So 8 months on this is life after you finally stop IVF

[Jonesjp]

So our 3rd fresh round failed 8 months ago and I took a little time out to think about if we could face another round, wanted to pay for another round or basically just wanted to carry on and after much soul searching decided that although it was the hardest decision I have ever made, enough was enough, after 6 years of TTC and coming up 40, so I said my goodbyes to everyone on here.

Now as your reading this you may think, hey she’s changed her mind and she’s back, but no, it was still the right but most difficult decision. But I thought I would pop in here and just bring up what life has actually really been like after deciding to stop, as something I have found is that there’s is sooooo much support for you when your going through IVF, there is very little support (not none, but very little) when you have just made one of the biggest decisions of your life! Sadly not everyone on here will get there happy ending and I don’t want to bring a pity party to the forum, but it’s a reality for some of us and there will be some on here at this stage now and it’s just not spoken about and then we just scuttle away and that’s not right!

I would say my first overwhelming feeling in deciding to stop was relief! Now you would think it would be utter sadness and despair, but no it was relief, relief about no more IVF, no more clinic visits, no more feeling like a bag of nails, no more waiting and waiting and waiting, the waiting had finally stopped!

Now what happened next kind of took me by surprise, I didn’t seem to feel anything at all, not sad, not angry, not happy the relief had disappeared, I literally felt nothing!! Now I could have thought, get in this is good, no emotional fall out, but I knew that couldn’t be the case, it wasn’t like I was burying my head I’d try and make myself think about it, but nothing!! Then one day I spoke to my friend who was in exactly the same situation as me and it hit me like a bus, it’s not fair! That’s how I felt and it’s still how I feel, no anger, not upset, just that it’s not fair and it will never be fair. But I’m glad I have her to speak to, because when you stop you find no one talks about it or mentions it, it’s as if the last 6years never happened. Once you’ve told your friends and family that you’ve stopped it’s as if that’s it, done and dusted!! But it’s been such a major part of our life, don’t get me wrong it’s not like you want to talk about it all the time and it could be that people don’t want to mention it in case they upset you, but it’s literally like it never happened!

So after all this rambling I will get to my point, life after IVF, well actually it’s exactly like life before IVF!! This took me by surprise too!!

Don’t get me wrong there’s no more waiting, no more clinics and no more shitty drugs so that’s a plus, but fundamentally life is no different! I didn’t have kids before IVF and I don’t have kids now and so life is very much the same and that’s ok. When you think about stopping, you build it up into this big life changing event, like this big thing is about to happen, but in reality you are already living that life and I was/am happy with my life, I have a great husband a nice house, 2 beautiful fur babies a good job and life is good. Don’t get me wrong, without kids and IVF we’ll have a bit more cash, so nicer/more holidays, days out etc. But this big life changing event that I anticipated just didn’t happen!

Now I know baby showers are always going to be tough, pregnancy announcements will always feel like a kick in the guts, because it isn’t fair, but life is good and there for the taking and after everything everyone has been through this last few months you realise just how precious and amazing it is to be able to live your life with or without kids!!

Much love to you all

Jen x x

[Cinderella5]

Awww thanks for posting this Jen! Ive been trying to get my head around what our lives would be like if we have to give up and whilst I presumed "we would be ok in time", its really nice to hear your perspective that yes in fact there is life after IVF and that you didnt have to climb out of a hole to find it. I know we arent in quite the same position as you as we were lucky enough to be given a generous break by our clinic. However I was just getting used to the fact that we would be walking away and the prospect of more treatment is definitely not something Im looking forward to (dont want to sound ungrateful of course). There is a very strong possibility that we wont get our take home baby with all of our previous failures so far and you have given me some comfort and reassurance that it WILL be ok! Its lovely to hear from you and that you are living your best life!! Lots of love right back at you!xxx

[Jonesjp in reply to Cinderella5]

Aw hunny, you could never sound ungrateful, I completely understand what you mean about more treatment, although as rounds go on we almost get to the stage where we expect the bfn, but I just couldn’t face another one. I know this next lot of treatment is going to be hard going for you, but if anyone can do it it’s you. You’ve always been an inspiration hunny, even if your having the shittiest of days your still always there for everyone on here. I truly hope you get your happy ever after you really do deserve it 😘😘😘 x x x

