Support group for potential grandparents?

[PollJ]

This is my first post here. Does anyone know of a support group for the parents (probably specifically mothers) of those struggling to conceive? My daughter and her wife have been trying for about three years. My daughter-in-law has endometriosis and so it's not possible to retrieve eggs from her - it's been tried. My daughter has thyroid problems and at nearly 36 doesn't have a massive number of eggs, but the last time there were two very high quality blastocysts, one of which was transferred, but after a very strong pregnancy test and a good HCG result she miscarried two days later. My daughter has also been pregnant but had a missed miscarriage when she went for her 12 week scan. There's one in the freezer, but my daughter is convinced that her eggs are just useless, even though no-one has said that. It's so hard to watch them go from huge hope to devastation and I'd really love to be able to talk to others going though similar things with their adult kids.

[Cinderella5]

Hey welcome to the forum!! There was a mum that used to come on here to help support her daughter but unfortunately I'm not aware of an actual site for grandparents. I think it's amazing that you have come on here and hopefully we can even help you to get an insight into things that maybe your daughter doesnt speak about etc. Sorry for the loss of your grandchild.😔xx

[Hidden]

Im sorry Poll to read your daughters struggles. Im sure many of us share those feelings and do lose hope some days.

Im not aware of any support groups but just wanted to say that as a daughter i too see the pain in my mothers eyes when i tell her about the stuff i go through but i am also so happy that i can share my feelings with her. Just wanted to say thank you for being there for your daughter(in law). Xx

[Lynnr54]

I don’t think there are any specific support groups for potential grandparents. There have been 2 or 3 on here over the years that I remember and you are more than welcome.

It must be hard watching your daughter and daughter-in-law suffer knowing there’s not much you can do to help them.

I guess there are a couple of options they could try. I don’t know exactly what’s been tried with your daughter-in-law before they tried to retrieve her eggs. There are a number of ladies on here had better success conceiving once they had surgery to remove their endo. I guess it depends where and how aggressive it is as to whether it would work for her, but it’s something to look into if she hasn’t already.

For your daughter it’s a bit more tricky. Once you’ve had 3 miscarriages then you are eligible to be referred for additional tests to see if you can find out the reason for them. I know it’s a horrible thing thinking that you have to lose another baby to get some answers but unfortunately it’s the way the system works. If the worst does happen again then your daughter should be trying to go through both her clinic for tests but it’s also worth contacting Tommy’s (I think she may need a referral from her GP). There are a number of different things that could be causing it and if it is one of the more common things then there is treatment out there. Her thyroid could be playing a part in it but it could also be a combination of thyroid and something else. Depending on where she lives and what their finances are like, there are a couple of well renowned consultants out there who have been known to have a good success rate at getting to the bottom of fertility problems and getting ladies pregnant through a combination of things.

I guess a final consideration - who is the sperm donor? Is it a friend or have they got it through a programme? If your daughter has used the same donor each time she has had a miscarriage and it’s from a friend then it could be an issue with the sperm.

Good luck with everything.

[PollJ in reply to Lynnr54]

Thank you Lynnr54 and to everyone who has replied. Just to clarify, my daughter has had one miscarriage and her wife has had one. To me that feels that one miscarriage each would not be that uncommon but my daughter is convinced that there's something wrong with her eggs, though there doesn't seem to be any real evidence of this, and it could just be down to horrible luck. They've certainly been through it though, so it helps to see stories of people who have really struggled but got there i the end. It's euphoric highs and crashing lows and interminable waits, but you all know about that. The other thing is that they are in a support group where the others in London are getting their treatment for free. Because of their postcode they don't fund treatment for anyone needing a sperm donor, which is thinly disguised discrimination. Been writing to my MP today! Kind wishes and good luck to you all and maybe ask if your mums want to chat!

[a1234567]

Not sure if there is a group, but I wanted to say congratulations, it is very thoughtful of you.

[DianeArnold Partner Nurse Fertility Network UK]

Hi PollJ. I have just had a word with our Volunteer Co-ordinator about the possibility of having a support group for potential grand parents on Facebook. Keep an eye on our Support Group pages for further details. Fingers crossed we can get one started. Diane

fertilitynetworkuk.org/how-...

[PollJ in reply to DianeArnold]

Thank you - I'll keep an eye out.

[Bluelagoon31]

Hi PollJ.I have also joined the group as the Mum of a daughter trying to conceive.I feel so hopeless as I can’t make things right for her.As a Mum it’s your life’s work to help in any way possible ,but this is so out of our hands.I really feel it helps to read the posts and try to understand what parents face in the IVF process.

[PollJ in reply to Bluelagoon31]

Hi Blue Lagoon 31. I haven't been on here much lately as finally, finally, finally the girls are pregnant and over 14 weeks now. This after three miscarriages between them, and then a big bleed this time due to a sub chorionic haematoma. I honestly have lost count of the number of times they've tried to conceive via IVF and various other means but it's into double figures and well over five years. And tens of thousands of pounds. One thing they did do was change clinics and the difference has been like night and day in terms of care and treatment - they have been so well looked after.. You're right - as a mother all you want to do is make things work for them, you're hard wired to do that, and it's so, so stressful to see them so sad. You really feel every single loss and disappointment. And they are still very anxious. I really feel that people who get pregnant easily and have straightforward pregnancies have no idea what others go through. And with IVF/ICSI you know about every single stage - rollercoaster doesn't begin to describe it.. And that's not even starting on the postcode lottery. I wish everyone on here so much love and luck and thoughts for a successful outcome, and if any grandparents would like to talk things through I would be very happy to do that. Poll x

[Bluelagoon31 in reply to PollJ]

Hi PollJ,such good news about your girls.I wish them all the luck in the world.It will be a stressful and worrying time but totally worth it.xxxMy daughter found out yesterday that her 1 st attempt 😣

[PollJ in reply to Bluelagoon31]

Hello Blue Lagoon 31, Thank you - we're very hopeful. I'm sorry to hear about your daughter. It doesn't seem at all unusual for the first attempt not to work, though some are lucky. I remember my daughter being so hopeful, but ringing me up crying as the first attempt hadn't worked, and she's not a cryer (although she is more now). Is your daughter satisfied with her clinic, because as I said, the treatment and care was so much better when they decided to change, albeit after several attempts. Poll

[Bluelagoon31 in reply to PollJ]

Hi pollJ,Thankyou.Yes my daughter feels she is getting good treatment.They decided to go private as the NHS waiting list is so long ,and as she has left it rather late to start her family time is against her.x