can face tricky situations and others I can’t. I’ve been ‘ill’ for many a baby shower. I really hope you have your own positive baby news very soon. Xx
Hun, you have absolutely nothing to feel ashamed of! Infertility is cruel on so many levels but I especially hated people feeling sorry for me when they got pregnant, it made me feel like a complete failure! I was never jealous of the actual babies as I always had the mindset of its my own baby I want not anyone else's but I was eaten up with jealously at every single pregnancy announcement. If you don't feel up to it this Christmas, just do what's right for you. I'd be honest with your Mum about the reason as I think she will get it. I just wanted to add I have 2 nephews from my younger brother who I absolutely love beyond words & even though I was struggling with infertility I'm so glad I was a big part of their early years & have a good relationship with them. The youngest one was 12 by the time I actually managed to have my little one & he is the perfect cousin. Also my parents love & care for my child just as much as they do my oldest nephew, their first Grandchild. I didn't get my baby til I was 42 so was the last of a big group of cousins to be a Mum & some of my friends even welcomed Grandchildren before my son was born! I hope you get your happy ending soon but just go with what you feel is best for you until then & never let anyone or yourself make you feel bad in the mean time. xx
Where do I begin? 😔 I completely understand xx I've had a similar experience too. I had to endure the news thrust upon me of my sister in laws news (a natural pregnancy after trying just once)...and I'm sat there fighting back tears after having done 5 gruelling rounds of ivf and having had 3 miscarriages at this stage 😔...for the whole 9 months it was actually torture. I chose not to go to the baby shower and every conversation in the family was about her pregnancy and how excitingit was. For me? I actually had very dark thoughts and feelings, to the point I almost felt like throwing in the towel 😥 then her baby was born...it got no easier, going to see them at the hospital was no different, I sobbed walking to the ward and had to somehow suppress my utter heartbreak and hold a baby I just didn't want to hold. A year on and I still struggle with this. We've now done 7 rounds of IVF. His family just do not understand or show any kind of empathy. So, I do get where you are coming from. Personally, I would spend Christmas where YOU want to. Worry about you, and sometimes you have to hide away to protect your heart xxx lots of love xx
100% understand. Finding out my brothers gf was expecting the first grandchild is still one of the hardest parts of my journey!
I was devastated for oh so many reasons which Im sure you understand. I will say it gets easier.. When the baby arrives. You will love that little mite more than anything.
I wont lie and say all the hurt, jealousy etc goes away but it is so so much more bearable when theres a little one to snuggle.
Its hard, and don't be ashamed to show that its hard xx
I m really sorry for you and I completely understand what you are feeling.. Don't be ashamed because it is not in our hands to have babies it is all God's will. In right time he will give us babies I m also Tring for 12 years it is a very long time every one can understand but honestly speaking I never jealous from anyone who got children I always pray for their children and after that pray for myself so alhamdullah Allah listen our prayers and respond us and choose best time for best children.. Never lose hope always be hopeful and pray for yourself just pray pray and pray and try to be happy in happiness of your dears and others I know it is very hard but when u take a step it will relive you because worrying and annoying disturb our hormones and make our struggle futile. Make sure that no one can steel our fate.. In next year you have baby inshallah. 💖
Oh I’m so sorry to hear this but please know your feelings are valid and your reaction normal.
My parents already have grandchildren (I’ve two older siblings) but I felt it was my turn .. we’ve been trying a few years and we got married last July and then I fell pregnant in January but miscarried that baby. After lots of tests, we were told we would need IVF ICSI and then that failed for us (first round). Just before I was about to start, my little sister told me (through her own tears) that she was pregnant.
The worst bit was, she wasn’t even trying! She was on the pill, she just got so drunk, was sick and she’s now nearly 18/19 weeks pregnant.
It’s been SO hard to be okay about this. I’m supportive of her, but I can’t see her and I talk and cry to my mum about how hurt I am about it. It’s not fair. Why do I have to go through so much heartache and she gets a healthy baby she didn’t want? I hate writing that, it makes me sound awful but I also know that these complex feelings I have towards my sisters pregnancy are real and they are very valid.