[Cinderella5 in reply to Jonesjp]

Thank you! Im still not sure about the inspiration....more like a bad advert for IVF! The newbies must get the fear reading about all my failures!! Lol Yes that's exactly it....facing more BFN's makes me feel a bit sick so definitely wont be doing tis much longer.....for as much as we almost expect them it is still pretty shit! We have a little fur baby coming soon (just been born) so hopefully even if this doesnt work out the way we'd hoped we have a new chapter in our life beginning!! Take care, all the best in your new adventures together!xxx

[Hidden]

You are an inspiration Hun. I was one of the very lucky ones but often wondered how I'd cope if our IVF didn't work & I never got to be a Mum. I'd love to have seen a positive post like this during the hard times. I wish you all the happiness in the world for your future. You are definitely going to help so many people by sharing this. xx

[Jonesjp in reply to Hidden]

Aw thanks hunny, I hope you are doing well, lockdown and a little person must of been hard going! 😘 x x

[Vivi85]

Thank you soo much for posting this. I often wonder how I will cope if the treatment doesn't work. I am sure if we don't have a kid we will enjoy a good life. I tell myself I might even retire early!!! Also have fur babies, they've made our house a home. Love em. Got to keep the wheel of life in balance (Anya Sizer tip) which is soo important for the journey and the next phase whatever that will be.

[Jonesjp in reply to Vivi85]

Thanks hunny, I wouldn’t want to be without my fur babies, they have been by my side all the way through this journey and I truly believe it would have been so much harder without them, I must have walked there little legs off at times when I’ve just needed to go out and clear my head and get some fresh air!! Good luck with your journey hunny, wishing you lots of luck 🍀 🍀😘 x x

[Hidden]

Thank you for this. I am glad that you are doing okay.

I haven’t even started IVF, we are considering going private, but I am scared of it consuming my life and potentially ruining my marriage (though I have already decided my second husband will be rich enough to buy me a library so I will get over it).

It’s makes me feel a bit safer to know that life goes on, with or without a child and actually you have made me feel a bit more grateful for what I have got. My husband, a job I love, a dog who loves me, a cat who tolerates me, family.

Thank you, I wish you all the happiness in the world.

[Jonesjp in reply to Hidden]

Hi hunny, I hope your feeling a little better today 😊 your comment about your cat really made me chuckle 🤣! Wish you lots of luck whether you go private or hang on in there for the nhs, however one thing I would say is if you do wait for the nhs, although you don’t think it will the time flies by! I had to wait 12 months on the Welsh waiting list and when I look back I can’t believe how quickly that time went 😘 x x x

[Celloheggy]

Thanks for writing this Jen! I’m so pleased you’ve got your life back and are enjoying it! Our situation is different to yours in that our 1st cycle was successful (exceptionally lucky) but our attempts for baby no2 aren’t going as well. We’ve decided that our cycle next month will be our final attempt. I’m excited we get to try again but terrified it won’t be successful. And I haven’t got a clue how I’ll cope if it doesn’t, but reading your story gives me hope. We’ve spent 6 years trying to make babies, and it’s time to draw a line under it and move on, and empty our loft of all the baby things I’ve saved!!

Thanks for sharing, enjoy life xxx

[Jonesjp in reply to Celloheggy]

Aw hunny that must feel so frustrating knowing that it worked so quickly first time around! I think we always hope we only have to go through one cycle as those BFN’s just get harder to take each time. Good luck next month, I’ll have everything crossed for you, but if it doesn’t pan out life on the other side isn’t too shabby, 6 years is a long time so no one can ever say you didn’t do every you could 😘😘😘 x x

[LisaHarada]

Thanks for sharing this Jen. I am currently taking a break after 2 failed IVFs and dreading starting a 3rd as I know how emotional the journey was - as you have described, the injections, the nail biting wait, the hormone fueled emotions... It is good to know if I decide to quit, there is still a life out there and it might be good and peaceful. You are an inspiration, Jen..

