I’m losing hope

[TTCWithCHSweetheart]

Hi guys.

I was on here at the start of the year when our second cycle was up and down (BFN turned BFP) and then an ectopic and lost tube.

We just finished our 3rd cycle and tested on OTD (11dp5dt) yesterday (which seemed early to me but what do I know) and got a BFN. We’re hear broken and I’m so desperately worried it won’t ever happen for me.

I transferred 2 early blastocysts and we don’t seem to be getting to the blastocyst stage (3 egg collections totally 37 eggs and only ever 1 blastocyst).

This is one hell of a journey isn’t it.

Xxx

[Maisie234]

I'm sorry you feel so down today. All I can say is that it does get better. I've had some of the darkest days of my life doing this but then I always come out the other side. There are so many positive outcomes on here that keeps me going. Will you take a break and try again? Do something nice today for you both, however small, don't let it get to you because you will get there, this is just a blip! Xx

[TTCWithCHSweetheart in reply to Maisie234]

Thank you Maisie. I honestly am starting to think it won’t happen ever. We can’t keep throwing money and emotions at it when we don’t seem to be getting anywhere. We don’t want to take a break as lockdown was long enough. This is cycle 3 and we have planned 5 in total so I just want to keep trying.

Thank you for your kind words xxxx

[Hidden]

Hey lovely, I am so sorry you are feeling so down, and its quite understandable.

I have had four rounds so far, total of 33 eggs collected, only ever got 3 to day 5 and did get a BFP that round but ended in MMC, nothing ever to freeze. I have had 2 day 2 transfers and a day 3 transfer as well.

The only thing keeping me going is the fact that I just keep being told 'its a numbers game'. and whilst our numbers may be a lot lower than a lot of people on here, we have to be in it to win it. I think this site makes life even more disheartening as so many people get a load to freeze, or a BFP on first cycle etc., but for all of those people there are I am sure equal amounts who are more like us but its just not the sort of news you would shout about if you see what I mean?

I am so sorry about your ectopic. Heartbreaking. it probably doesnt help but I keep telling myself the fact I have managed to get pregnant previously shows some hope, and its just terribly bad luck that it hasn't worked out for either of us yet. I also keep telling myself there are loads of day 3 transfer BFPs and in the 'olden days' of IVF there was no such thing as a blastocyst and day 3 was all you went to and it still worked for loads of people.

Its so raw for you now after the failed cycle, and I think its often even more heartbreaking when you have managed to get pregnant before and can't work out why you didnt this time. Take some time, give yourself some TLC and grieve for all your hopes that have been shattered by this round.. but remember you will feel better again, and if it feels right you might well try again, TBH after my 4th cycle fail I didnt even cry, all I could think about was when could I start again as thats the only thing keeping me going (ruddy covid screwed that royally).

Sending you a huge hug - it is indeed a tough journey and you have been through so much so far its no wonder you feel like you do xx

[TTCWithCHSweetheart]

You are so right about hearing so much success stories on here. I’m super happy for people but so so gutted for myself and my husband. It seems to be happening for so many people around us so easily and we are the young healthy ones.

I had the same thing with covid and lockdown. We had our ectopic operated on the week of lockdown and I knew we had to rest and give my body a break but the wait was far longer than we ever wanted it needed and it feels like we’re a few months behind at least.

I also agree with the hope of having been pregnant. Although after 15 years together I’ve only ever managed it once with IVF and it was ectopic so does it even count?!

I’m so sad for us right now and it’s making every hour hard work. I want to say to myself that I will be ok but depression is really setting in.

I hope we both get some luck in the coming months. We deserve it, as do so many others in our position xx

[Hidden in reply to TTCWithCHSweetheart]

It is a strange balance, I sort of feel thrilled for people but also hideously jealous and feel like the world feels very unfair sometimes when I see glorious egg hauls/high fertilisation rates/30 in the freezer/bfp on round 1.. but I guess thats human nature to feel like that.

I say all the time to my OH I just wish I had a crystal ball. If I knew this wasn't going to work then I would just have to try and deal with it, but I live with this persistent hope it will all be ok, but sometimes thats severely overshadowed by pessimism.

Have you tried counselling? I did at my clinic and it was awful and I hated it but I found someone online who I dip in and out of (and can do it by email which suits me as find it a lot easier to write stuff down sometimes) and they have been really super. if nothing else I only had 3 sessions but they made me realise what I was feeling was normal and more importantly acceptable and ok to feel like that

Feel free to PM me if you want a rant xx