I was also the same with my bestfriend when she told me about her twins (she fell pregnant after one month of trying, with twins!!). I cried for two days straight in bed. I couldn’t see her for months, and when I did I had to mentally prepare hard for it. When she gave birth (last week), I cried again. She keeps posting adorable baby photos in a private group which I’m having to just ignore because it hurts my heart right now and I have to protect my own mental health.
My sister was amazing, she knew I may need space and she’s been very sensitive about it. My parents and siblings have as well. My mum said my sister wants to talk to me about baby stuff, but we don’t do much of that. I ask her how she is and get her to send me scans but that’s my choice - she doesn’t throw it on me.
I wish it wasn’t like that, but I think anyone who is struggling on their own fertility journey will have similar feelings. So please be kind to yourself.
You could try talk to your mum, explain how it’s made you feel and that you just need time and your space. You can be happy for someone and be hurt for yourself at the same time - those feelings can coexist. It doesn’t make you a bad person, it makes you a person with a broken heart fighting your own battle - those around you who love and support you will understand that.
Sending you big hugs (and so sorry this is a long message) xxxx
I'm really sorry to hear what your going through.All these feelings are perfectly normal. I really feel for you.
After I had a missed miscarriage a old school friend told me that she was pregnant with her second child, after having a baby five months ago, saying how she didn't plan getting pregnant again so quickly, it was such a shock for her. She then asked me if I was pregnant, my heart broke, I was really jealous if her. When she said this. If only she knew how lucky she was to get pregnant again so quickly is a blessing and not something to moan and groan about.
The day I went to back to work my colleague started talking about her first pregnancy and she became pregnant again very quickly after that, but she had an abortion. I sort of lost it then I burst out crying, she looked at me and said "I'm sorry I shouldn't have mentioned it."
This happened to me very similar I thought I was pregnant and went to a bbq where they announced it and I was very overwhelmed not even an hour later went to the toilet and wiped of course period had come full flow. I was angry devestated jealous and really resentful. However I did not let it get to me I was so determined that I was going to have my own I kept going and going and going through misses , non viable and finally had my dear son 6 years ago I'm currently bfp very early days but I want you to cry and scream and do whatever you need to do but don't feel ashamed because it just goes to show how amazing of a momma you will be hopefully one day. I send you all the best wishes and if u don't want to see anyone for xmas then don't honestly I didn't go to family things and I didn't care what they said or thought because I was totally focused on myself and my husband which my lovely you should be too ❤️❤️❤️❤️ xxxxx
I know how you feel ... trying for 3 years and just found out my best friend is pregnant same day i got my BFN ! It’s very hard to cope but it’s okay to cry and let your feelings out .. there is nothing to be ashamed of we never chose to struggle with fertility and it is definitely not our fault ... you are a warrior and a strong person.. Being a mom or not will never define our importance .. sending you lots of love and hugs
Oh sweetheart, not surprised at all you feel like that. It's a completely understandable reaction. Never feel embarrassed at the heartache of infertility - it's such an emotive area and you are constantly reminded every day by friends and family who are having their own kids. Hugs xx
This is so tough but such a normal reaction - don’t feel any shame or embarrassment! I’ve been exactly where you are. In the end I spoke to my brother and explained how I was feeling and that although I loved him and was happy for them, I was so envious and that made me feel sad. We were really open and agreed on a way forward where he would let me know in a text in advance of any news and not spring anything on me. I also explained that I might not always respond to baby related texts depending on my emotions that day. It was definitely easier having lock down though as I don’t think I could have seen my SiL actually pregnant. Seriously - do what’s right for you at Christmas - but try and turn it into a positive decision so you don’t feel sad or bad about not being there. You could just want a Christmas on your own!
Hope you feel better soon but really give yourself time and don’t be hard on yourself xx
Thank you so much for all your kind words and stories and understanding . I really hate feeling like this. 😢. Some days I just feel like I can’t cope at all. My partner is amazing which helps but I just feel so much like I’m letting him down. I’m sick to death of feeling like shit but I don’t know how to stop xxxxx
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