[Jonesjp in reply to LisaHarada]

I always used to have a fairly good break in between each round, personally I think it’s better for your mental Heath and gives you time to process it! The 3rd round for me was the toughest, not physically, it was the best I’d felt going through a cycle, still felt crappy, but not as crappy as normal!! But mentally the 3rd was the toughest, the first cycle your full of so much anticipation, the second round you think they will have cracked it and learnt off your first round, the third is just shit all ways around! My husband said he’d carry on as long as I wanted too, but with a low AMH and coming up 40 I just thought I’ve spent most of my 30’s trying to have a baby and it just didn’t want to start another decade on the same treadmill!! There are lots of ladies that have success on there 3rd so I wish you lots of baby dust and in the meantime you can eat lots of cake a drink lots of wine 😊😘 x x

[Justus1]

Thank you for the. After 5 years of IVf we have decided to stop if our 4 embryos don’t attached. And based on our history this is a very strong possibility. This has given me so much hopexxx

[Jonesjp in reply to Justus1]

Wishing you lots of luck hunny, as they say it only takes one, but after 5 years I can understand why these embies would be your last. You hear so many people say don’t give up, but that’s generally from people who have never had to try! Stopping or giving up as they would say, is one if the bravest things you can do! Good luck hunny and sending you lots of baby dust for your little embies 😘😘 x x

[Justus1 in reply to Jonesjp]

Ya after 5 IVF cycles. 4 IUi and clomid and 2 miscarriages, there only so much you can take. Wishing you all the luck in the future with you new life xx

[Jonesjp in reply to Justus1]

Wow hunny you really have been through the ringer!! I really hope it works out for you both 😘😘😘 x x x

[Justus1]

Best to you too x

[Hidden]

I was lucky my IVF worked first time. You sound like to had a really good life before going on this journey. I did not, I was absolutely stuck in a rut. My life was not moving forward at all. All I have is a dead end job and past domestic violent relationships. I don't have a nice husbund, just did it all on my own now after having my son I feel like I have finally achieved something good in my life. I don't want to return to my old life but I know what you mean if life was good before IVF....

[Picalilli99]

Thanks so much for coming back and sharing your experience. It is so nice to hear. After 6 years TTC, 5 fresh cycles and multiple miscarriages we can’t help feeling that despite all of our efforts and endless hope the odds are somewhat stacked against us. We think we will have a try with DE when we have saved enough money to do so. But we are edging closer to the realisation that we just cannot keep doing this forever. We cannot afford to - never mind all the other ways it impacts our lives. I really agree with what you said in a comment about it actually being a really brave decision to stop and step away. I agree with this and massively admire you for your strength to do so. Especially when so many people (generally with good intentions I believe) insist on saying “don’t give up, it will happen” - when unfortunately for some the reality is this will just not be the case. I’m so pleased that stopping brought you a sense of relief and that you have been able to return to what life was like before all the IVF stress and that you are able to appreciate all those great things in your life. Wishing you all the happiness moving forward lovely xxx

[F_J_762301]

Hi Jen, Thank you for sharing this. Kind of at a half way point with fertility treatment (4 embryos down with no success including 1 mc , 3 left in freezer). Decided quite a while ago that if these dont work i wont have more ivf. Its so life consuming, emotionally draining,i just couldnt start again with another fresh cycle...i want to enjoy my life while ive got some life left in me! I feel like ive made peace with this decision but scared if it comes to it i will probably be actually very devastated.

My mum has said things sometimes like (well meaning) 'oh well it could still happen naturally after ivf' but by the time i have used up my embryos we will have been TTC for over 7 years...how much more can one person/couple take?

Best wishes with whatever is next in life for you xxx

P.s. i also have a little furbaby who is my entire life!! Xx

[L400ynd]

Thank you Jen! You have no idea how much I needed to read this tonight. We have just decided to stop as well. 5 years and 3 failed cycles. Much like you we just couldn’t do it anymore. Enough was enough. Tonight the floodgates opened and I’ve cried all night. My sister in law is due her baby in a few weeks and the thought of it (altho I’m happy for her) is just making me so sad. Wondering why can’t it be us too?! You are right. It’s so very unfair. Thank you for reminding me that a life without kids can still be awesome when you have an amazing hubby and family. 😘😘. Xxxx